Pushing Wonder

Sometimes, when scanning the channels, I am quickly reminded that there is no Brian Fuller show on television right now. And this makes me sad. Because Brian Fuller shows like “Pushing Daisies” and “Wonderfalls” had a whimsy to them that is nearly impossible to replicate. It wasn’t that they were silly, though some silly things did happen. It was that they made the absurd and fantastical into something amazing and fabulous. That’s not easy to do. I mean one show was about a gal who spoke to inanimate objects and another was about a guy who could touch the dead and bring them back to life. This is weird, but works. Another thing I miss about Brian Fuller shows is how well they are cast. Caroline Dhavernas. Tracie Thoms. Anna Friel. Kristin Chenoweth. Come on, these are some fantastic ladies. Also, “Wonderfalls” had a lesbian sister. We love a lesbian sister. So now, because I can and because we can’t watch any of his shows live right now, here’s a little reminder of what we’re missing without a Brian Fuller show on our televisions.

Wonderfalls

That lesbian sister plays prominently in this one. And, yes, the thumb-licking lady is Kari Matchett from “Covert Affairs” with brown hair. Saved you a whole day’s wondering.

Pushing Daisies

I stand by my contention that every show on TV can be made better by having Cheno sing on it. This is just a fact.

Brian Fuller’s next TV foray is a remake of “The Munsters.” Yeah, I know it sounds crazy. But so did all of his other shows. So I’ll be there. He gave us a talking smoosed-faced lion. How could I not?

The sin of sloth

I have never watched “Veronica Mars.” I know, I know. Stop yelling at me. I mean it. Stop. Hey, hey – the fetid fruit is totally uncalled for. Many, many people have already told me, commanded me, implored me to watch, and I just simply have not found the time. This, however, does not mean I have not taken the time to admire and appreciate Kristen Bell. Quite on the contrary, I find her quite nice. But, yesterday, that quire nice got stepped up to epically adorable. Because this is Kristen Bell unable to contain her joy at the fact that a sloth would be at her birthday party. If another event remotely that ridiculously cute, bordering on flat-out insane happens on “Veronica Mars,” I need to run out and but the box set immediately.

Fight through it

Hey, remember when I interviewed Zoie Palmer and she was lovely and charming and gracious and everything you’d ever hoped for? Me too! But, as I touched on ever so briefly in the interview, she’s also a bunch of other things. Funny, that’s one of them. But we all knew that already. But also badass. Yes, badass. Sure, on “Lost Girl” her skills are mostly confined to looking great in a lab coat and occasionally poking someone with a needle. But when she guested on “Nikita,” she got to show us some of her other skills. I know it’s probably wrong on every level, but watching Zoie and Maggie Q beat the shit out of each other is all kinds of hot. Hello, Monday. Now isn’t that a nice kick in the ass? Well, actually, the head.

p.s Reminder, I’m all “Lost Girl” all the time right now at AfterEllen. Season 2 SnapCaps run Tuesdays and Season 1 Rewind SnapCaps run Wednesdays. Check them out and play along, if you feel so inclined.

Castles made of hot

Dear Universe,

I realize sometimes I curse you unnecessarily. I shake my fist at your random nature. I bemoan your tendency toward chaos. I rant at your injustice and cruelty, haphazardness and loneliness. Hell, sometimes I just bitch because you’ve made it rain. But today, today I thank you from the bottom of my wee little heart for creating a confluence of such colossal comeliness that it must, in fact, be a gift. Because what else can you call when Stana Katic and Jennifer Beals are together – in one place, in one moment, in one frame – but a cosmic present of the highest order. Yet there they are, so close a few more inches and their lips would be touching. And together they will be, indeed, on Feb. 13 when they will appear on our televisions on “Castle.” When so much gorgeous happens at once, we must step back and lay grateful offerings at the feet of a mountain or base of a river. Only then will you, dear universe, know how truly awed we are by your beneficence.

I remain your ever-humble servant,
Ms. Snarker


p.s. I believe Nathan Fillion speaks for all gay ladies when he says:

Love Lobos

Heavens, I seem to have angered a whole lesbian fandom inadvertently. And one that I like a lot, at that. So yesterday, when I tweeted my surprise at Isabel & Cristina of the Spanish series “Tierra de lobos” leading the AfterEllen.com Cutest TV Couple of 2011 over Brittany & Santana of “Glee,” I did so with honest surprise. But there was no judgment, other than to say, you know, wow. And, yes, I voted for Brittana because they are one of my original ships. I really wasn’t much of a shipper before they came along, to be honest. I mean, maybe Mulder & Scully and Willow & Tara and the requisite Tina & Bette (and sundry other “The L Word” ships to a lesser degree). But otherwise, I was still a fairly passive TV watcher devoid of very strong shipper feelings. And then, bam, cheerleaders who scissor came along. So, you know, you always respect the first who made you start acting like a crazy person and entering the fandom in a big way.

