My Weekend Crush

I love “Finding Nemo.” I loved it from the first moment I saw it at a dollar theater after it had long ended its regular run because I was too cool to go see an animated movie no matter how much everyone raved about it. Now, I own the DVD. I downloaded it to my phone. I may even have cuddly stuffed Dory. That last one was a gift, I swear. What I love most about it, besides being smart and funny and as adorable as can be, is that it makes me feel better each time I watch it. We all have that movie, the one we put on as a guaranteed mood lifter. Sure, there’s the Bambi-esque opening with its bad things that happen to good fish eggs. But then there is everything else. And everything else makes me just plum happy. In fact, it’s kind of my happy place. And, in January, I’m always looking for things to make me happy – this January is no different. So after a long, tiring, stressful week, I plan to put on a little “Find Nemo” and talk whale with Dory. And then, then I should be ready to just keep swimming through the rest of the year. Happy weekend, all.

She's trying to teach me how to cook

I am not a good chef. I’m just not. I enjoy food, a lot. But my culinary expertise pretty much stops at “How do you like your eggs?” (Though, I am good at eggs. So, you know, feel free to stay for breakfast.) Still I do love watching other people cook, especially if those other people are hot ladies. So on this day of feasting in the United States, here is one of my favorite cooking scene pretty much ever. If learning to cook was always like this, I’d be well on my way to being a master chef. Happy Thanksgiving, all.

p.s. The only way that scene could have been better is if they kissed at the end, like they clearly wanted to. Idgie and Ruth, my first OTP.

Dinner and a movie

As soon as that crisp comes into the air, I think of two things. One, how much of a pain in the ass it will be to have to travel during the holidays. I mean, really, airports at Christmas are the least merry places on Earth. And then the second, is what movies are going to make me run out to a theater near me soon. All the trailers for the big Serious Oscar Contenders start to roll out. And then the super advance trailers for next summer’s blockbusters muscle in as well. It hasn’t been a great movie year for me so far. I mean, I’ve seen some I liked (Harry Potter, I really liked Harry Potter – along with the rest of the planet), but not really that many. A few trailers for upcoming films have already caught my eye, like “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and “Albert Nobbs.” So now it’s time to look at some more films coming up soon (or soon-ish) with great female leads that look worthy a $23 tub of popcorn.

Pariah (December 2011, limited)

God, I hope this movie gets a wider release. I really, really do.

The Iron Lady (December 2011)

Not because of Thatcher, all because of Streep. Also Giles (I see you, Anthony Stewart Head, I see you.)

Haywire (January 2012)

To die between mixed martial arts fighter Gina Carano’s thighs? Um, I can think of worse ways to go.

The Hunger Games (March 2012)

OK, OK. I’m convinced. Bring on the dystopia and bows and arrows.

Snow White and the Huntsman (June 2012)

Yes, K-Stew in shining armor is nice. But make no mistake, I am seeing this movie for Charlize. Evil, succubusy, gorgeous Charlize.

Brave (June 2012)

Is it possible to be envious of an animated character’s hair? Because, I am. Also, her feisty attitude ain’t bad either.

Right. So, now the only question is do you want extra butter on your popcorn or not?

Hello, Mr. Nobbs

Glenn Close, handsome woman and, interesting, also a pretty handsome man. The trailer for the new film “Albert Nobbs” has me all kind of excited. Not just because Glenn is passing as a man to work in Victorian England. Not just because it looks like a cross between “Upstairs Downstairs” and “Tipping the Velvet.” Not just because Glenn romances Mia Wasikowska (actually, that weirds me out just a little – hello, 42-year age difference).

But because, well, it looks good. And Glenn looks terrific. And the whole thing could just be really, really interesting. Heck, I was excited when I first heard about the film, period. But now that there’s a trailer, well, sign me up for some complicated Victorian-era gender politics with a love triangle to boot.

Right? I just hope poor Albert doesn’t get his (her?) heart broken. I already have a soft spot for that strange, kind little man. Though if Mia won’t have him, something tells me Albert just might have a date in the future with another funny little man, a man named Oscar.

Dragon lady

OK, I’m in. Sure, I have my reservations. Sure, I loved the original. Sure, I really, really loved Noomi Rapace. But I am in for the new American remake. Is it necessary? Probably not. Reading subtitled is not that hard. Still the new trailer has made me hopeful. This thing could be good. This thing could be quite good. But, you know, don’t take my word for it. Judge for yourself.

