The wolf shall dwell with the lamb

I know that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but this is ridiculous. Why is Amanda Seyfried posing with so many barnyard animals in Elle magazine? What is happening? Is this some high fashion version of Animal Farm? I hope she’s not allergic. Does anyone have Zyrtec? I think it’s just supposed to be quite literally a representation of spring. But it’s kind of weirding me out. Like I’m getting a strange Silence of the Lambs feel. Is she going to eat any of those animals? Someone call PETA. I have so many questions that do not involve what the photo editor no doubt intended, which was, “Aw, look at the cute baby animals.”

On a somewhat unrelated note, I recently watched “Jennifer’s Body” for the first time. I’m not really a horror film person (and by “not really” I mean “I’m a big wuss”) so it took me a while. But I have to say, it was OK. I mean, there were some problematic plot points. But it didn’t seem like a 40-something percent Tomatoes Meter movie. But then, I’m prone to like films with female leads, even when one of them is a flesh-eating demon.

Though what surprised me most about the film (though, I guess from a crass marketing perspective it is gold) was the intense relationship between Needy and Jennifer. Of course, I’d seen The Kiss (which, come on, hot). But what was more interesting was Jennifer’s real connection to Needy. While non-demonified, it seemed Needy (hello, her name) was the more dependent in the friendship, but AS (After Sacrifice) Jennifer is really the one clinging to whatever they had. And (Spoilers: Jesus, do I need them for a two-year-old movie?) once that tie is broken completely she sort of gives up. Yes, there were the unfortunate “teenage girls are evil” overtones. But there’s a pretty fascinating feminist film theory paper in there somewhere. Also, Megan Fox looks good in tight jeans. What? I’m human.

And while we’re on the topic of Amanda Seyfried, can I just say she’s a surprisingly good singer. I’m totally ashamed to admit that I haven’t seen “Mamma Mia!” yet, which makes absolutely no sense because I love ABBA, Meryl Streep and beautiful Greek islands. But I haven’t. And so I missed out on her singing. But having caught a couple of the clips on YouTube, you can’t really tell because the songs are produced to a polish. But when you hear her acoustic? Wow. She has a nice timber to her voice. It’s lovely, sexy, lovely some more. And she plays guitar – that’s a weakness of mine. Like, did you know she wrote this song for the “Dear John” soundtrack, which is probably the only good thing to come out of a Tatum Channing collaboration?

I know I was ragging on some other actor-singers last week (cough, still J-LO, cough), but Amanda can go off and record a record whenever she wants. She just released a cover of Sam the Sham & The Pharoahs’ “L’il Red Riding Hood,” which in turn is possibly the only good thing to come out of that critically lambasted fairy tale.

Seriously, she made the languidly lecherous vibe of this dirty ditty sound slyly seductive. And watching her sing the praises of full lips. Yes, please. See, Elle magazine, you posed Amanda with the wrong animals. That girl is a wolf.

Face Time

I’ve come to the startling realization that I have a disease. I’m not sure if it’s curable, I’m not sure if it’s contagious. I’m pretty sure it isn’t recognized by the American Medical Association (though, man, it should be). My affliction, my sickness, my curse? I’ve got Chronic Screencappers Disease. I can’t watch a movie or TV show on my laptop without screencapping it. If you need to see further evidence of its symptoms, just check out my “Rizzoli & Isles” screencap folders.

This, of course, makes a relaxing night of watching a movie more difficult. I’ve found I’m not overcome with the affliction while watching TV or DVDs on my regular TV. But the urge to open up Photoshop is too strong when I’m watching something on my computer. Like last night, when I finally saw “Chloe.” Now, I can’t really recommend the movie for its plot. Its last half hour devolves into a ridiculous mish-mash of “Single White Instinct” proportions.

Though I can recommend the movie for its shear eye candy. Because, let’s be honest, “Chloe” is just 96 minutes of unapologetic wallowing in the face porn of Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried. Granted, you can’t really blame director Atom Egoyan for luxuriating his lens on these lovely ladies. They’ve got the kind of bone structure that were born to be projected two-stories high on the big screen. As such, a good half of the movie is tight shots of their faces. There are also a few choice close-up of other areas. But, you know, it’s a workday.

The plot, such that it is, involves Julianne hiring high-class call girl Amanda to seduce her husband (Liam Neeson) whom she suspects is cheating. And then it kind of turns that hooker with a heart of gold trope from “Pretty Woman” inside out. (Spoiler Alert: Also, dude, they totally do it.)

So this is when my illness works to your benefit. Because of the aforementioned Chronic Screencapper Disease and because of the aforementioned face porn, I will now share the bounty of my sickness with you. Please enjoy.

OK, fine, I’ll post one NSFW one. But remember, NSFW, so scroll down at your own peril. And by peril I mean yum.

The funniest, truest review I read of this film came from The Daily Beast which contains this perfect line: “Julianne Moore can act with her bosom.” She really can, kittens. She really can.

EDIT: Since you asked so nicely, here goes. If you don’t have a DVD program that takes screenshots automatically, you can follow these four simple steps to Basic Screencapping 101 on a PC. 1) Pause DVD/video on the scene you want to cap. 2) Press the “Print Screen” (PRTSC) button. 3) Open Photoshop (or MS Paint in a pinch). 4) Click “New,” then “Image from clipboard” (just click “Paste” in MS Paint). And, voila. You can crop and run it through various filters, but that right there is a screencap, friends. So now I’ve infected you all with the disease. Bwahahaha!