So, hence, I expressed what I thought was playful surprise at the poll results so far. Thing is, “Tierra de Lobos” is a European show shot in Spanish and AE is (while it reaches a vast international audience) a U.S.-based site written in English. Anyway, that’s a long way of saying that my surprise does not mean I don’t have respect for the Isabel & Cristina (or Crisabel, ‘cause we’re all shippers here) storyline and fans. Quite the contrary. And when I tweeted, “Way to represent, Spain.” I meant, seriously, way to represent. It’s no small feat for a relatively small international show to overtake a crazy publicity snowball like “Glee.”

Again, no offense to the lovely Crisabel fans out there. Now that I’m neck-deep in shipper waters, I have to say I really root for all lesbian fandoms – actual and subtextual. And I don’t entirely understand the mentality of fandoms fighting against each other. I want all the ships to do well because more lesbian representation on TV, in all its forms, is a good thing. I also think finding subtext is just good fun, a way to help gay up the world just to our liking. And while I have my personal favorites, that certainly does not negate your favorites. Nor do I want to denigrate one fandom to pump up another. I mean, I don’t even really talk smack about Dyson from “Lost Girl.” Though I will talk smack about Finn Hudson. Oh, yes, I certainly will.

As for Crisabel, I flipped for them the moment Isabel looked through that doorway and couldn’t take her eyes off Cristina bathing as light streamed gently in over her body. (p.s. How beautifully lit is that show? So beautifully lit.) And I swooned when they finally kissed, like for real and not a make-believe neck nuzzle. And now that I’m all caught up through the betrayal, hurt, discovery, convents, S&M nuns, rescues and reunions, I have to say it is one hell of a ship. And the actresses who play Isabel & Cristina (Adriana Torrebejano and Berta Hernández, respectively) could not be more gorgeous and gorgeous together. Also, God bless that show for always finding a convenient way to get all of its gorgeous ladies to strip down to their petticoats – for the plot, of course.

If you want to catch up, here are the first few key Crisabel encounters, and then you can follow along from episode 2X07 up through 2X12 yourself here with English subtitles. (p.s. There be actual boobies ahead. And ladies kissing. Yay!)

So, no, they were not my vote for Cutest TV Couple this time. But, man, are they every something. And, because no proper fandom discussion would be complete without a proper fanvid, enjoy.

Te quiero, Crisabel fans. Te quiero. Las quiero, Crisabel fans. Las quiero. (Clearly, I do not speak Spanish and the language barrier is half the battle.)

It's time

This video has been making the rounds this week, getting passed from friend to friend and site to site. It’s lovely, just lovely and I won’t ruin anything for you if you haven’t seen it yet. And even if you have seen it, watch it again with me. I’ve watched it a good half dozen times and each time get that lump anew. But it’s a good lump, such a good lump.

You know, every time I write passionately about pop culture, someone will inevitably tell me to lighten up. It’s fiction, idiot. It’s make believe, dumbass. It’s not real, loser. Get a life! This is always terribly edifying. I’m so glad someone finally let me know. This is truly life-altering news. Next thing you’ll be telling me you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Crazy.

Aside from wondering why these people are on a pop culture site in the first place since they’re clearly so busy doing important things with their lives like collecting unicorn tears to cure global drought, I always want to ask if they think art – even popular art – happens in a vacuum. Sure, we use it to entertain. But we also use it to illuminate, to educate, to elucidate, to fascinate. At its best it’s not just a mirror to reflect our current reality, but a powerful looking glass which we can travel through to imagine a world exactly how we want it.

And popular art, pop culture, matters exactly because of its popularity. It’s our mass opiate, but with more than just the ability to get us high. It came make us think. It can help change who we are. So, then, if a show about a bunch of high school students who sing and dance can help someone, somewhere out there understand the world just a tiny bit better, why not embrace that? And if a show that can help people misses an opportunity to do so, why not call it out and demand it improve? Is it a cure for cancer? No. But it’s something that has the potential to impact masses.

And in a world when we still aren’t as free, as equal, as accepted, as embraced as everyone else, every little bit of positive representation counts. If even a dumb old commercial can make you cry, it matters. It all matters. So here’s to art, in all its forms, the high brow and the low brow. The popular and obscure. The message filled and even mindless. May we never stop demanding it be better. May we always look to it to show us who we are, and who we’d like to be.