So first things first, Rooney Mara is no Noomi Rapace. Clearly. But, Rooney could still be a fairly kick-ass Lisbeth Salander. Different, yes. But perhaps somewhat more like what author Stieg Larsson envisioned in his original description of her as a grown-up Pippi Longstocking who is “a pale, anorexic young woman who had hair as short as a fuse, and a pierced nose and eyebrows…On those occasions when she had been wearing a tank top, a dragon tattoo can be seen on her left shoulder blade.”

Also David Fincher is undeniably a talented director and his taut, stylish camera work is already evident in the trailer. I mean, if he can make a bunch of nerds staring at computer screens seem suspenseful then think what he can do with a genuinely suspenseful story like this. It’s almost…frightening.

Though one of my continued concerns is that this movie looks a little like the Mikael Blomkvist story instead of the Lisbeth Salander show. Some of this is due to the casting. Daniel Craig is James Bond, and Rooney Mara is that girl who dumped the guy who invented Facebook. So while Craig is the marquee name, hopefully Rooney will still be the main attraction when all things are said and done.

Though one of the things I’m obviously happy to see is that Lisbeth’s bisexuality is still intact. Though, there was never much doubt that would make it into the new film. (SPOILER ALERT: Skip the rest of this paragraph if you haven’t read the book or seen the film.) What I like about the trailer is that while Lisbeth’s relationship with Miriam is revealed, her relationship with Blomkvist is barely hinted at. Part of that is probably because it’s the natural progression with the story and a pretty big thing to give away in a preview. But it’s also somewhat encouraging because the easiest thing marketers can do to make a female character who has an eye for the ladies more appealing to male viewers is to show she also has an eye for the fellas.

Though, the poster more than makes up for the trailer’s restraint. And it also points to more of my Blomkvist Show v. Salander Show worries. She is naked, he is clothed. She looks small, he looks imposing. Even the way he is holding her is equal parts dominating and protective. Lisbeth Salander doesn’t need a protector – even if he is 007.

But the poster is the poster, the film is the film. And I think for all my love of the original, I’m still going to give this American version a chance. And if it also turns out to be good, well then there will be two movies about a fierce, ferociously independent heroine that are worth watching. And that’s not a bad thing, not a bad thing at all.

Muppet Monday

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? Because rainbows are fucking awesome, that’s why. Now, when I first heard they were making a new Muppet movie, I was skeptical. Messing with beloved childhood memories is always a tricky proposition. But then I heard that Jason Segel was behind the project and I was really, really skeptical. Keep in mind, this news came out the same year as “Saving Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” So pretty much I knew him as that guy whose junk I saw way too much of. But, mostly, it was the beloved childhood memory thing. I cried the day Jim Henson died, I really did.

So then, as the movie developed, I was anxious to see what direction they’d go. The first trailer was perfectly charming. And now, well, their new parody trailer “The Pig with the Froggy Tattoo” has totally won me over. You had me at “Wocka. Wocka,” new Muppet movie.

The new Muppet movie also comes with a brand new Muppet album, which makes sense because music was such a big part of the original movies and show. NPR streamed the whole album last month. (Sadly, the stream is now over.) But, you can hear the very new, very different Muppet theme song by OK GO. When I first heard it, I hated it. Then it grew on me and I kind of dug it. Then I watched the video and I was a little “Nope, hipster nonsense.”

So, judge for yourself. I actually don’t mind the crunky synth wheeze of the new song. But for some reason when paired with the video it’s just not working for me anymore. I think it’s because the dude with the cap and beard looks more Muppety than the actual Muppets.

And, well, it is hard to improve upon something as flat-out sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetationalas this.

OK, new Muppet movie. I’m going to give you a try. Just don’t go breaking my heart. I already have “The Rainbow Connection” to do that. Talk amongst yourselves, kittens. I’ll just be sitting on this log, reliving my childhood until the new movie comes out.

Over the girl

Last week we spoke about that elusive good lesbian movie, so this week I thought we’d take a trip back in the way-back machine to a little year I like to call 1997. Bill Clinton was still in office. No one had ever heard of Monica Lewinsky. No one outside of Texas had heard of George W. Bush. The war in Iraq was a distant memory. This whole internet thing was just starting to seem awesome. And a little movie called “All Over Me” was released.



