Lez Lemon

You know when people say they kid because they care? That’s my Tina Fey. While she sadly hasn’t yet qualified for her Honorary Hot Plate (or the real deal Toast Oven either, but I keep hoping), my Fake TV Wife did pick up a GLAAD Media Award for “30 Rock” over the weekend. The show won the Outstanding Individual Episode (in a series without a regular LGBT character) for the episode “Klaus & Greta.” p.s. Man, that’s a long award title to have engraved on a plaque. The honor was a lovely one for a show that has been accepting and open to the LGBT community on screen and off screen.

For those familiar with the show (which should be all of you – casting an evil eye at anyone watching “The Mentalist” or “Private Practice.” That’s why Tivo was invented, people), it’s had a long and stories history of making lesbian jokes. In the third episode of the very first season, Liz Lemon’s boss Jack Donaghy mistakes her for a lesbian and sets her up on a date with ADA Alex Cabot, I mean, Stephanie March. It was handled with humor and sensitivity, and made for many, many happy nights dreaming about Tina and Stephanie making flower beds out of old railroad ties and, um, other stuff. I have that episode downloaded on my iPhone. I rewatch it almost every single time I fly.

Since then the show has continued to make jokes about Liz Lemon’s lesbian tendencies. Not that she’s an actual lesbian, which she isn’t, but that she kind of looks and/or acts like one. And I’m sure all the joking could raise an eyebrow or two about poking fun at the dowdy lesbian stereotype. But, again, you have to consider the source. This isn’t Rush Limbaugh talking about “lesbian spearchuckers.” This is Tina Fey who thanked her staff’s gay/lesbian partners in her Emmy acceptance speech and supported gay marriage in her Mark Twain Prize acceptance speech and says on her show “just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don’t love America.”

Also, in case you hadn’t noticed, “30 Rock” takes pot shots at everyone. EVERYONE. Republicans, Democrats, Hipsters, Spinsters, Actors, Writers, African Americans, Hillbillies, Feminists, Chauvinists, Slobs, Overachievers, Gays, Lesbians, Transvestites, Straights, Canadians, NBC, Comcast, Doctors, Beeper Salesmen, Handsome People, Ugly People, Cat People and the fact that everyone you’ve ever met who is named Tina is a “real bitch.” Seriously, everyone.

As she said in her GLAAD acceptance speech:

“I want to thank everyone at GLAAD for having such a keen self of humor because jokes are tricky things. And so much of what makes the difference between a joke being offensive and being funny is the context it is in and the intention behind it. I so I want to on behalf of everyone at ‘30 Rock’ thank everyone at GLAAD for recognizing that from Liz Lemon’s bi-curious shoes to Jenna Maroney’s heterosexual transvestite boyfriend to Will Arnett’s ongoing semi-erotic business rivalry with Alec Baldwin, thank you for recognizing that the show has nothing but respect and admiration for the lesbian, gay and transgendered community. And I hope you will stick with us through next week’s episode where Jack Donaghy buys a struggling cable network called Twinks.”

Check out AfterEllen later today for a full run-down of Tina’s GLAAD Media Awards appearance. You get to learn who is on her Fake TV Wife lists. (Hint: I’m spinning with Wonder and approval.)

And with that, a celebration of Lez Lemon’s gayest moments. Remember, you can’t be gay for one person. Unless you’re a lady, and you meet Tina.

Bi-Curious Shoes

An Adorable Little Lesbian


Your Gay Mom


I Love America


Lesbian Mario Brothers


Lesbian Clown Shirts


A Lady Like to Keep Her Blazer On


Let’s Go Lez


Lesbian Yellow Sour Fruit
Kissing Salma Hayek

And with that you know Tina totally gets us. Because when presented with a once-in-a-lifetime shot at making out with Salma Hayek, she took it. High five, girl! Hey, even a Fake TV Wife gets a freebie list.

Naked Lady Monday: Bees Knees

The knee gets so little credit in the human anatomy. They’re knobby or knocked, and occasionally we’ve been known to go weak at them. But what they really are, when placed correctly with its constant companion the thigh, is a mighty protector of a lady’s virtue. Or, looking at it from another angle, an obstacle to overcome when seeking to passionately plunder said virtue. Still, whether clutched or crossed, the humble knee should be appreciated for its ability to spark our interest and stoke the imagination. And, of course, a swift knee to almost any other part of the anatomy has the ability to render another person immediately immobile. So, bottom line, knees – respect.

Cate BlanchettJust in case her knees weren’t modest enough, she’s got a full-body hose backup.

Angelina JolieBed head is almost always an instant knee weakener.

Kate HudsonWhen the humble knee is not enough, a book will help in a pinch. But, just make sure it’s a hardcover. A trade paperback won’t cover squat.

Marion CotillardIt probably would have just been easier to button her coat. Easier, but not more enjoyable.

Anna FrielGod, I miss “Pushing Daisies.”

Serena WilliamsI’ve seen how she fills out her tennis uniforms; there’s no way one knee would have sufficed.

Naomi WattsWorks backwards, too.

Lea MicheleWhen the “Glee” kids are doing it, you know it’s a trend.

