Remote control

Fire up your DVRs kids, it’s TV watching time. Fall shows start returning tonight and my little TV-loving heart couldn’t be more pleased. Per usual, there will be a major log jam on Thursday nights. When you have to resort to four different recording/viewing methods in a two-hour span, you have to think the TV gods are just fucking with you. There are other nights of the week, people. Spread the love. Speaking of love, the only thing more fun than watching TV is comparing notes with other TV watchers. So, let’s see it. I’ll show you my fall schedule if you show me yours.

Vampire Diaries, tonight, CWI might be the only person here who let out a little squeal when Nina Dobrev jumped out like a cat to join the big Emmy opening number. She is lovely as nice human girl Elena, but bring on the year of the Kat. I’m a sucker for badass vampire chicks. Sucker, see what I did there?

Nikita, tonight, CWMy, Maggie Q, what stretchy stretchy pants you have. Suddenly, Q is my favorite letter in the alphabet.

House, Sept. 20, FoxI stopped watching last season. And Olivia Wilde isn’t even going to be around for much of the beginning of this year. But I still included it because it totally looks like Thirteen is copping a feel of Cuddy’s ass.

Chuck, Sept. 20, NBCHow come I never get seated next to someone who looks like Yvonne StraHOTski?

Glee, Sept. 21, FoxJane Freaking Lynch. Enough said. OK, fine, also Brittana.
Now, really, enough said.

Criminal Minds, Sept. 22, CBSI can’t believe they’re getting rid of A.J. Cook. But her love of Paget Brewster will live on forever in femslash.

Modern Family, Sept. 22, ABCI don’t know if Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen ever got over their feud, but I also don’t care as long as they keep bringing the LOLs. And the Hot.

30 Rock, Sept. 23, NBCOh, Tina. Hold me.

CSI, Sept. 23, CBSThat little lesbian Justin Bieber is in the season premiere. But Starbuck is joining the team starting in November sweeps. Katee Sackhoff and Jorja Fox fan fiction, please. And if you’re feeling really naughty, Marg Helgenberger can come and play, too.

Bones, Sept. 23, FoxI hate Emily Deschanel’s new bangs. There, I said it.

Fringe, Sept 23, FoxLike House, I stopped watching Fringe last season. But Alternate Universe Olivia Dunham is pinging the hell out of my gaydar.
I mean, that belt.

Body of Proof, Sept. 24, ABCMy hopes aren’t super high for this show, but Dana Delany and Jeri Ryan are at least worth a look. Or two.

Yes, I realize Grey’s Anatomy is missing from this list. (*whispers*) I don’t watch. But I am happy to YouTube the Calzona bits later. And yes, Parks & Recreation is missing, too. But that’s because it doesn’t premiere until midseason. (*single tear*) OK, so, let’s see it. How will you be abusing your DVR – or VCR, if you like to kick it old school – this fall season?

Rizzles sizzles

[Poster by Bee. Hat tip, kesse.]

I’m going to be honest: I totally love this show. Love. It. It’s not a great show. The writing needs work. The plots aren’t sophisticated. But what it has is chemistry – insane, electric, undeniable, super-gay chemistry. Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander just click. I mean, you could practically hear it the first time they appeared on screen together. *click* Each week, they just can’t help it. The chemistry, the subtext, it bubbles up. That’s what chemistry does, it writes its own story.

And let me be honest again, but it doesn’t bother me if they never kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to kiss. Desperately. Every episode, at least once, I scream “KISS HER!” at my screen. Sometimes I also throw things. But the subtext doesn’t have to become maintext for me to enjoy it. In fact, I don’t expect it ever will. This isn’t really that kind of show, and it certainly isn’t that kind of source material. This is just a pleasant, well-paced cop drama about two smart, tough, charismatic women who solve crimes while making crazy eye contact, touching each other an inordinate number of times and sleeping over in the same bed. Straight girls, go figure.

Almost just as great as seeing the subtext each week is seeing how quickly gay women have embraced – once could even say groped with sweaty, naughty fingers – the subtext. The femslash. The Photoshopping. The recapping. It’s all so delicious and, well, fun. Look, we can get all indignant about the shortage of comprehensive, consistent, high-caliber lesbians shows and characters on television. And we should – we should never stop demanding more and better. But that shouldn’t keep us from enjoying something like this. Heck, even if TV was overflowing with every manner and sort of lesbian show, I think I’d still like “Rizzoli & Isles.” It’s a show that is in essence one big flirt. And, gosh, who doesn’t like flirting?