There is nothing really flashy about “All Over Me,” and that’s a good thing. It’s just the story of a teenage girl, Claude (Alison Folland), growing up in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen and trying to navigate the big city and her bigger emotions for her best friend, Ellen (Tara Subkoff). I haven’t seen it in years (note to self: order the DVD immediately), but I can still remember how real it felt the first time I watched it. Everything about it – the grit, the hunger, the devotion, the confusion – it was all so honest. And so raw. Most movies about teenagers today delight in making them precocious one-liner machines. They’re too cool for whatever school they’re stuck in, and we know it. But “All Over Me” wasn’t interested in the normal trappings of Hollywood a coming-of-age stories, or being cool. It was just interested in being real.



One scene in particular sticks with me, all these years later. When Claude is helping Ellen in the restaurant bathroom and she says to her, “Everyone knows I’m your dog.” My God, haven’t we all been there. For young women, gay and straight, the female friendships we have as teenagers are some of the most intense and most complicated of our lives. It’s a fascinating dynamic that rarely gets touched on in most movies beyond the sassy best friend character. But what fertile cinematic ground awaits for those who dig a little deeper.



I’d always hoped for more great things from the filmmakers, sisters Alex and Sylvia Sichel, would go on to do many more great things. The last major credit for them on IMDB is the Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams “1972” segment in “If These Walls Could Talk 2.” That, by the way, was my favorite segment from that film, one that again showcased the sisters skill at subtle, yet powerful realism. Also, damn, it was hot.



And so were scenes in “All Over Me.” Why hello, adorable young, pink-haired Leisha Hailey. Hello very much.

All that and it also stars Rickie Vasquez Wilson Cruz. Yep, definitely buying this DVD. Definitely.

It's a small world after all

So over the weekend I tried to watch “Room in Rome,” emphasis on tried. Man, that movie was a hot mess, emphasis on mess. And then I also watched “Bloomington,” which in true lesbian fashion I am still processing my feelings about. But what both movies reminded me is of the audacity of hope we have each time we watch a new lesbian movie. Maybe, just maybe, this will be The One. The good lesbian movie, at long last. We have so precious few. So I’m pleased to say there are a few lesbian films (or at the very least lesbianish ones) coming out soon that make me again hope against hope. Interestingly, they’re all foreign films. (Come on America, what happened to “We’re No. 1!”?) But who cares about borders, I’ll watch any lesbian movie from anywhere as long as it isn’t “Bar Girls.” No, seriously, never make me watch “Bar Girls” again. Let one, or with any luck all, of these movies be the bad lesbian movie antidote.

Circumstance

Wow, this movie looks beautiful. And not only beautiful, but importance as it shines a needed light of the plight of lesbians in Middle Eastern countries, in this case Iran. Also, wow, this movie looks beautiful.

Love Crime

So this isn’t so much straight-up lesbian as it is straight-up mind fuck. But there are definite lesbian undertones. Also Kristin Scott Thomas speaks French. So, you know, sold.

Kyss Mig (Kiss Me)

I’ve raved about how good this film looks before. And I’ll rave about how good it looks again. Also, have I mentioned one of my raves made the film’s official movie poster? Does this mean my ticket is free when it finally opens here?

So there you have it. A world of lesbian cinema awaits. Fingers crossed, ladies, fingers crossed.

Hungry eyes

Lesbians have a love/hate relationship with lesbian movies. We love to watch them, but we hate how bad they often are. As any nascent lesbian going through her I-must-consume-every-lesbian-movie-ever-made phase can tell you, not all lesbian movies are created equal. In fact, don’t tell the religious right this, but instead of using their so-called “ex-gay” therapies, they’d have much better results by forcing us to watch “Bar Girls” and “Claire of the Moon” on a continuous loop. They’re almost bad enough to turn even the gayest gal straight. Almost.

So this weekend, I thought I’d have a lezzer movie binge and watch one I’d never seen before. Somehow, despite my best intentions, I’d never had a chance to catch “Nina’s Heavenly Delights.” This is kind of crazy considering 1) the cast is crazy gorgeous and 2) it’s about food. Hello, gorgeous people and food consumer a good 85 percent of my waking thoughts. And it was also nice to see Shelley Conn and Laura Fraser in earlier roles, since I’ve seen both subsequently in other projects (“Mistresses” and “Lip Service,” most recently).

