Funny business

After a long holiday weekend sometimes it’s not the first day back that takes it out of you the most, but the second. On the first day you’re still chatting with your co-workers about what you did, what you ate, what you wish you hadn’t done or eaten. But on that second day, boy, does it ever set in that this is a regular old work week. So, to shake off some of those reality sucks doldrums, I thought today we could all just laugh together. Like big, hearty, don’t be drinking any liquids laughing. Are you ready? All together now. Let’s laugh off a tiny sliver of that whole pumpkin pie you consumed over the weekend.

G-L-O-R-I-A

What better way to reflect on a holiday about giving thanks for our great melting pot of a country than to make fun of foreigners’ accents?

Warehouse 13 Gag Reel

Bollocks. That is all.

Anna Torv

Anna Torv in a cop uniform. Hot. Anna Torv using female stereotypes to write an enormous ticket? Hot and hilarious. Also, love the baton thing at the end.

Cat & Pamie

Remember that commercial for KY Intense that featured the lesbians? Well here’s a real-life lesbian, Cat, (and her not-real-life-lesbian friend, Pamie) actually using the product. I swear to God, this made me laugh so hard, a little pee came out. It burns! It burns!

There, now that burned off at least, what, one of the mini-marshmallows on your sweet potato casserole, right

Body of a Greek goddess

Yes, I’ve been talking about Jaime Murray a lot lately. No, I will not apologize. I mean, have you seen her? You have eyes, right? Have you seen her in a bikini? In fact, my Jaime Murray obsession of late has yielded some unexpected fruits. And, yes, I mean fruits in the totally gay way. So allow me to please take you back in the my way-back machine (you say potato, I say Tardis) to a little year known as 2008. Yes, kids, think back to when we all were still starry eyed about that Hope-y Change-y thing and a show called “Valentine” appeared on our TVs. Now, you probably do not remember this show. I do not remember this show. That’s because it aired for only aired four episodes on the CW before being canceled (the last four episodes were burned off the next summer).

But those who do remember it, or those who are similarly obsessed stalkers diligent researchers like me may have found a few of the episodes online. And this is where we all have to thank Al gore again because what I found was this entirely delightful, totally gay episode of “Valentine.” First, let me set the premise for you. “Valentine” is about a group of immortal Greek gods living in modern day and acting as matchmakers for unsuspecting folks. Jaime plays the matriarch of the family, Aphrodite. One look at Jaime in her bikini and you will know where the saying, “Body of a Greek god” comes from.

The Valentine clan also enlisted a mortal human writer to help them in their matchmaking. Among their cases is an adorable little lesbian couple who dated in college. Oh, first girlfriends, how we never really escape you. If you have 20 minutes to spare, this is really too cute to pass up. Also, you get to hear Jaime say, “I’ve always had a soft spot for lesbians.” Yeah, you’re clicking play right now, aren’t you?

See? So cute. Also, the first time Aphrodite and their human sidekick meet, this happens. (Come on, I know you have a minute and 39 seconds to spare.)

I think Jaime’s Aphrodite and Anna Silk’s Bo need to get together and make the whole universe feel alright. Or, at very least, us ladies.

Death become her, unfortunately

TV shows need to stop killing Jaime Murray. I mean it. Cut that shit out. Immediately. And, no, I’m still not over the Warehouse 13 finale yet. But, seriously, this is more than a trend. This is an epidemic. It’s gotten so when I see her on screen my emotions go to DEFCON 1. Impending death ahead. Take cover, take cover. This will all end in tears.

Think I’m kidding? Let’s review. (p.s. If you haven’t watched “Dexter,” “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” or “Warehouse 13,” there be major spoilers ahead…)

DexterShe plays NA sponsor/pyromaniac Lila, who meets a grisly end.

SpartacusShe plays Lucretia’s friend and sometimes lover Gaia, who meets a grisly end.

Warehouse 13She plays former Warehouse 12 agent, would-be world ender and Myka eye sex partner H.G. Wells, who meets what appears to be a grisly (or at the very least explosive) end.

And those are just he shows she had recurring roles on. She even dies when she guest stars. “Eli Stone” – she dies. “The Mentalist” – she dies. “Agatha Christie’s Poirot” – she dies. Are we getting the picture?

SERIOUSLY, TV, CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Jaime is currently on “Ringer” and I’m just counting the days until her character ends up dead. Well, actually I’m just counting the days until she shows up again (maybe tonight – pretty, pretty please). Still when she does will Sarah Michelle Gellar have to kill her to save her Bridget/Siobhan secret? Will Jaime construct a protective force field to save Bridget/Siobhan so the lies they’ve spun don’t blow up in their face, but in the process gets blown up herself leaving fangirls everywhere crying onto the Tumblr dashboards. Am I projecting wildly? Possibly. But if past is precedent I wouldn’t get too attached.

Oh, Jaime. If only your ability to bring The Gay to my television wasn’t followed shortly by your ability to bring The Grim Reaper.

How about them apples?

WARNING: Major “Warehouse 13” finale spoilers. If you haven’t watched yet, good gravy, hurry because it’s pretty fucking epic.

Right, so let’s get this out of the way immediately. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Jagged sobs. Unrepentant sniffles. Sad panda is sad. I mean, I knew they would probably kill HG – I knew it. This season was her really her redemption story. Try to destroy the world one year, then sacrifice yourself to save it the next. It’s such a tidy character resolution it almost comes gift wrapped with a bow. But then they actually did it. And it was both horrible and heroic. Perfect and perfectly awful. Having HG Wells and the fabulous Jaime Murray back, even if just for the finale, added so much snap and crackle to the show. It’s truly undeniable. And my God, the subtext, The Subtext. All those longing looks. All those stolen moments. All those accidentally getting tied up together in kinky bondage situations at the most inopportune times.