Body of a Greek goddess

Yes, I’ve been talking about Jaime Murray a lot lately. No, I will not apologize. I mean, have you seen her? You have eyes, right? Have you seen her in a bikini? In fact, my Jaime Murray obsession of late has yielded some unexpected fruits. And, yes, I mean fruits in the totally gay way. So allow me to please take you back in the my way-back machine (you say potato, I say Tardis) to a little year known as 2008. Yes, kids, think back to when we all were still starry eyed about that Hope-y Change-y thing and a show called “Valentine” appeared on our TVs. Now, you probably do not remember this show. I do not remember this show. That’s because it aired for only aired four episodes on the CW before being canceled (the last four episodes were burned off the next summer).

But those who do remember it, or those who are similarly obsessed stalkers diligent researchers like me may have found a few of the episodes online. And this is where we all have to thank Al gore again because what I found was this entirely delightful, totally gay episode of “Valentine.” First, let me set the premise for you. “Valentine” is about a group of immortal Greek gods living in modern day and acting as matchmakers for unsuspecting folks. Jaime plays the matriarch of the family, Aphrodite. One look at Jaime in her bikini and you will know where the saying, “Body of a Greek god” comes from.

The Valentine clan also enlisted a mortal human writer to help them in their matchmaking. Among their cases is an adorable little lesbian couple who dated in college. Oh, first girlfriends, how we never really escape you. If you have 20 minutes to spare, this is really too cute to pass up. Also, you get to hear Jaime say, “I’ve always had a soft spot for lesbians.” Yeah, you’re clicking play right now, aren’t you?

See? So cute. Also, the first time Aphrodite and their human sidekick meet, this happens. (Come on, I know you have a minute and 39 seconds to spare.)

I think Jaime’s Aphrodite and Anna Silk’s Bo need to get together and make the whole universe feel alright. Or, at very least, us ladies.

Liz + Leslie = Happiness

Do you know who I haven’t talked about in ages. I mean, really, AGES? My Fake TV Wife Tina Fey. As much as I’ve been enjoying the new fall TV season and some of its very promising additions, I can’t help but feel a little empty, Tina-shaped place in my heart. With “30 Rock” being delayed until mid-season, I’ve missed my weekly dose of Liz Lemon more than you can imagine. It’s not that I don’t love (love, love) the unbridled optimism and adorable competence of Leslie Knope each week. I’d be totally lost without at least a little Knope in my life. But I need the yang to that yin. I need me some Lemon. The sharply sour to all that smartly sweet. And now, as I mentioned earlier this week, the TV gods has seen it within their generous hearts to make my wildest dreams come true by programming “30 Rock” and “Parks & Recreation” back-to-back at 8 and 8:30 starting Jan. 12 on NBC. I’m already creating a “Do Not Disturb, I’m Lemon-Knoping” sign to hang on my virtual doorknob. Having Tina Fey and Amy Poehler properly together on the TV lineup means all is right with the universe again. It means two terrific comedies with two equally terrific examples of strong females who know how to bring the funny will be filling our lives for a solid hour each week. And with that, how about we get a little taste of what makes Liz and Leslie such perfect compliments to each other. Finally, my Thursday nights will be perfect again.

On Female Stereotypes

Liz on her period.


Leslie on every other stereotype.


On Food

Liz loves her Night Cheese.


Leslie loves her breakfast food.



On Bad Accents

Liz goes Jamaican.


Leslie goes cockney.


On Valentine’s Day

Liz likes oral.


Leslie likes gals.


On The Gay

Liz knows lesbians.


Leslie knows gays.

See, perfect. Hurry back to Amy, Tina. We’ve all missed you two together.

The Swan Queen

I have a new Sunday night obsession. Oh, don’t worry. My heart and pants (hot or otherwise) still belong to “Lost Girl” on Sundays. But, not being Canadian, I often end up watching closer to wee early hours of Monday. (p.s. Dude, that show takes for-freaking-ever to post.) But no, my Sunday night proper obsession is now “Once Upon a Time.” I was having a brief fling with “Pan Am.” But my interest in that show started to swan dive as soon as Dean got more screentime and the women were put on separate storylines instead of together for adventures. I canceled my DVR ticket, so to speak. But a show I’m excited to book my flight for (yes, I m totally overdoing the airplane analogies) and then some is its earlier evening network neighbor “Once Upon a Time.”

A feew episodes in and I’m pretty much hooked. And what I see is a mix of refreshingly reimagined fairytales led by strong female characters. This all makes sense if you know one of my favorite “Buffy” scribes Jane Espenson is a writer-producer on the show. It’s pretty much right up my wheelhouse what with the supernatural fantasy, powerful ladies and sly humor. That one happens to wear tank tops a lot and wield power tools is just an added bonus.

It also is the source of my latest, naughtiest ship. Yes, I totally ship Emma Swan and The Evil Queen (otherwise known as mean mayor Regina Mills). Part of it is the fantastic face-offs we’ve been treated to so far by Jennifer Morrison’s Emma and Lana Parrilla’s Regina. There’s a wicked, wicked chemistry there are the two women play their rivalry with palpable heat. In fact, I think they give each other the best hate eye sex I’ve ever seen.