Was it a great film? No. Choppy plotting, uneven characterizations, contrived situations. Also, I could have done without ghost dad. I felt at any minute Whoopi Goldberg might show up and say, “Nina, you in danger, girl.” But it was cute in its own way and had so much pretty to look at in the form of Shelley and Laura that I can forgive it some of its sins. But, yeah, it’s not going on my iPhone next to “Imagine Me and You,” or anything.

What it did give us was one truly sexy moment between Shelley’s Nina and Laura’s Lisa. And I’m not talking about any of the kisses, though they were nice. They really were. But, what I thought worked best in the film was its hunger. And not just for chicken xacuti. I mean the other kind of hunger. Laura in particular does a lovely job of conveying her hunger, with her big eyes and eager face. It’s also a testament to her acting abilities that I find her entirely winsome in this film whereas I find Cat on “Lip Service” a tad irritating. But right, back to the scene.

Right, now if the whole movie had been like those 19 seconds, well, that would have been truly heavenly.

Independence Day

I can’t think of a better way to honor Independence Day than with a little Ani DiFranco and girls kissing. In fact, I feel like it’s our constitutional duty to celebrate the Fourth of July in this fashion. What did our Founding Fathers fight for anyway if not right for us to have a three-day weekend and use those three days to make videos of hot women kissing. At least, I think that’s what I remember learning in my high school history class. Maybe my textbook was different from yours. Anyway, I clearly used my time wisely this weekend and spent it making this. Please be gentle, it is my first (and possibly last) music video compilation. (Also watch it in HD, it’s prettier that way.) No one else had Ani’s “Independence Day” set to anything. So, you know, I kind of had to. Happy birthday, America. And, you know, happy Monday everyone else.

My Weekend Crush

Before “Bridesmaids” opened to stellar box office last weekend, the prevailing critical buzz was a plaintive plea for men to see this movie despite the fact that it starred a bunch of women. It’s not a chick flick! Funny for everyone! Guys will love this! And while those things are all very, very true, it also irks me a little. Because there’s also nothing wrong with saying this either: Ladies, you will love this movie. No, really, you will love this movie. Laugh until the verge of bladder control issues. Bury your head in your friend’s shoulder from disbelief. Even, yes, maybe mist up a little. This movie is what women have been waiting for from comedies. It is the opposite of everything we hate about the movies we’re supposed to like. In place of treacle and triteness, it gives us hilarity and heart.

The industry always frets that “women’s films” don’t make money. But the truth of the matter is bad women’s films don’t make money. And, let’s be perfectly honest, most chick flicks suck. But when instead you give us quality, fleshed-out characters and whip-smart writing, and we will come to the tune of a $26 million opening weekend. And, heavens, I haven’t even started on the performances. Perfect cast is perfect. Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Melissa McCarthy. Good God, Melissa McCarthy. You all know I love Kristen to bits and pieces already, but Melissa nearly stole the show from some of the best show stealers in the business. If this cast doesn’t finally and forever put to rest the idiotic “women aren’t funny” bullshit, then nothing ever will.

I think one of the best things about this film, other than the free ab workout from the ugly snort laughing, was leaving the theater made me feel good about being a woman. Too many films make us feel bad about our womanhood. They say only the happily ever after will make us truly happy. But “Bridesmaids” reached for a different kind of aspiration, the sort that says it’s OK to let your freak flag fly. We’re too complex for the stereotypes, too interesting for the Hollywood ending. We women are weird and wonderful creatures, and it’s nice to have a film that celebrates that for a change. Boys, you are more than welcome to come along for the ride. But this movie, this movie is all ours, baby. Happy weekend, all.

Sucker Princess

Oh, “Sucker Punch.” How you’re still disappointing me days later. It wasn’t just that it was bad, which it was. It’s that it had so much potential to be awesome, which it wasn’t. Girl power isn’t just a girl with a gun. Girl power is giving women the power to control their own destinies, to decide their own fates, to carve out their own places in the world. All that lovely talent and whiz-bang CGI wizardry and what you’re left with is an ugly mess that manages to be as unsexy as it is unfun. How do you make two hours of hot girls in tiny skirts kicking ass boring? Like I said, disappointing.

