Vacation Vixen: Julianne Moore

I know it’s pretty un-PETA of me, but I just love the way skin looks against leather.

Always a bridesmaid

Unless all the other nominees fall into a “Rabbit Hole” (puns, puns!) and therefore clear the field for a Nicole Kidman upset, whoever wins for best actress or supporting actress this year will be taking home her very first shiny naked gold man. Well, fine, I don’t want to make any assumptions about these women’s sexual peccadilloes so to be safe let us say their first shiny naked gold man named Oscar – without private parts or facial features, and holding a sword. Right, so my point is that the vast majority of the actresses nominated for Academy Awards this year haven’t won before. No wins for Annette Bening, no wins for Natalie Portman, no wins for Helena Bonham Carter, no wins for Amy Adams. Nada. But that could all change for two lucky ladies. (Though until then, please feel free to ogle their award-winning tank top form as a consolation prize.)

Still, there are so many other ridiculously talented actresses who won’t have that chance this year and are likewise trophyless. Like, did you know Greta Garbo and Judy Garland never won an acting Oscar? No wonder Garbo wanted to be left alone – the shame. And there are plenty of modern-day actresses who have never gotten their proper due. Here is a look at a ten of today’s continual bridesmaids, never a bride when it comes to the shiny naked golden man.

Julianne Moore

Julianne has been nominated four times (“The End of the Affair,” “Boogie Nights,” “Far From Heaven,” “The Hours”). More often than not, Moore picks interesting, off-beat projects over commercial, big-budget offerings. And she is ready and quite convincing at playing gay from “The Hours” to “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” to “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right.”She should have been nominated alongside Annette. I mean, if she can make a totally ludicrous stalker flick like “Chloe” watchable, she should have a whole separate room in her house just to hold all of her Oscars already.

Glenn Close

Glenn Close has not won an Oscar. Yeah, let that sink into the little gray cells. Five nominations (“The World According to Garp,” “The Big Chill,” “The Natural,” “Fatal Attraction,” “Dangerous Liasons”) and no wins yet Mira Sorvino, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Roberto Benigni all have acting Oscars.

Sigourney Weaver

Everything I said above, ditto. Three nominations for Sigourney (“Aliens,” “Gorillas in the Mist,” “Working Girl”) and no wins. Don’t make her get into that hydraulic robot suit from “Aliens” and crush some heads, people.

Naomi Watts

The first time I saw Naomi was in the dream within a nightmare within a blue box that was “Mulholland Dr.” When she made the transformation from Betty to Diane, I didn’t even recognize her for a minute. And then I knew – I knew this one was special. Only one nomination so for “21 Grams,” but that’ll change. It has to.

Angela Bassett

Angela only has one nomination for 1993’s searing “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” but that’s not for lack of talent but the paucity of strong roles for actresses of color, period. Come on, she’s been giving us two tickets to the gun show for years, the least we could do is invite her to a few more award shows.

Michelle Pfeiffer

I think the problem with Michelle is that she is so damn beautiful that sometimes you forget she can act. Three nominations (“Dangerous Liasons,” “The Fabulous Baker Boys,” “Love Field”) prove she can. But once you see that face, you’re all, “Um, wait, what were we talking about?”

Laura Linney

Laura is one of those people I fear will never win because she is always good, always. In fact, she is so good we take her for granted. But being that consistent isn’t luck, it’s hard work – like her three nominated roles (“You Can Count on Me,” “Kinsey,” “The Savages”). Well, at least she is doing well for herself on TV.

Catherine Keener

Nominated twice (“Being John Malkovich,” “Capote”), Catherine is another one of those unendingly dependable actresses. But just because it looks easy, doesn’t mean it is. Also, dude, she’s Dawn Denbo’s sister.

Salma Hayek

Don’t let the accent fool you, Salma is good. Her one nominated turn in “Frida” was great. And – think about it nominating committees – why would you ever pass up the opportunity to have Salma in a form-fitting ball gown on your red carpet? That opportunity you’re missing is golden.

Lauren Bacall

In 1996, when Lauren lost in an upset to Juliette Binoche after her first and only nomination for “The Mirror Has Two Face,” you could almost see her mentally telling Juliette to put her lips together and blow.

So many snubs, so many ways that blows.

SGALGG: Gay Globes Edition

Whew, what a night. And by “what a night,” I mean I think only Tina Fey escaped without being hilariously insulted by Ricky Gervais. It was a night of super gay triumphs – “The Kids Are All Right,” “Glee.” Heck, Natalie Portman even gave Mila Kunis a special award for her “sweet lips.” All in all, it was a good night for Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays. It was also a good night for Straight Gals and Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gays and plain-old Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gays. The Globes really were gay.

SGALGG

Tilda Swinton & Helen MirrenThat hug makes me swoon in the deepest parts of my heart.

Tilda Swinton & Claire DanesTilda, you dog! Does Helen know?

Busy Philipps & Michelle WilliamsThey look like they were just telling each other secrets. Preferably naughty ones.

Amber Riley & Lea MicheleMerBerry?

Naya Rivera & Heather MorrisRyan Murphy, open your eyes.

Piper Perabo & Her PonytailThat’s 1,000 bonus gay girl points for Piper.

