Naked Lady Monday

Hey, only 20 shopping days left until Christmas. But don’t let the crass consumerism of what should be a season of reflection and thanks get you down. Because there are still joys to be had that cost nothing. Well, next to nothing. OK, in real life this sort of thing would take at least dinner first. Possibly several dinners. Some sparkling conversation. Plenty of wine. And, you know, a fantastic personality. I mean Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t strip down to her birthday suit and cover herself in what appears to be tar for just any old lug. But, for you today, it’s totally free. Nothing says happy holidays like a bunch of naked ladies, amirite? Holly jolly, indeed.

Monica BellucciI’m not sure how she tears herself away from the mirror each morning. I mean, the view – Jesus, the view.

Carla GuginoThat “Spy Kids” is what most of Americans know her from is a tragedy of epic proportions.

Lady GagaI still haven’t figured out if this picture turns me on or frightens me. Either way, I’m going to keep looking until I figure it out.

Sara RamirezSometimes I can’t decide if I’m more jealous of Jessica Capshaw* because she gets to kiss Sara Ramirez…

Jessica Capshaw…or Sara Ramirez for getting to kiss Jessica Capshaw

Angie HarmonI am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her… Wait, what were we talking about?

p.s. Don’t forget to catch the Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps Wednesdays on AfterEllen.

*Total brain fart on the Jennifer/Jessica thing. So many ladies, so many names, one little brain to remember them all. Apologies.

SGALGG: Sucker Punch Edition

As counterintuitive as this may sound, there are considerably better ways to spend a Saturday night than with five hot girls in tiny shirts kicking ass. So, yeah, “Sucker Punch” is not a good movie. It’s a bad movie. And not good bad, but bad bad. It’s like they gave a 14-year-old videogame addict $82 million dollars and told him to go make the movie of his dreams. Except they told him he wasn’t allowed to show nudity or sex. So he made up for it with more samurais and more robots and more dragons and more zombie German soldiers. Oh, and a lot of threats of rape. Sigh. Also thanks to all the slo-mo CGI green screenery, I never noticed how short Emily is. She’s a good head shorter than all her co-stars. She’s practically elfin. Has anyone checked her ears?

Of course, none of this complaining about the film is meant in any way to disparage the movie’s lovely leading ladies. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung and Carla Gugino are very lovely. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed the film more on mute, just to gaze at their loveliness and forget the huge fucking mess around them. Still, I am grateful to the movie for bringing these delightful women together, and giving them the opportunity to do their best Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals renditions at the film’s premiere last week. In short, save the 10 bucks and just enjoy the eye candy here. You can always make your own popcorn at home.

Carla & EmilySqueeze a little tighter, darling. It’s working.

Emily & VanessaSo that’s why she broke up with Zac.

Abbie & EmilySignature short-girl second base move. Trust me, I’m short.

Emma Roberts, Emily & some girl who went for itHey, you’ve got to take your shots when you see them.

Vanessa & JenaNo, wait, clearly this is why she broke up with Zac.

Jamie & AbbieWhatever Abbie is doing, Jamie likes it.

Abbie & CarlaSomewhere Ryan Phillippe is seething.

Malin Akerman & CarlaHer ex-costars keep coming back for more snuggle time.

CarlaAnd now we know why.

Read my full “Sucker Punch” review on AfterEllen.

Tank Top Tuesday

So the dog days are definitely here. July threw down a sweltering gauntlet and I’ve never known August as a month to back down from a challenge. I expect sun. I expect warmth. Basically, I expect to sweat. So, then, what’s a gal – like poor, sweaty, sticky, glistening Gillian Anderson – supposed to do to beat the heat? Well, for one, a tank top helps. But I’m sure I can do better in the helpful advice department. What can I say? I’m a giver.

Emily DeschanelSpending a day at the beach is always a cool option.

Ashley GreenePulling at one’s clothing will help unstick them from your body.

Helen MirrenSitting near an open window will help you catch a breeze.

Katee Sackhoff & Tricia HelferRiding a motorcycle will really help you catch a breeze.

Michelle Rodriguez & companionSharing a cold beverage with a friend will cool down your core.

BeyoncéWearing short-shorts will cool your lower body.

Sigourney WeaverWearing just your skivvies will cool your whole body.

Carla Gugino

Jumping into the pool will bring down your temperature instantly.

Ashleigh Sumner, Cathy DeBuono & Jill BennettWhen all else fails, just make things hotter.
[Via “And Then Came Lola.”]

So, there you have it. Some simple, fool-proof ways to keep cool this August. Or was that hot? Either way, always wear a tank top.