But you know what’s not disappointing? “Sucker Punch” and Disney Princess mash-ups. Certainly the Disney damsels too often represent their own set of gender stereotypes and problematic perpetuations. But they never wallowed as much in their unapologetic misogyny as Zack Snyder’s little porn fetish rape fantasy. Plus, their villains were way, way better. Steampunk zombies have nothing on Ursula the Sea Witch.

You don’t know how much I wish I had seen this movie instead.

SGALGG: Sucker Punch Edition

As counterintuitive as this may sound, there are considerably better ways to spend a Saturday night than with five hot girls in tiny shirts kicking ass. So, yeah, “Sucker Punch” is not a good movie. It’s a bad movie. And not good bad, but bad bad. It’s like they gave a 14-year-old videogame addict $82 million dollars and told him to go make the movie of his dreams. Except they told him he wasn’t allowed to show nudity or sex. So he made up for it with more samurais and more robots and more dragons and more zombie German soldiers. Oh, and a lot of threats of rape. Sigh. Also thanks to all the slo-mo CGI green screenery, I never noticed how short Emily is. She’s a good head shorter than all her co-stars. She’s practically elfin. Has anyone checked her ears?

Of course, none of this complaining about the film is meant in any way to disparage the movie’s lovely leading ladies. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung and Carla Gugino are very lovely. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed the film more on mute, just to gaze at their loveliness and forget the huge fucking mess around them. Still, I am grateful to the movie for bringing these delightful women together, and giving them the opportunity to do their best Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals renditions at the film’s premiere last week. In short, save the 10 bucks and just enjoy the eye candy here. You can always make your own popcorn at home.

Carla & EmilySqueeze a little tighter, darling. It’s working.

Emily & VanessaSo that’s why she broke up with Zac.

Abbie & EmilySignature short-girl second base move. Trust me, I’m short.

Emma Roberts, Emily & some girl who went for itHey, you’ve got to take your shots when you see them.

Vanessa & JenaNo, wait, clearly this is why she broke up with Zac.

Jamie & AbbieWhatever Abbie is doing, Jamie likes it.

Abbie & CarlaSomewhere Ryan Phillippe is seething.

Malin Akerman & CarlaHer ex-costars keep coming back for more snuggle time.

CarlaAnd now we know why.

Read my full “Sucker Punch” review on AfterEllen.

Punch drunk

You guys, I’m kind of ridiculously excited about “Sucker Punch.” It’s three weeks and a day away now and I’m practically hopping around the room in anticipation. Do I think this will be a “Citizen Kane*”-esque work of cinema to be discussed in film theory classes for generations to come? Well, no. Do I think it’s going to be a ridiculous amount of fun watching five girls flip around in tiny skirts while kicking major ass? Hell yeah. And, yes, we could get into a long conversation about why girl heroes need to be in body suits, short skirts and bitty bikinis to get seen while male heroes need only to show up in a tuxedo, T-shirt or occasionally Batsuit. But, let’s face it, that’s the world. It sucks and it’s tiring and it’s everywhere. And while I will happily rage against it any other day, today I’m going to celebrate the fact that five female leads – regardless of what they are or aren’t wearing –get to headline a big-budget action spectacular. Women just don’t get to do that all that often and definitely not in such large numbers. So, I’m taking it, tiny skirts and all. And, truth be told, I’m not entirely against tiny skirts as a concept. Ahem.

p.s. I’m also pretty damn excited about “Hanna.” And Saoirse Ronan doesn’t even have to wear a tiny skirt.

Bring it, ladies. Bring it.

*Damn, I got too carried away with the alliteration. Or was thinking of that other, less Oscar-worthy “Citizen Cane” which can be found in the backrooms of seedy video stores across the country.

Our stories, Ourselves

I try to write about women’s issues a lot on this blog – not just because I’m a woman, but because it matters how 51 percent of the population is treated in this world. I would hope that even if I wasn’t a woman I’d still care a lot about women’s issues. Women’s rights, women’s representation, women’s equality – they aren’t just about how women are treated, but what we value as a society. Even though this is mostly just a silly site that merrily muses about effervescent pop culture and pretty, pretty ladies, I try to do my small part to advocate for more, better and total inclusion of women in all forms of entertainment. This year I made an informal resolution to myself to stop watching TV shows that don’t pass the Bechdel Rule. So that killed “Hawaii Five-O” (Grace Park in a bikini is great, but it’d be even greater if she had another regular female castmate to talk with each week.) In TV – where we follow characters for years, not just 90 minutes – it’s even less excusable to not pass the simple test of having two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.