Olivia WildeOver the weekend I caught a “House” rerun and then rewatched “When Night is Falling.” Let me tell you, that made for some very, very acrobatic dreams involving the lovely Ms. Wilde. Hello, wobbly knees.

My Weekend Crush

With the casting of Katniss Everdeen finally done, my mind naturally drifts to other great female heroines. The literary canon is filled with them, from Anne Shirley to Elizabeth Bennett and Jo March to Jayne Eyre. And then there’s the littlest one of all, Jean Louise “Scout” Finch. The tomboy in overalls, with her scraped knees and mussed hair. The 6-year-old “To Kill a Mockingbird” narrator is a lot of things – courageous, feisty, loyal. She is also filled with curiosity and compassion, two of the best traits a human being can have. And of course intelligent, which is never a bad quality. But without compassion, it can be a cruel gift. Through Scout’s eyes, we find our own compassion. We’re there, standing on the porch, walking in Boo’s shoes. Before the Civil Rights Act, before the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, before laws hit the books against discrimination based on race, sex, religion, age, disability, sexual orientation and you name it, Scout knew there was just one kind of folks. Folks. Sometimes, we need reminding that to be a girl in this world is quite a thing. Sometimes, the littlest show us the most. Happy weekend, all.

All of these lines across my face

Usually when actresses also sing, I cringe. Do they really have enough talent to stretch across the multi-hyphenate actress-singer? And usually the answer is a resounding no. Some are just exceptionally mediocre at both (cough, J-Lo, cough). Others try admirably with mixed results. (Oh, Gwyneth, I loved “Landslide,” but you’re no Loretta Lynn.) But then there are those who deserve the hyphen and then some. In fact, they’ve got too much talent for a simple hyphen to contain. They’re your Judy Garlands. Your Barbra Streisands. Your Kristin Chenoweths. And then, there is our Sara Ramirez. Heavens, that girl can sing. Like, really, really, really sing. Of course, you knew this already since she got her start on Broadway. She went to Juilliard School. And there’s always that Tony on her mantel in case you still don’t believe.

So it’s only for the sheer power of Sara’s voice that I plan to watch the very special “Grey’s Anatomy” musical episode March 31. I’m not a Grey’s watcher (though no disrespect to those who do – sexy people in scrubs are all good). But I do enjoy the Callie and Arizona coupling and I’ve kept an eye on what’s happening with their impending bundle of joy. The previews for the musical episode look crazy emotional and then there’s Callie ominously singing through the hallways.

Wild guess, but I think something bad happens.

To promote the musical episode, and as a generous gift to the universe, Sara sang a song from the episode at The Grove earlier this week. It was live, unedited, unAuto-Tuned. And it was perfect – flaws and all. She apparently did two takes. I rather prefer the first, especially when her voice breaks.

Though, as a public service, here is the second take shot up close. You know, just in case you want to count Sara’s pores. Those are some gorgeous pores.

I love Brandi Carlile’s music anyway. But to hear the unbridled sexy that is Sara put so much emotion into what is ostensibly a big lesbian anthem is pretty otherworldly.

OK, “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’m in. Bring on the melodrama. Just let Sara sing.

p.s. How do I get this job? I’d apply more than a little gloss to those lips.

[Photo via weltintoweeds Flickr]

You're a loser, baby

The thing about being a geek is you don’t know how to be popular. You’re a geek, how could you? So if all of a sudden you do become popular, things are bound to go awry. And no, I did not learn this from every teen movie in the 80s where a nerdy boy bought the affection of a popular girl only to have disastrous results follow. OK, that’s a lie, I got all of that from “Can’t Buy Me Love.” But I do have my own certified geek credentials. In high school, and this is a true story, I was floored when it was announced over the PA system that I’d been voted onto Winter Court. What? Me? I’m the shy, nerdy kid who never cuts class and always takes copious notes. But then I learned it was the one formal court voted on my teachers instead of students. So, there you go. Geek.

All this is a long and windy way of saying that “Glee” is that geek. “Glee” is the misfit who became popular overnight and then couldn’t handle her shit. It started as the outsider, the scrappy underdog with a heart full of dreams and a face full of Slushee. But then something happened. It became a hit. It was the star athlete and homecoming queen and beloved valedictorian all rolled up into one. Sitting at the cool kids table all of a sudden does things to you. Your head swells. Your personality changes. So then came big egos and bigger production numbers. More instead of better. You got standalone episodes about Brittany Spears and Lady Gaga and Madonna. And that’s all fine and good for some fun. Heck, I sung along. But they didn’t actually move the story along, unless learning that all the Glee Club members have similar fever dreams about Britney when under sedation.

But these last two episodes. Wow. They’ve actually moved the story forward and developed the characters and allowed coherent narratives to develop. Wait, am I watching the right show? Quinn telling Rachel that Finn is not her future? That made sense. Blaine realizing how special Kurt was? That made sense. Santana being hurt and confused by Brittany’s refusal? That made sense. The Glee kids finding inspiration in Sue’s bullying to write their own song. Even that made sense. This is what “Glee” should be and is about. The misfits who find strength in each other. The cruelty that can come when you are different. The never-ending struggle to feel special. This is what made me fall in love with “Glee.” OK, that and the dancing.

