Alpha Bette City

So last week I sang the praises of that lesbothrob Shane. Shane, Shane, Shane. And, well, it got me a little nostalgic. And what is got me nostalgic for was that glorious creature Bette Porter. Oh, what a specimen. What a magnificent mix of alpha behavior and bossy tendencies. So, so, bossy. What a complicated mess of loyalty and desire, power and weakness, strength and tenderness. And when she wore those power suits, sweet merciful Zeus, how the knees automatically buckled. But it was her flaws that made her so very interesting. Power on its own is rather bland, boring even. But power with problems and all those glorious messy things that make us human? Well, that’s the wonders of Bette Porter. Also, damn, the lady was hot as fuck.

Looking very, oh, you know

You know who I miss? I miss Shane. I know, I know. This is not an original thought. Almost every gay lady has at some point in her life thought, “Jesus, I need a Shane.” But my desire for someone who looks very Shane today has less to do with the physical attributes and mad skills (though, don’t get me wrong – come to mama, honey), but the concept of Shane. The lothario isn’t a role women get to play on screen often. Sure, we get slut shamed. We get branded with the big scarlet letter. But the loveable lothario is something different, something reserved for men and the boys-will-be-boys mindset which deems conquests as laudable achievements. We remain mired in the societal gender constructs which make girl sexuality bad and boy sexuality good. But a character like Shane makes things more interesting, turning those stereotypes on their head and celebrating what once was scorned. Someone who is unapologetic about desire? I like it, I like it a lot. Since then she has been often imitated, seldom replicated. Also, you know, fucking-A Shane was hot. Yeah, sometimes it is what it is.

Fuck that noise

So the internet went major kerplewie at Casa Snarker last night. And being too tired to deal with it I just said, “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Which, if you think about it, is a good way to handle a multitude of life’s trials and tribulations, large and small. Work got you down? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Family driving you crazy? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” ISP trying to ruin your life by telling you repair people won’t be available to service your neighborhood for another six to eight hours? “FUCK THAT NOISE. I’M GOING TO BED.” And you wake up, and voila, the Internet works and you’re well rested. It may be my new life motto. I’m definitely putting it on a T-shirt. Though, admittedly, it doesn’t work in every single situation. And for those crises that require a more proactive approach, I always turn to the singularly wise words of one Bette Porter. Well, curse words that is. Happy fucking Wednesday.

Everybody dance now

I like to dance, but only under certain circumstances. Most of those circumstances involve adult beverages. Many, many adult beverages. I’m not particularly good, but I hope my enthusiasm makes up for my utter lack of coordination or grace. But what I do like is to watch other people dance. It’s all of the sexy and none of the sweaty. Not that sweaty is necessarily bad. Hot. Sweaty. Sticky. Wait, where was I going with this? Right, dancing. As much as I love super sexy dancing (and, I do – see previous sweatiness tangent) I really love dorky dancing. You know, the spontaneous, out-of-context, exuberant kind that isn’t about being in da club (God, I hate the phrase “in da club”) or on a chorus line. It’s just about your body releasing. It’s about joy. Dancing, when done right, is an expression of joy. Our days can sometimes seem an endless series of mundane tasks and rote responsibilities. But, once in a while, we break free and let our limbs follow their own song.

Dorky dancers of the world, I salute you. Now, let’s get down with our bad selves.

Cast, Grey’s Anatomy

This makes me wish I watched this show more. And was friends with Cristina Yang.

Angela Chase, My So-Called Life

Angela’s “Blister in the Sun” dance is exactly how it feels to finally be over a breakup. Exactly.

Dana Fairbanks, The L Word

Dana Fairbanks will forever and always be the queen of dorky dancers. All hail the queen.

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

But, you’ve got to admit, Liz Lemon is at the very least a princess of dorky dancing.

Angie Harmon, Rizzoli & Isles

There is no better job in Hollywood than behind-the-scenes backup dancer to Angie Harmon. None.

Kat Graham & Candice Accola, The Vampire Diaries

Truth be told, this sort of workout is my total nightmare. I’m the person always jumping left when everyone else is jumping right. But I’m not above observing a class. Ahem.

Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

This isn’t dorky. Just hot. Smoking hot.

So, any favorite dorky dancing TV moments to share? Don’t be shy. Nobody’s watching.

Just ship it

I’m not a superfan. No, wait. Lies. I’m a superfan of you-know-who. (Hint: Glasses. Bonus hint: It’s Tina Fey.) But I’m not a superfan in the sense of internet superfan fandom. Certainly, I am a fan of a lot of shows and a lot of characters and a lot of relationships (both real and imaginary). But I don’t have entire tumblrs dedicated exclusively to them or read/write femslash feverishly about them or join message boards to gab with strangers over them. I’m not disparaging such activities in the least – far from it. I find that level of devotion and inspiration amazing and one of the best things about the internet. It allows us to create and cultivate the communities we care about the most. It’s just that I come from a time when being a young fan meant begging your mom to buy the latest copy of Tiger Beat and then taping a poster of Michael J. Fox to your bedroom door while secretly starring at pictures of Jennifer Connelly from “Labyrinth” and wanting desperately to stroke her pretty, pretty hair.