But what we see on screen is one thing, what happens behind the screen is another. The simple fact, the undeniable truth is that we women simply are not in command of our own stories. You see, who tells a story matters. Yet according to a new study by the Women’s Media Center, only 8 percent of all film writers are women. That means 92 percent are men, telling all of the stories we see on the screen. In 2009, women directed 7 percent of the top films that year. That’s the same percentage as in 1987, more than two decades ago. Last year, everyone crowed about the great stride for womankind with Kathryn Bigelow’s win as the first woman in 82 years to win an Academy Award for directing. She was only the fourth woman ever to receive the nomination. This year no women were nominated, despite two female-directed films landing best pictures nods. One step forward, yet we’re still looking up from the bottom rung.

These kinds of stark imbalances are sadly not sequestered to the world of entertainment. Women represent less than 25 percent of all op-ed pieces written, 13 percent of Sunday morning news show guests and 3 percent of the decision makers in the media. And we haven’t even reached the halls of real power. Out of 435 members of the House of Representatives, only 79 are women. Out of 100 senators, only 17 are women. We’ve only ever had one female Speaker of the House, who has now been relegated to minority leader. We are still waiting for our first-ever female vice president or president. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Just yesterday it was revealed in The New York Times that just 13 percent of Wikipedia contributors are women. And Wikipedia is a self-selecting group that can create, edit, contribute at will. So we’re self-selecting ourselves out of 87 percent of the information shared on one of the world’s largest information databases. Fantastic.

These numbers should make us furious. We should be livid. We should demand and accept nothing less than an equal place at the tables of power. Yet, here we are, chugging along. We coexist calmly in the face of inherent inequality. And, sure we frequently bemoan our fate and raise a righteous fuss, but otherwise we kind of just accept it. Maybe it’s that we've been conditioned to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. So we’ve been fooled into not caring. But it matters who tells our stories, who makes our news, who controls our power.

I guess this is my long and rambling way of saying, I’m mad. I think we all should be mad. That informal Bechdel resolution is now a permanent one. Same goes for movies. Same goes for whatever I put out there every day in my small of slices of that media pie. I’m going to try harder, be madder, get louder. Our stories deserve to be told, and we deserve to tell them.

To infinity, and beyond

What is it about our childhoods? The holding on, the reaching back. I guess it’s because things were simpler, we were simpler. Nostalgia, on its own, is a powerful thing. But when coupled with other emotions – love, loss, regret, hope – it can comfort us better than any blanket. Over the weekend my mother’s best friend, a woman I’ve known since the fourth grade, died suddenly. Wife, mother, grandmother, friend. She was one of the most gracious, hard-working and thoughtful persons I’ve ever known. Our families were close. We spent almost every Christmas Eve together – including this past year – for decades. Yet there, on the other end of that phone call, I wished I was closer. But the 2,000 miles between us meant I could only offer condolences and platitudes. Once the call was over, I was left alone with just thoughts of her family and my mother and all those shared holidays and meals and laughs. So I sought out my own comforting nostalgia. And what I turned to for a surrogate hug was Pixar. It may seem silly to find solace in movies. But that, after all, is what they’re there for – entertainment, diversion, understanding, truth. This weekend I marathoned all the “Toy Story” movies. Can you believe I’d never seen them before – and I’m a Pixar fangirl. And then, when I had trouble sleeping that night, I pulled up “Finding Nemo” on my iPhone and let it help me drift off to slumber. Yes, I’m a childless adult with “Finding Nemo” and “WALL-E” on her phone. While they’re not a part of my childhood, they bring up the universal emotions from childhood. Regardless of age, they’re a reminder of what mattered then isn’t really so much different than what matters now. Love, laughter, loyalty and how lucky we are to have good friends pass through our lives.

Always a bridesmaid

Unless all the other nominees fall into a “Rabbit Hole” (puns, puns!) and therefore clear the field for a Nicole Kidman upset, whoever wins for best actress or supporting actress this year will be taking home her very first shiny naked gold man. Well, fine, I don’t want to make any assumptions about these women’s sexual peccadilloes so to be safe let us say their first shiny naked gold man named Oscar – without private parts or facial features, and holding a sword. Right, so my point is that the vast majority of the actresses nominated for Academy Awards this year haven’t won before. No wins for Annette Bening, no wins for Natalie Portman, no wins for Helena Bonham Carter, no wins for Amy Adams. Nada. But that could all change for two lucky ladies. (Though until then, please feel free to ogle their award-winning tank top form as a consolation prize.)