So it’s with a heavy heart that I look forward to next week’s season finale. Only one more episode? So soon? But, but, we just met. And for me, parting is even sooner sweet sorrow. Not to brag (that’s a lie, totally bragging), but I have a screener of the finale. In fact, I’ve watched the finale. So now I’m going to go all highfalutin media critic on you when I say that the only way to properly dissecting the complex narrative of next week’s finale is to describe it thusly: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

No, really, I mean that.

Even Rizzoli is having a hard time not spilling the beans about it.

p.s. Since many of you have asked, I’m still deciding if I’m going to recap the earlier episodes from this season. I’m not going to lie, recapping is an enormous pain in the ass. But perhaps, if like with Tinkerbell, you all clap your hands loudly enough my poor nearly dead brain will spring back to life and power through them.

p.p.s. Watching Angie dance around to Austin Powers also helps.

[Hat tip, twotonnelauri.]

p.p.p.s. Yes, Jane and Maura will be back for another, even longer season next year. It was the No. 1 cable show this summer, beating even The Closer. Pandering to the lesbians has its perks.

"Storage solutions make me hot."

First day back after a three-day weekend. Sucks, right? Well, put on your headphones and make sure no one is nearby who will look at you funny if you start laughing like an idiot at your screen. Are you ready? Press play. Trust me, Tuesday won’t seem so bad afterward. I promise.

p.s. Check out AfterEllen today for my interview with the video’s creator and all-around funny lady DeAnne Smith. In no particular order we discuss Justin Bieber, being a sex god and how exactly to manifest that kitten out of pure love and hemp sock lint.

Love's Labor

Are you working? Well you shouldn’t be. Today is the day we celebrate working by not working. Yay, unproductivity! Like any good North American laborer I’m going to spend today being blissfully lazy, as will my Canuck friends, except they spell it with a “u.” So in honor of Labor Day, a day when we don’t actually have to labor, how about indulging in some sexy videos? You’re not at work so that mouth-breathing podmate won’t be leering at your screen. You’re boss won’t walk by right when things get good. This is the perfect time for a little (tasteful) NSFW YouTubery. I did all the laboring to find the videos so you don’t have to. You’re welcome. Oh, and you’re also welcome for Olivia Wilde up above. And by “you’re welcome,” I mean “don’t swallow your tongue.”

Girls kissing. Automatic pressing of the play button. Automatic.

Amber Heard in the short video “Death of Me” by her equally sexy girlfriend Tasya van Ree. That tattoo on her side, what does it say?

I never watched “Legend of the Seeker.” This was a mistake.

Also, because it’s Monday and because there are only two more episodes of “Rizzoli & Isles” (what, so soon, nooooo!), here is yet another Rizzles fanvid. No, I will not tell you how much time I spent getting sucked into searching for those. Needless to say, I’m glad I had another day to sleep in.

I’m certain these have whipped you into your own YouTube fandom rabbit hole. So enjoy. It’s a holiday after all. You go watch your favorite fandoms, I’ll go watch my favorite fandoms and… wait... hold on. Is that Wonder Woman… running… in… slow motion? So, clearly, we all have to watch this together.

Happy Labor Day, or Monday every place else.

My Weekend Crush

The Internet is many things. Time waster. Wondrous revelation. Complete wanker. But at its best what it can be is a window into our common humanity. It can, in the words of that British TV show about teenagers who fight and fuck and fall in love, make us a better person – happier, less alone, less lonely. People enter our lives through this flickering screen who, while we may never meet face to face, change us. They make us happier, less alone. And then there are the extraordinary people who try to make the world happier, less alone.

Heather Hogan is that kind of person.

Sometimes all you have in common with another person is words. OK, there is also the liking girls thing. But mostly it is words and a mutual respect for them that led me to meet Heather Hogan. We share a reverence for those who put them together properly. And a belief in the magic of that happens when they’re put together perfectly. I’ve never met Heather Hogan, not in person. I’ve never shook her hand or given her a hug. But I know Heather Hogan, or at least the best bits. I feel lucky enough to call her a friend. Still the true magic of Heather Hogan is that she makes everyone feel like a friend, like they know her.