It also helps that they’re already wearing each other’s clothes, as per last week’s “Enjoy my shirt, because that’s all you’re getting.” The little eyebrow arch from Emma is the thing that launches a 1,000 ships.

And then there’s the time Emma answered her hotel room door for Regina – in nothing but a tank top and underwear.

Oh, God, and the chainsaw! Sweet fancy fairytales, the chainsaw.

The lip quivering! With rage! My God, the hate sex between those two could burn down the world. Also, we have the perfect portmanteau for the pairing already: The Swan Queen. (HT, @mynlugon!)

I actually hope the show makes Regina somewhat more sympathetic, as she was in the first episode, so she’s less cartoony evil and more complexly troubled. Layers make everyone more interesting. Also they’re often flattering, you know, with winter coming up and all. Speaking of clothing, I sure hope they never increase the costume budget so Jennifer has to keep running around in tank tops and leather jackets. Because, woo doggie, do they suit her. This wardrobe is a vast improvement from all the lab coats and button ups on “House.” Man, did I miss her gorgeous, gorgeous face and perfect, perfect eyebrows on my TV every week. Plus now, she’s the cranky badass hero instead.

All this and we haven’t even discussed her mom Mary Margaret/Snow White. The lovely Ginnifer Goodwin and her pixie cut are custom-made for a fairytale. Also, I’m holding out a delusional amount of hope that Ruby/Little Red Riding Hood will turn out to like the ladies. Come on, the Manic Panic in her hair is a dead giveaway.

In summation, I hope to happily ever after for a good long time with this show. And I hope The Swan Queen keeps rage eye shagging each other into the sunset.

Solo sexy

Where does this insane notion that Hope Solo is not sexy come from? I mean it, how has this happened? What bizarro universe have we stepped into when a strong, accomplished, hard-working woman at the top of her profession is constantly, cruelly being told she just isn’t the right kind of feminine. And the key here is “the right kind” of feminine. Which, as we all know, is totally fucking bullshit. Women are beautiful, period. This is just a fact. And what makes them so beautiful isn’t their uniformity but their differences.

When it comes to Hope, what makes her beautiful (besides her ridiculously good-looking face and body that should be sculpted in marble) is her power. Yet week after week these fucknuts on “Dancing with the Stars” keep forcing her to be something else. I mean, I know “Mad Men” and retro shows are having a moment, but let’s not take the trend too far and transfer those rigid gender norms on this century. I can’t believe I have to repeat this, but apparently I do. Hey, universe, there is more than one way to be “sexy.” There is more than one way to be “feminine.” Instead of squeezing everyone into the same box, why not appreciate the magnificent variety of boxes available in the world.

Also, if you didn’t think Hope getting lessons from those females dancers was just zomgsexy then you need some sort of eye transplant because yours are clearly not working. Also abs, abs forever.

The more I think about it, the more furious I become. It’s not that I have anything against constructive criticism of her dancing. Better footwork, more fluidity and the like – things that actually make you a better dancer. But I am incensed by this seeming attack of who she is. They seem to be saying that this strong woman can’t be sexy, can’t be feminine, is inherently manlike. This idea, again, that there is one way to be sexy and that’s the “Dancing with the Stars” way. So they’re just going to keep insulting her until she conforms. And that, that’s exactly the wrong way to make someone sexy. Shaming someone into sexiness? Yeah, that totally works. You know what works? Building up someone’s confidence. Playing to someone’s strength. Also, not being a fucknut.

And what’s even more infuriating about this whole unfortunate episode is Hope is the so-called “sexy” one on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She’s the one on the cover of ESPN’s The Body Issue and the one with the big endorsement deals. Are there other superstars on that team? Of course. Damn hot ones, too. Abby Wambach, Megan Rapinoe and many others. But Hope is the most stereotypically sexy of the bunch, and even she’s not sexy enough for these fucknuts on DWTS.

There’s a reason I don’t watch most reality TV, and this is it.

p.s. While my distaste for reality TV is very real (except for tasty, tasty cooking shows), I will give DWTS at least some credit this season for Chaz Bono. Lovable, huggable Chaz. The only reasons I tuned in (admittedly intermittently) to DWTS at all were 1) Hope and 2) Chaz. And I cheered both on, unabashedly. But my cheering for Chaz was purposeful, a middle finger to the hordes of hate. And, even though he left last night, I think he did a great service to folks watching at home who have never met anyone who fits the T in GLBT. Good job, man, very good job.

Death become her, unfortunately

TV shows need to stop killing Jaime Murray. I mean it. Cut that shit out. Immediately. And, no, I’m still not over the Warehouse 13 finale yet. But, seriously, this is more than a trend. This is an epidemic. It’s gotten so when I see her on screen my emotions go to DEFCON 1. Impending death ahead. Take cover, take cover. This will all end in tears.