Still, there are so many other ridiculously talented actresses who won’t have that chance this year and are likewise trophyless. Like, did you know Greta Garbo and Judy Garland never won an acting Oscar? No wonder Garbo wanted to be left alone – the shame. And there are plenty of modern-day actresses who have never gotten their proper due. Here is a look at a ten of today’s continual bridesmaids, never a bride when it comes to the shiny naked golden man.

Julianne Moore

Julianne has been nominated four times (“The End of the Affair,” “Boogie Nights,” “Far From Heaven,” “The Hours”). More often than not, Moore picks interesting, off-beat projects over commercial, big-budget offerings. And she is ready and quite convincing at playing gay from “The Hours” to “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” to “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right.”She should have been nominated alongside Annette. I mean, if she can make a totally ludicrous stalker flick like “Chloe” watchable, she should have a whole separate room in her house just to hold all of her Oscars already.

Glenn Close

Glenn Close has not won an Oscar. Yeah, let that sink into the little gray cells. Five nominations (“The World According to Garp,” “The Big Chill,” “The Natural,” “Fatal Attraction,” “Dangerous Liasons”) and no wins yet Mira Sorvino, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Roberto Benigni all have acting Oscars.

Sigourney Weaver

Everything I said above, ditto. Three nominations for Sigourney (“Aliens,” “Gorillas in the Mist,” “Working Girl”) and no wins. Don’t make her get into that hydraulic robot suit from “Aliens” and crush some heads, people.

Naomi Watts

The first time I saw Naomi was in the dream within a nightmare within a blue box that was “Mulholland Dr.” When she made the transformation from Betty to Diane, I didn’t even recognize her for a minute. And then I knew – I knew this one was special. Only one nomination so for “21 Grams,” but that’ll change. It has to.

Angela Bassett

Angela only has one nomination for 1993’s searing “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” but that’s not for lack of talent but the paucity of strong roles for actresses of color, period. Come on, she’s been giving us two tickets to the gun show for years, the least we could do is invite her to a few more award shows.

Michelle Pfeiffer

I think the problem with Michelle is that she is so damn beautiful that sometimes you forget she can act. Three nominations (“Dangerous Liasons,” “The Fabulous Baker Boys,” “Love Field”) prove she can. But once you see that face, you’re all, “Um, wait, what were we talking about?”

Laura Linney

Laura is one of those people I fear will never win because she is always good, always. In fact, she is so good we take her for granted. But being that consistent isn’t luck, it’s hard work – like her three nominated roles (“You Can Count on Me,” “Kinsey,” “The Savages”). Well, at least she is doing well for herself on TV.

Catherine Keener

Nominated twice (“Being John Malkovich,” “Capote”), Catherine is another one of those unendingly dependable actresses. But just because it looks easy, doesn’t mean it is. Also, dude, she’s Dawn Denbo’s sister.

Salma Hayek

Don’t let the accent fool you, Salma is good. Her one nominated turn in “Frida” was great. And – think about it nominating committees – why would you ever pass up the opportunity to have Salma in a form-fitting ball gown on your red carpet? That opportunity you’re missing is golden.

Lauren Bacall

In 1996, when Lauren lost in an upset to Juliette Binoche after her first and only nomination for “The Mirror Has Two Face,” you could almost see her mentally telling Juliette to put her lips together and blow.

So many snubs, so many ways that blows.

This slays me

So last night, in a moment of weakness and because nothing else was on TV and it was a free preview weekend for Showtime, I cracked and finally watched “Twilight.” I’d resisted watching a single “Twilight” movie for more than two full years. Of course, I heard all about them. Unless you lived in a cave (without cable service or the internet service or subscription service to “Entertainment Weekly”), it was impossible to ignore the phenomena. But until last night I’d just scoffed on principle. Now, well, now I feel I can scoff with authority. It’s not necessarily that I thought “Twilight” was terrible – I take it back, every time Bella and Edward spoke to each other it was terrible. It’s just that it’s such an outmoded kind of love story. Really, the weak girl needs a strong man to protect her? Really, stalking as a form of romantic courtship? Really, “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin,” really? Whuck?