So I am impressed and awed (and only occasionally frightened) by the fervor of online fandoms, particularly lesbian fandoms. When we invest, sweet Jesus and Mary, do we ever invest. So in the interest of sharing, I want to know yours. What’s your fandom? Now, I realize, you probably enjoy multiple fandoms simultaneously. This is the 21st Century and we’re all consenting adults – at least in our imaginations. But what is your No. 1, most-adored, most-obsessed about, most-likely-to-watch-YouTube-fanvids-until-3am lesbian fandom? Which lady ship – either canon or subtext – makes your heart race the fastest?

To get the conversation started, here are just a very few of the biggies – both past and present.

Tibette, “The L Word”The lesbian power couple, period.

Naomily, “Skins”I loved them from the first time I saw them; I think I was 12.
(Not really, but metaphorically.)

Calzona, “Grey’s Anatomy”Good women in a storm.

Rizzles, “Rizzoli & Isles”Where subtext meets chemistry and has a big, fat, gay baby.

Brittana, “Glee”BFFs forever, with benefits.

Xena/Gabrielle, “Xena Warrior Princess”They don’t even need a dumb portmanteau.

So, share. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. (Wait, is there a Princess Bride fandom?)

p.s. Dammit, I just realized this whole thing is a lie. I am a recovering Willow/Tara shipper with the Kitten Board T-shirt to prove it.

Getting Lippy

Hey, who wants to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? No one? Really? Fine. I’ll just go eat this crumpet in the corner with a spot of tea then. Weather’s been nice for this time of year. Turned a touch cold last night. Wait, what’s that? You do want to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? Well why didn’t you say so. I’ve been dying to discuss “The L Word with Better Accents” “Lip Service.” Let me just finish this tea first.

SPOILER ALERT: Talking about the show means talking about spoilers for the pilot episode. Also I’m also going to talk about some spoilers for the pilot episode of “The L Word” – you know, for all three of you who have never seen it.

First of all, stop comparing it to that other lesbian show. “Lip Service” is nothing like “The L Word.” “Lip Service” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Frankie. “The L Word” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Shane. Frankie takes pictures. Shane cuts hair. Different, not the same. Oh, shit. Didn’t Shane start taking pictures in, like, season six or something? Damn.

“Lip Service” is set in Glasgow, “The L Word” was set in Vancouver Los Angeles. LS starts out with three main gay ladies, TLW started out with six main gay ladies. LS began with a death, TLW ended with a death. LS took 1 minute and 25 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene, TLW took 10 minutes and 35 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene. LS has hot Scottish accents, TLW had hot Jennifer Beals arms.

All joking aside, the shows have very different tones (LS is a little more raw, TLW was a lot more glossy) and very different obvious initial story arcs (LS is about lost love, TLW was about self awakening). I would still advise all “Lip Service” actresses steer clear of any swimming pools, just in case.

The bigger question remains: How was it? It was good. I wouldn’t say I fell in love instantly, but I most definitely want a second date. And I can’t wait to get it naked. You know the biggest problem with “Lip Service” so far? No one is especially likable yet. Tess whines (though her robot love was adorkable), Cat furrows her brow while showing varying levels of concern and Frankie looks very Shane today. Granted, we are only one episode in. But one episode into “The L Word” I already loved Alice, adored Dana and wanted to be bossed around like a bad puppy by Bette.

I believe the rest of my feelings about “Lip Service” can be best expressed in screencaps. It was between that or interpretive dance. I think, for everyone’s sake, I made the right decision.

Meet Frankie
First Lesbian Sex
Why It’s Better to be British
Meet Tess
Meet Cat
Meet Her One Facial Expression
Yes, Really
But How Was It?
Bonus: Ship it.

God bless the BBC.

Kiss and make it better

I had a hell of a weekend. And, to be honest, I’m still recuperating a bit. But there’s one thing that always makes me feel better: Watching girls kissing. So instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour, like I had planned, to try and wake up refreshed and ready for the work week I spent hours engaged in perhaps the biggest time suck known to the universe: Searching for clips of girls kissing on YouTube. And because I’m not greedy, I’m passing my finds on to you. A few of the best TV kisses, just to brighten your Monday.

Callie & Arizona, Grey’s Anatomy

And the trend of lesbian bathroom kisses continues.

Dana & Lara, The L Word

Kisses against lockers…

Naomi & Emily, Skins

…are fucking hot.

Thelma & Cassie, Hex

So, fine, this was just a dream. A very, very good dream.

Alex & Jessica, Mistresses

I know this post is about kisses, but the hottest thing in this clip is the way Anna Torv unbuttons her shirt. There is something tremendously sexy about how she uses her hands, ahem.

p.s. Is it just me, or have the English just had better lesbian kisses on TV? Must be the accents.

That’s what friends are for

The one positive thing I can say that “The Real L Word” has done is make me miss “The L Word.” OK, not all of “The L Word” – definitely not the Death of Dana and the No Lifeguard on Duty parts. But the fun days. You know, back when they were all friends. And did silly things. And talked to one another like friends who did silly things. Like this.

Oh, Angela Robinson, please come make a lesbian TV series that has nothing to do with pumps or pants or clams or IFC. At its best, “The L Word” was about a group of friends who actually did all those things in that horrendous theme song that made our ears bleed. It was pure fiction, but could actually feel real. And sometimes, just sometimes, we even saw ourselves.

So in honor of the crazy Pride Weekend I just had (i.e. stringing coherent words together at this moment = hard), here are a few of my favorite friend moments from a show that spawned that other show that only makes me long for that first show even more.

Come back, Alice. Say funny things like “poopy-shit” and “uh-uh” and make us all want to be your best friend again.