Think I’m kidding? Let’s review. (p.s. If you haven’t watched “Dexter,” “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” or “Warehouse 13,” there be major spoilers ahead…)

DexterShe plays NA sponsor/pyromaniac Lila, who meets a grisly end.

SpartacusShe plays Lucretia’s friend and sometimes lover Gaia, who meets a grisly end.

Warehouse 13She plays former Warehouse 12 agent, would-be world ender and Myka eye sex partner H.G. Wells, who meets what appears to be a grisly (or at the very least explosive) end.

And those are just he shows she had recurring roles on. She even dies when she guest stars. “Eli Stone” – she dies. “The Mentalist” – she dies. “Agatha Christie’s Poirot” – she dies. Are we getting the picture?

SERIOUSLY, TV, CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Jaime is currently on “Ringer” and I’m just counting the days until her character ends up dead. Well, actually I’m just counting the days until she shows up again (maybe tonight – pretty, pretty please). Still when she does will Sarah Michelle Gellar have to kill her to save her Bridget/Siobhan secret? Will Jaime construct a protective force field to save Bridget/Siobhan so the lies they’ve spun don’t blow up in their face, but in the process gets blown up herself leaving fangirls everywhere crying onto the Tumblr dashboards. Am I projecting wildly? Possibly. But if past is precedent I wouldn’t get too attached.

Oh, Jaime. If only your ability to bring The Gay to my television wasn’t followed shortly by your ability to bring The Grim Reaper.

Castle Katic

Do you know who I’ve recently discovered? Stana Katic. I know I put her on my “Unsnubbed” list earlier this year. But truth be told I just never watched “Castle.” This makes no sense because I love crime procedurals and I love Captain Tightpants. But I think the concept always bugged me a bit. A mystery writer who works for the police? I’m a writer and even I am like, um, hey now what now? (Also, don’t get me started on the concept for “The Mentalist.”)

But last week as I was finishing up my mandatory Team Hope and Team Chaz DVR fast forwarding of DWTS, I left the channel on and caught the beginning of “Castle.” Or, let’s say, I tried to catch the beginning of “Castle.” Mostly I just stared open-mouthed at the screen and thought, JESUS STANA KATIC IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. I have no idea what the plot of the show was. I have no idea whether I liked the show or not. I have no idea about anything other than razor cheekbones and flowing hair and leather jackets.

Now I understand after doing some research (it’s for science, people, for science), that Stana wasn’t always allowed to shine quite as much. She had more of a regulation lady cop haircut and sense of style. I mean compare her early publicity photos to her current publicity photos for the show. It’s like the showrunners finally gave up and said, “Fuck it, our star is ridiculously beautiful. Go with it.”

And last week, well – low whistle. Of course, it does stretch the realm of credulity a bit to have this spectacular specimen of the female form walking around with perfectly wind-blown hair and glamour make-up pretending to catch bad guys. But you have to go with your strength. And here, with all due respect to Nathan Fillion and his extreme degree of hunkiness and likeability, your strength is Stana Katic. Seriously, guys, I would happily watch this show on mute. In fact, I just might tonight.

A week without gay

All my gay or should-be-gay shows are on break or on mini-hiatus this week. It’s very distressing. “Warehouse 13,” “Lost Girl,” “Rizzoli & Isles,” “Pretty Little Liars,” “Glee.” Where has the gay gone? Instead I’ve been forced to sit through a long, dry week without their gay charms. Thank heavens for the budding subtext on “2 Broke Girls” or I’d be totally awash in heterosexuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are heterosexual. But I wish they wouldn’t, you know, flaunt it on the TV and everything. I mean, they can be whoever they want in private, I don’t know why they have to be so out there. Sheesh. Though, in times like these, I turn to the light for salvation. And by “light,” I of course mean fanvids on YouTube. They are like a lighthouse guiding all our missing ships back to safety.

Bless you, fangirls. Bless you and your Final Cut Pro very much for getting me through these terribly dull waters.

Warehouse 13

Even Hitler isn’t over the finale yet, people. Hitler.

Lost Girl

I swear to faeking God, if Bo and Lauren don’t at least kiss next episode I am going to explode from the sexual tension and then send the “Lost Girl” writers the clean-up bill.

Rizzoli & Isles

Nov. 28 still feels a million years away. Someone please kiss my nose with a giant stuffed teddy bear and make it all better.

Pretty Little Liars

I’ve decided I don’t ship Emily with Maya or Paige or Samara. I ship Emily with Hanna. Because those two, those two actually have chemistry together – onscreen and off.

Glee

It feels naughty to ship a threesome. The good kind of naughty.

In fandom we trust. You’re always there for us, always.