I guess what “Twilight” really does is make me miss “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” even more. Because instead of being about a fragile girl and her gallant, broody vampire protector, it was the story of a gallant girl who protected the world and, OK, occasionally dated broody vampires. But at least none of her vampire boyfriends sparkled in the sun like a sullen disco ball. Buffy also had Willow and Xander. And Willow had Tara and extra flamey candles. It also has the L Word (Lllll-esbians!) and the F Word (Fffff-eminism) and the P Word (Ppppp-op culture zingers!) I need to go pull out my DVDs immediately and hug them tight.

I know it’s unfair to compare “Buffy” and “Twilight,” really. One is about a romance set to appeal to teen girls and people’s inner teen girl and the other is about subverting of all those teen girl romances and carving its own path. But just in case those of you watching at home had forgotten, Buffy is better. And all those teenage girls sleeping soundly on their Team Edward or Team Jacob pillows should instead be sleeping under a big Team Buffy comforter. Because that’s the real stuff dreams are made of. Also – come on – Buffy would clean the floor with Edward. Seriously, not even close.

Buddy can you spare a fuck

So, say you’re the star of one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Say it has already garnered a slew of awards and nominations. Say it is on the short list for Oscars as well. How best would you follow up said stint in the limelight? A) By taking your time and selecting a worthy follow-up film of equal prestige? Or B) By signing on to a fuck buddy movie with some goofy male co-star and dropping trou repeatedly? If you chose B, you are Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Yes, somehow the actresses filmed rival fuck buddy movies (and they say romance is dead) as their follow ups. Both have blandly generic idioms for titles: “No Strings Attached!” “Friends with Benefits!” Both have mildy annoying, definitely smug male co-stars: Ashton Kutcher! Justin Timberlake! Both have released sexy Red Band trailers to entice the horny masses: Natalie Portman naked! Mila Kunis naked! Ugh, ladies, really?

Look, I know lame rom-coms are a rite of passage in almost any young actresses’ life. I know they’ve run out of “meet cute” ideas. So now they’ve move on to “Already met, let’s fuck.” But how is it that both actresses from “Black Swan” are now in dueling movies with the exact same concept? So now the only question remains, which one looks better? The answer is probably dependent on which male co-star you find less irritating. But as always, in the interest of science, I think we should examine the evidence. To the videotape!

No String Attached


Friends with Benefits

Gosh, will they end up falling in love and having more than just sex? I can’t see that coming at all, in either movie, at all.

You know what, I take it all back. These movies don’t look bad and clichéd at all. In fact, they’re brilliant, but with one minor tweak. Drop Ashton and Justin and just put Natalie and Mila together. Call it “No Strings with Benefits” and have them be two lifelong friends who decide to start having sex instead. We already know they look amazing together. Are you listening, Hollywood? Now that, that is box office gold. GOLD.

Stop trying to make fetch happen

So last night while attempting to watch and understand my first episode of “Pretty Little Liars” (admittedly, jumping into a “Scooby-Doo with lesbians who aren’t Velma” teen mystery show in its second season is a little tricky), I saw an ad for an abomination. As in hell fire, eternal damnation, do not pass go do not collect $200 abomination. Why is there a “Mean Girls 2?” What fuckery is this? The direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2004 film that lacks a) original star Lindsay Lohan, b) original writer or co-star Tina Fey or c) any of the stars, story or – from the more than bland trailer – sophisticated sensibilities of the original. Boo, you whore! After a little research, I found out that Tina wisely declined (repeatedly) to be involved in any sequel shenaniganery. Instead lesbian director Melanie Mayron (the red-head from “thirtysomething”) directed the whole thing. For shame. As I was saying, an abomination.

So to cleanse the palate of such horrors (why, Disney, why must you resurrect something that was perfect and turn it into a Frankenstein monster no one wants?), let’s just celebrate the original. Watching it for the first time in the theater I discovered that a) this Lindsay Lohan girl can act, I hope she grows up nicely, b) this Tina Fey person can do a lot more than tell jokes behind a desk, I want to go to there and c) this movie is like “Heathers” for another generation, but in an amazing non-derivative way. You go, Glen Coco.

“Mean Girls 2” doesn’t even go here.

p.s. The original also gave us this Tina Fey in her bra. No sequel could ever improve on that. Ever.