And, dammit, how catchy is “Loser Like Me?” So damn catchy. And it’s everything the show stands for. Getting pushed down, but getting back up. Fine, it was also tinged with a healthy dose of the Revenge of the Nerds. See you when you wash my car? Ouch. Also, I can’t in good grammatical conscience approve of the "I can only be who I are” line. But, that aside, all of the original songs from “Hell to the No” (snort!) and “Trouty Mouth” (snort squared!) were great fun. Sure, those lyrics were silly – but intentionally so. Perhaps this is what “Glee” needed all along. To tap into its own emotions instead of lip syncing someone else’s experience. In finding its voice, Glee also finally found its footing.

p.s. Speaking of Brittana (stop trying to make Santittany happen, Fox), pop over to AfterEllen later today for some juicy spoilers. If Brittany just looking at Santana makes her forget her locker combination, you know there’s more to come. That look, kittens. That look.

Pitch imperfect

Auto-Tune is the Photoshop of music. Just as the perennial picture perfector is ruining our perceptions of beauty, reality and basic human anatomy, Auto-Tune is dismantling our expectations of music. It’s turning the human voice an unrecognizable mishmash of synthesized wails and moans. The voice isn’t a uniform instrument with perfect pitch. It doesn’t modulate mid note. In fact, it’s those very breaks and imperfections that Auto-Tune covers up that can make music so memorable. Instead, Auto-Tune makes it inherently forgettable. We shouldn’t treat voices like disposable instruments, easily interchanged with each other. Imagine Auto-Tuning Billie Holiday? The exquisite grate and slur of her voice makes it sublime. She makes us feel those rough edges, and they take us someplace that a computerized high C never could.

And the thing that’s most infuriating is that many singers don’t even need it. Just as fashion industry overcorrect the already impossibly beautiful (See: Kate Winslet), the music industry is overcorrecting the already impossibly good singers. Yesterday Jezebel pointed out that up-and-coming pop starlet (and out bisexual lady) Jessie J can actually sing. And she can. I saw her on “Saturday Night Live” and thought she was OK. But seeing her in this subway video is even more impressive (partly because the song choice is better).

Now compare that to her Auto-Tuned hit “Do It Like a Dude.”

Um, what? Are those the same singers? Why strip away that voice and turn it into a collection of electronic pops and whistles? Digitally enhanced is an oxymoron in this case, and many others.

Even some of the most egregious of the current crop of Auto-Tunites simply don’t need the digital enhancement. Like, and stay with me here, Ke$ha. Yes, Ke$ha. She of the Jack Daniels toothpaste. She of the perpetually smeared eyeliner. She of the “Get Sleazy Tour.” (Get Sleazy? Nice. Aspirational.) I have a strange soft spot for Ke$ha, which I have previously admitted much to my continual shame. It’s not her persona, which is intentionally awful. It’s that I think her songs are ridiculously catchy and almost whimsical. It’s like gummy ear worm candy. And whenever I feel particularly ashamed of singing along in my car, I unearth this video of a pre-fame, pre-sleazy Ke$ha.

Dammit, Ke-Dollar Sign- Ha can really sing. Like really, really sing.

Singing is a talent, not a digital experiment. Auto-Tune has made one of our most divine abilities into a boring exercise in perfection. Billie is what the human voice sounds like. This is heartbreak and triumph and our shared humanity. This is music. This is how we know we’re still better than the machines.

Crop me Kate

Usually, there’s not too much one can say about a new haircut. Either it’s good or it’s bad. Either it’s “That looks terrific” or it’s “Don’t worry, darling, it’ll grow out.” But sometimes, just sometimes, a haircut can render you speechless. As in, your hair. It’s…wow. Now, there was absolutely nothing wrong with Kate Winslet’s hair before. It was all blond and lovely and long and luscious (when it wasn’t red and lovely and long and luscious – remember when it was ever so briefly a ginger?) But now, it’s all, wow. Ms. Winslet debuted her new crop in the new UK Vogue. Booking a ticket to London, flying 13 hours, finding a magazine standing, buying UK Vogue and then flying back 13 hours just so I could have my own copy would be too much, right?

Now, we could quibble about the color. I’m not really a white platinum kind of gal. But the lovely architectural shape of it and the fact that it’s ever so slightly butch (you know, compared to her old cut) makes me happy for the invention of scissors. Granted, I’m not a fan of Vogue’s continual over Photoshopping of already ridiculously beautiful women (come on, can we give these women skin tones and textures actually found in nature, please?) Also, is it just me or did the Photoshopper make her look too much like Gwen Stefani here? I’m just a girl, who looks like another girl, in the world?

Still, today I just want to talk about the hair. Now, it looks like Kate pulled back from the platinum already. She was at an event earlier this month with her regular blond back. Which, after going nearly white, seems difficult. Which now makes me confused. Was the hair coloring all Photoshop, too?

She also doesn’t seem to be styling it with quite the same, shall we say, flourish. But just knowing that she could, well, that makes all the difference. Like I was saying, wow.