Serial swearer

Sweet Mary mother of fuck, I’m totally addicted to “Dexter.” Like I am a metric fuck-ton in love with that show. I know, I know – I’m terribly late. I just never thought I’d get sucked into a show with a serial killer as the hero. Still I gorged myself on its homicidal charms all weekend and have been catching up chronologically when I can all week. And why, might you ask, have I fallen so severed head over heels for this show? Deb fucking Morgan, that’s fucking why.

Seriously, where the fuck has she been all of my life? Why did nobody fucking tell me? Wait, you probably did fucking tell me and I just didn’t bother to fucking listen. Well fuck me twice on Sunday, I was a goddamned idiot. She is TV’s most deliciously foul-mouthed badass. And a totally hottie to boot. There’s just something about the combination of her trucker vocabulary combined with her intellect, instinct and a incredibly smoking physique that have me melt. I mean, fuck balls, those abs.

Come on, that’s like Lesbian Dreamboat Material 101. But, really, why isn’t Deb a lesbian? She’s not had super great luck with the fellas. Like, for instance, she has earned her “I dated a serial killer, ask me how” button. And her other mannerisms are tomboyish, to say the least. So, when will Deb figure it out? Of course, she may not be quite as good at mastering the obvious as we thought – I mean, her brother is Dexter. But, come fucking on, you know her entire closet must just be man boots and plaid fitted button-ups – the whole damn thing.

I will confess to cheating a little with this show. I got the screeners for the first three episodes of season 6 and, on whim over the weekend, popped them in. Now, I’m hooked and am going back to watch from the beginning (mid-way through Season 2 now - hello, Jaime Murray, hello very much). I know a few of the big spoilers through the seasons already (like Rita, poor Rita). But it is quite interesting to begin with where Deb is now and then go backwards to where she started. Now that’s an evolution. She’s always been good, but never quite so confident. And, shit, I think she has even surpassed the unsurpassable cursing goddess Better Porter in creative uses of the word fuck.

Fucking marry me, Deb Morgan. I could not be more fucking serious.

Prime of life

Maria Bello is kind of like lesbian catnip. You can go for days, months, possibly even years without thinking about her and then the minute she is in front of you again you go a completely mad with excitement. How is this woman so delicious? It’s not just that she is beautiful, which she is. She is so beautiful, and age has only had her face more interesting and expressive. But it’s that she seems so capable. Lesbians love a capable lady. That doesn’t mean she has to know how to change her own oil or level a doorframe. But she knows exactly who to call to do it, and will supervise carefully. Helpless is not something she can really play. And, man, is that sexy. It is grown-up sexy personified. Leave the damsels in their various states of distress to the white knights of the world. I’ll take a lady who knows what she’s doing instead any and every day.

I think that’s what makes her so good in “Prime Suspect.” Her Det. Jane Timoney is infinitely capable. That doesn’t mean she’s somehow supernaturally gifted – she just pays attention and works harder than anyone else in the room. It’s what makes real people good at their jobs. It’s why she seems so believable in hers. This isn’t to say that her good detective is perfect – that would be boring. She has her issues and isn’t the least bit worried about making nice. But I like that. Also I like the clothes they’re putting her in for the show. They’re not your standard-issue lady cop suits. They’ve got more flare without being overly butch or overly femme. Of course, I’m a sucker for a lady who knows how to lean. She leans great.

Also, when she needs to, fucking hell can Maria bring the sexy. Like I was saying, I love a lady who knows what she’s doing. And she can definitely, definitely leave her hat on.

You can read my Prime Suspect SnapCaps every Friday on AfterEllen. You are, of course, perfectly welcome to keep staring slack-jawed at these pictures until then. Hey, honey, you’re drooling.

How about them apples?

WARNING: Major “Warehouse 13” finale spoilers. If you haven’t watched yet, good gravy, hurry because it’s pretty fucking epic.

Right, so let’s get this out of the way immediately. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Jagged sobs. Unrepentant sniffles. Sad panda is sad. I mean, I knew they would probably kill HG – I knew it. This season was her really her redemption story. Try to destroy the world one year, then sacrifice yourself to save it the next. It’s such a tidy character resolution it almost comes gift wrapped with a bow. But then they actually did it. And it was both horrible and heroic. Perfect and perfectly awful. Having HG Wells and the fabulous Jaime Murray back, even if just for the finale, added so much snap and crackle to the show. It’s truly undeniable. And my God, the subtext, The Subtext. All those longing looks. All those stolen moments. All those accidentally getting tied up together in kinky bondage situations at the most inopportune times.