Heather is without a doubt the nicest person on the Internet, possibly the universe. She writes from a place beyond her heart. It’s at the core of who she is. It shows with every syllable. While we are very different – I’m not sporty, I’m not religious, I don’t have Carrie Underwood on my iPod – when Heather writes I can always relate. Take her beautiful new AfterEllen column, Beyond Visibility, where she examines the push-pull that comes from loving God and loving boobs . Take her sublime Skins recaps, which are as much an intimate dissection of her love for the stories as they are recaps.

Earlier this week I tweeted that it was Heather Hogan Day, and I meant it. That day her radio interview with the Aussie show Diff’rent Strokes aired, her first AE column ran and she launched her new website, theheatherhogan.com. I really couldn’t be more proud. I think what I love best is the way people respond to Heather. She is the consummate fan and her excitement and joy, thoughtfulness and caring can be infectious. It can actually make other people better. Like I was saying – a world that is happier, less alone.

I have made many friends through these series of tubes, people I will respect forever. People who have made me smarter, people who have made me laugh, people who have made me turn positively green with writer’s envy. But I’ve only met one Heather Hogan. You can’t not root for her. I think it’s a sin. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Mind the Gap

I wasn’t going to have a Gender Fuck Thursday this week. But then Padma showed up in a suit and tie on “Top Chef” and I had no choice. I am powerless against such hotness. Crippled, even. But Padma’s suiting up also presents an excellent opportunity to talk about fit. In particular, I want to talk about how suits fit if you are, say, a tad busty. Now the thing about suits and menswear in general is, well, they were made originally for men. And men, by and large, don’t have great racks. So when a woman with the aforementioned fantastic phenomena puts on a suit, something happens. Tailoring, therefore, is key. One doesn’t want it to be too loose or too tight. Improperly tailored menswear creates too much unfortunate gapping. Though, admittedly, sometimes gapping is a good thing – a very, very good thing.

Padma LakshmiShe looked like a fancy maître d’. A hot, fancy fancy maître d’.
[SPOILER: Total bullshit about [PKYAGed person] going home, total.]
p.s. In all fairness, I did use SPOILER in the post, people. And I do not have "cuts" on this blog.

Angelina JolieRemember when I said gapping was good? I was not wrong.

Scarlett JohanssonChoice of proper under suit shirt is essential. Well done, Scarlett.

Dita Von TeeseHer tailor deserves a raise, possibly a medal.

Janet JacksonThe double-breasted suit takes on a whole new meaning on ladies.

Maggie GyllenhaalSometimes perfectly avoidable gapping should not be avoided. This is one of those times.

Salma HayekButtoning all the buttons is, admittedly, tricky.

Christina HendricksSpeaking of buttons, I fear for this one’s life. And ours, if we’re standing directly in front of Christina. But, oh, what sweet death.

Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off

So yesterday in my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap for AfterEllen, someone in comments made the very bold statement that Jane Rizzoli was more gay than Olivia Benson. Hey, don’t blame the messenger. But it is quite a question. Which super-gay, non-gay fictional police detective out butches the other? Olivia, of course, has the head start. Still Jane has the fresh momentum. It’s kind of one of life’s unanswerable chicken or egg conundrums. But that doesn’t keep us from trying. So with that I give you a point-by-point breakdown of Benson v. Rizzoli: The Butch Off. Never let it be said that I’m afraid to ask life’s big questions.

Olivia Benson

Hands: On hips
Hair: Short
Belt: Chunky
Jacket: So many buttons

Jane Rizzoli

Hands: In pockets
Hair: Lustrous
Belt: Chunkier
Jacket: So Miami Vice

Her Gun

Benson: Points for aim.
Rizzoli: Points for forearms.

Her Girlfriend

Benson: Alex Cabot

Pros: Looks great in a suit, looks great in glasses, would make out with Tina Fey on request.
Cons: Will probably bail on date night by faking her own death.

Rizzoli: Maura Isles

Pros: Looks great in a dress, looks great in a bodysuit, would tell you the Latin root to every word in the dictionary on request.
Cons: Will probably offer you food from the dead fridge.

So, ladies (and discerning gentlemen), who takes it? Who is television’s gayest lady cop? And remember, this is so posterity, so be honest.