Tina Fey & Her NBC PromoShe called her friendship with Amy Poehler, “like Oprah and Gayle, only we’re not denying anything.”

Annette Bening & Julianne MooreThe way Annette is squinting and Julianne is crouching, it’s like they’re still in character as Nic and Jules.

SGGGALGG

Annette Bening & Lisa CholodenkoAnnette is so method, she’s even starting to experience lesbian twin syndrome with Lisa.

Angelina Jolie & Amy PascalEven the high-powered Sony Pictures Entertainment Co-Chairman is doing her best to make a pass at Angie.


GGALGG

Lisa Cholodenko & Wendy MelvoinI wonder if they shared their hair product with Annette.

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThis is what a big scary gay marriage looks like, America. Tremble at its adorability.

Santana & BrittanyClearly they’re in character here. Later, they’ll practice scissoring.

For a full Golden Globes recap, check AfterEllen later today.

Keeping abreast

Hey, hey. My words. They’re up here. OK, so, yesterday my thought process went like this: “Write many things and then spruce them up with some pretty pictures.” But today, I know better. Today I’m going to stop fighting it and reverse the equation. Why? Because it’s 10 days until Christmas (or if you don’t celebrate Christmas, a nice long weekend). I think we all deserve to turn off our brains a bit. And, as evolution would have it, my theme for today’s post has a habit of turning off brains anyway. I’ll freely admit, I’m not really a breast gal. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’ve nice – no, really nice. But I can usually still make steady eye contact with a lady in spite her really nice rack. Not that I don’t enjoy a peek now and then. There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to not stare at these. [Though your work might think otherwise, so tastefully – that means no nip – NSFW.]

Scarlett JohanssonSo she is single now. So, you know – hey, girl.

Christina HendricksLike I could leave her off this list. Pshaw.

Anna FrielSize doesn’t matter.

Julianne MooreI can’t say this enough: This woman is FIFTY.

BeyoncéIt’s kind of not fair being both bootylicious and boobylicious.

Anne HathawayAnne is totally laughing at my boobylicious joke.

Dita von TeeseMatching one’s cleavage to one’s jacket is truly a lost art form.

RihannaIf she really was the only girl in the world, that would be a shame because we wouldn’t be able to look at her.

Blake LivelyIs it just me, or does that look uncomfortable?

Salma HayekWhen she arrives to vacation on small South Pacific islands the villagers always notice an abrupt change in the tidal patterns which subsist immediately after she leaves once again. They have yet to determine what is causing the additional orbital pull. Ahem.

Lynda Carter/Wonder WomanThe Wonder Boobs were responsible for untold numbers of nascent lesbian experiences.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Red Carpet Attire

So in the last week or so I’ve noticed a lot of ladies showing up on the red carpet in full men’s wear. I’m not talking just a petite blazer over a pencil skirt, but a real formal suit. Obviously, I’m all for this. And, being driven by the unwavering pursuit of scientific excellence, my next step was naturally to conduct my own thorough research into this phenomena. And because no scientific finding can be verified without a thorough peer review, I present my findings to you. If science was always like this in high school, I would have become a nuclear physicist.

Leighton MeesterThis is a full-on traditional men’s suit. I approve.

Olivia WildeThis is a full-on traditional 80s suit. I disapprove.

Winona RyderThis looks like she stole it from Marilyn Manson’s closet. But, it’s Noni and she does an amazing job with her small but crucial part in “Black Swan.” So, um, forgiven.

Jane LynchThis looks like she stole it from the set of “Night at the Roxbury.” But, it’s Jane fucking Lynch. So, forgiven forever.

Julianne MooreFifty is the new OMFGHOWHOTISTHAT?

Christina HendricksThat thump you just heard was the sound of lesbians everywhere hitting the floor after passing out.

Diane KeatonLadies look good in white suits, too. Usually, better than men.

Janelle MonaeSometimes a lot better than men.

Tilda SwintonSometimes there is no gender, only Tilda Swinton.

Ellen DeGeneresHell, Ellen doesn’t even need a suit jacket. She already has the most beautiful life-size boutonniere you could ever want.

I think all these lovely ladies may have blinded me a little with their science. While I try to regain sight, tell me which of these specimens you find the finest. Science, it’s irrefutable.

My Weekend Crush

The best adjective I can think of to describe Julianne Moore is womanly. Now, I don’t mean this in any sort of outmoded domestic or pejoratively girlie way. I mean it in the way that her face, with its elegant concaves and sweeping curves, reminds me of everything that I love about women. That hair, those freckles – I could stare at them forever. Still, the most astounding thing about Ms. Moore is that she seems to be growing more beautiful with age. In fact, today is her 50th birthday and I have to say she has never looked more lovely. Her features seem to be both focusing and mellowing at the same time. It’s delicious.

Also delicious is Julianne’s obvious openness to playing gay. She has been not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times a lesbian lady for the big screen in “The Hours,” “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee,” “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right.” Throughout her career she has been drawn more to the complicated, messy character studies than neat, mainstream popcorn pulp. The results aren’t always perfect, but they are usually pretty interesting. And even if they’re not, well, we always have that glorious face to make everything seem better than all right. Happy weekend, all.