Look, I’m all for the grand romantic gestures. But in this case I would have happily taken a little less grand gesture and a little more romantic. I mean, you know I love subtext. I LOVE it. But the HG and Myka storyline has been maintext pretending to be subtext, but not quite brave enough to come out of the closet all season. Subtext is a nod and a wink and a wouldn’t it be funny/better if... Maintext is HG and Myka are totally in love yet even at the very end, weren’t strong enough to say it out loud. And that’s disappointing. Seriously, to get their lips this close together and not have them kiss? That’s just…mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought the finale was pretty amazing. But if that really is the last we see of HG (unless she gets her own prequel spin-off or Artie’s pocket watch can do a hell of a lot more than tell time), then I wish the writers had had the courage of their big gay convictions. Why not let HG mouth “I love you” to Myka instead? They sure danced around the subject. It was like a game of “How many ways can HG and Myka say ‘I love you’ without saying ‘I love you.’” Myka saying the price was too high to kill HG. HG saying Myka is the one person who knows her better than anyone else. HG sacrificing herself to save Myka. Trust me when she said “It was the only way I could think to save you,” she wasn’t talking about Pete and Artie. From now on, “I smell apples” is the new “I love you.” So there.

I know this show is gay friendly. It has gay writers. It has gay sensibility. It flashes gay rainbow flags on screen whenever possible (like on a GSA flyer on Emily Lake’s classroom bulletin board). Gay gay gayity gay gay. But then it goes and kills its only two self-defined gay characters in HG and Jinks? I know their sacrifices served the stories well but, come on – don’t go breaking my heart like that, “Warehouse 13.”

Dammit, Artie, that pocket watch better fix this. Because a world without HG isn’t exactly a world I’m thrilled to have just seen saved. Oh, HG, you can’t be gone because all Myka does when she sees you is smell apples.

p.s. I’d watch the hell out of “Wells & Bering” or “Bering & Wells.”
p.p.s. I would like to thank Jaime Murray and Joanne Kelly for softening the blow of last night’s finale by posing for this picture. A grateful universe thanks you. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’ve got to go pass out, forever.

2 Brokeback Girls

I like “2 Broke Girls,” more than I probably should. More than its lame horsecrap gag from last week. More than the sometimes stilted delivery by Kat Dennings. I like “2 Broke Girls” because it is about two “girls,” and has real potential to be a smart – edgy even – female buddy sitcom. Also, well, there’s the subtext. I mean, seriously, there are already shipper vids.

Last week I wondered out loud if “2 Broke Girls” could become the new “Rizzoli & Isles” over at AfterEllen. Don’t get me wrong, the chemistry is nowhere as crackly and sexy as between Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander. That’s just magic. But there is chemistry there, between Kat and Beth Behrs, and with a little polishing of the edges it could be something quite fun. Kind of like the show.

And there have already been a distinctly lesbianish moments. Kat’s waitress Max tells Beth’s Caroline when she asks her to open the back door, “We’ve known each other for 2 days and you’re already asking for back door?” And, then, there’s the requisite sleeping in the same bed scenes, complete with boob touching. Heck, Max even accidentally kisses another woman on the subway. If this subtext trend holds, I am totally going to start calling this show “2 Brokeback Girls.”

Granted, the “If I were gonna go lesbian, she’d be the last lez I’d be in” joke from last week was a groaner. And not the good kind of groaner. But there’s just something to be said about a show that centers itself entirely around the interactions of two women. Nothing against family comedies (I love you, “Modern Family,” I do). Nothing against ensemble comedies (you’re growing on me, “Happy Endings, you are). But a female buddy comedy is something different. Something that is guaranteed to pass the Bechdel Test week after week. And when compared to that other much-hyped female-fronted sitcom that debuted this, you can see why it makes all the difference.

“New Girl” is watchable because of Zooey Deschanel and only because of Zooey Deschanel. It’s about her adorable dorkiness (no, I will not use “adorkable,” I will not… dammit). She is the draw and she is hard to resist. But it is also told entirely from the male gaze. Look at this clueless cutie – let’s laugh at her while trying to make her more dateable to us menfolk. We see her through the lens of her three male roommates, not the other way around. I think that’s also why it’s such a hit – guys can watch a show with a female lead as long as the guys are really ruling the narrative. (No offense, guys, but you do like to rule things – like take, for instance, the world.) Whereas in “2 Broke Girls,” it’s told from a female perspective with occasional glimpses of how unwanted (i.e. the cook) the male gaze on them can be. That, for me, makes all the difference.

Look, I’m not saying this show is perfect. It isn’t. (Ugh, laugh track, ugh.) And tonight’s third new episode will go a long way to tell us whether this show will end up be truly having the charm or not. But I’m willing to make the investment right now because it’s funny enough while being all about the ladies. Also, sweet fancy Moses, is Kat’s waitress uniform tight or what? Hey, it can’t all be rocket science.

p.s. I am going to start SnapCapping the show for AfterEllen. We will see how it goes. Read them Tuesdays on AE.

TV, take me away

Right, so I’m watching a lot of TV this season. Fine, I watch a lot of TV every season. But this season I’m watching it with slightly more productive intentions. As I’ve already mentioned, I’m going to be writing SnapCaps (short, snappy recaps) on AfterEllen for “Lost Girl.” The second one went up yesterday. In addition, I’ll be SnapCapping “Ringer” (second one is up today) and “Prime Suspect” (it airs Thursdays, Snap Caps will post Fridays). That’s a lot of writing about TV. It’s tricky writing about new shows because, well, they’re new and as we’re trying to figure them out they’re trying to figure themselves out. So, to summarize, I’m a busy girl sitting on my couch, per usual.

Of course, this being the new TV season, I’m also trying out a lot of show I’m not writing about either. So far I’ve sampled three other new shows: “The Secret Circle” (“The Craft,” but with less goth accessories), “2 Broke Girls” (I laughed more than I expected to, in spite of myself) and “New Girl” (Let’s face it, Zooey Deschanel is the draw here, I could give a flip about her three male roommates). I am on the fence about “Up All Night,” because while I love the cast another show about parenting being crazy really is not on this gal’s big gay agenda. And the reviews of “Charlie’s Angels” are worse than the reviews of “Bionic Woman,” and we all know how well that show went. I’ve also decided against “The Playboy Club” (even with the real and the pretend gay bunnies) and “Pan Am” because even if you put it in a nice 60s suit and beautiful retro dress, sexism isn’t really my favorite thing to watch on TV. (p.s. On that note, I’m glad to hear the makers of “Prime Suspect” have decided to veers away from the blatant sexism in the pilot after this week.) There are a handful of other shows I’m considering adding to my dance card, but considering the returning shows I already watch, that’s a really freaking full dance card.

I guess all of this is a long and somewhat winded (though mostly because I’m out of shape from sitting on my couch and watching all this TV) way of saying I hope you’ll watch TV along with me this season and share your thoughts on all the shows I’ll both be SnapCapping and any other shows that catch your eye. But just because it’s a new season don’t think for a second I’ve forgotten about old friends. Yes, kittens, I miss Jane and Maura, too. But don’t worry. They’ll be back for five more in November. Until then, please enjoy Det. Rizzoli’s new (and very NSFW) ringtone for Dr. Isles.

EDIT: Every once in a while, actual comments get caught in the automatic Blogger spam filter. This usually happens with comments that contain dirty words or are really long. I hardly check the filter, because frankly I forget it is there. But, rest assured, I do not delete any comments (save for obvious spam or blatant hate speech). Also, this post is about scripted shows. Though I did watch DWTS and commented on it quite a bit on my Twitter feed. So follow me there for my thoughts on DWTS.

Dancing Solo

Confirmed: Hope Solo will be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Also confirmed: Many, many more lesbians are going to watch the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”



So the world’s most kick-ass goalie is going to be on the show with the shiny sequins and the crazy choreography. On the one hand, wow, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.” On the other hand, dammit, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.”



I do not watch, though I have caught a few performances over the years. What I’ve gleaned from those few minutes is that, um, isn’t Hope a little upscale for this show? Let’s be brutally honest, it’s usually people trying to revive their careers or people without real careers in the first place. I mean, Rob Kardashian and George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend are both on the show this season. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake and Carson Kressley and mean them no disrespect as fellow castmates. But then there’s the little problem of Nancy Grace also being a contestant. I’m not sure I can in good conscience watch any show that features that woman. She makes me want to kill someone and get away with it, just to watch her head explode. (Just kidding, I do not want to kill anyone. But I do want kind of want to watch Nancy’s head explode.)



Then there’s the injury factor. Aren’t contestants getting hurt left and right every season on this show? Hope, girl, the 2012 London Olympics are less than a year away. We do not want to have our star goalie sidelined by a tragic cha-cha accident.



Man, I am being so gay about this news. I’ve processed like 100 emotions in four paragraphs. But in the end, I think I’m mostly happy Hope will get the exposure and hopefully it’ll shine more much-deserved light onto our amazing U.S. Women’s National Team. As Hope herself tweeted, it’s to raise awareness of women’s soccer. And that’s a good thing. Also a good thing, this means I have a perfectly valid excuse to post more pictures of Hope Solo.



My, what big hands you have.

Admittedly, these legs are going to look killer in heels.

Normally I hate midriff-baring dresses. This is not normally.

If I was one of Hope’s DWTS competitors, I would seriously consider forfeiting after seeing this picture.

Arm…

…porn…

…forever.

I take everything I said back. This is the best news ever. Also, DWTS costumers, please note that Hope should only ever appear in sleeveless gowns. That’s an order. It would be a sin to cover even a single centimeter of these guns. A sin against hotness.