Look, I’m all for the grand romantic gestures. But in this case I would have happily taken a little less grand gesture and a little more romantic. I mean, you know I love subtext. I LOVE it. But the HG and Myka storyline has been maintext pretending to be subtext, but not quite brave enough to come out of the closet all season. Subtext is a nod and a wink and a wouldn’t it be funny/better if... Maintext is HG and Myka are totally in love yet even at the very end, weren’t strong enough to say it out loud. And that’s disappointing. Seriously, to get their lips this close together and not have them kiss? That’s just…mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought the finale was pretty amazing. But if that really is the last we see of HG (unless she gets her own prequel spin-off or Artie’s pocket watch can do a hell of a lot more than tell time), then I wish the writers had had the courage of their big gay convictions. Why not let HG mouth “I love you” to Myka instead? They sure danced around the subject. It was like a game of “How many ways can HG and Myka say ‘I love you’ without saying ‘I love you.’” Myka saying the price was too high to kill HG. HG saying Myka is the one person who knows her better than anyone else. HG sacrificing herself to save Myka. Trust me when she said “It was the only way I could think to save you,” she wasn’t talking about Pete and Artie. From now on, “I smell apples” is the new “I love you.” So there.

I know this show is gay friendly. It has gay writers. It has gay sensibility. It flashes gay rainbow flags on screen whenever possible (like on a GSA flyer on Emily Lake’s classroom bulletin board). Gay gay gayity gay gay. But then it goes and kills its only two self-defined gay characters in HG and Jinks? I know their sacrifices served the stories well but, come on – don’t go breaking my heart like that, “Warehouse 13.”

Dammit, Artie, that pocket watch better fix this. Because a world without HG isn’t exactly a world I’m thrilled to have just seen saved. Oh, HG, you can’t be gone because all Myka does when she sees you is smell apples.

p.s. I’d watch the hell out of “Wells & Bering” or “Bering & Wells.”
p.p.s. I would like to thank Jaime Murray and Joanne Kelly for softening the blow of last night’s finale by posing for this picture. A grateful universe thanks you. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’ve got to go pass out, forever.

Secret Stylist Agent

Agent Myka Bering. Smart. Bad-ass. Hairstyle challenged. Our very special Secret Service Agent has gone through a bit of a hairstyle evolution since she first drove up to “Warehouse 13.” Remember how light her hair was when the show started? Then through the years it has darkened. But, of course, the biggest evolutionary jump came between the second and third season when The Straightening happened. No, I don’t mean all those meaningful sideways glances between Myka and HG ended (hell, they’re even stronger). I mean her hair. Hello, straight iron. All that lovely kink is gone, leaving sleek black tresses. Which, naturally, leads us to one of the great questions of our time. Agent Myka Bering: Curly or Straight?



On the one hand, I hate the straight intensely. Her curly hair looked natural, free. Her straight hair looks forced, controlled.But on the other hand, I love it. I’m a bit more of a straight hair gal than a curly hair gal – as my hair is straight as well.And then I think both are fantastic. In fact, she should alternate through the week. Wild and curly one day. Smooth and straight the next. Hello, best of both worlds.Though, I will say that Myka can’t pull off all hairstyles with similar grace. Oh, darling, no.

In the end, I think the best thing we can say about Myka’s hairvolution is that it’s clear what the endgame is.

Lesbian Twin Syndrome claims another happy couple.



p.s. Please, tv gods, keep bringing HG back this season. A gal can’t go too long without a good grappling hook.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Gay It Forward

Right, so sometimes the lovely ladies who gay it forward wear suits instead of tank tops. Which is fine by me. I’m equal opportunity when it comes to my preferred lesbian attire. And I can’t think of a better subject to lead the way than Carla Gugino. She’s had more lesbian and lesbianish scenes than the cast of “The L Word.” Granted, the movies are largely of questionable quality. “Jaded,” “Rise: Blood Hunter,” “Center of the World,” “Sin City,” “She Creature.” They’re not exactly “Citizen Kane.” But, you know, A for effort. Though I really think we should get a petition going to finally put Carla in a good lesbian movie. It’d be a crime to let someone who looks that good in a suit go to waste. A damn crime.

Jaime MurrayIf Myka saw this you know she’d throw herself at HG, non-corporeal form or not.



Jordana BrewsterIf you ever want to find the lesbians in a crowd, just yell the name “Lucy Diamond” and see whose heads swivel faster than you can say “D.E.B.S.”



Amy AdamsWhile I’ve never seen the rest of “Standing Still,” I will admit to watching one particular scene more than once.



Chloe SevignyI have no idea what’s going on with the strange face kerchief. But seeing her in a jacket gives me warm fuzzies about her uber butch hottie in “If These Walls Could Talk II.”



Christina HendricksI kept the “Without a Trace” where she played an agoraphobic lesbian on my DVR for an unusually long time.



Kristin Scott ThomasI know, I’ve been on a bit of a KST kick of late. But with “Love Crimes” coming up and “Tell No One,” “Bitter Moon” and that scene in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” where she said she was a lesbian once in college all in the bag, can you really blame me?



Heather MorrisIt’s Brittany, bitch. And I have a lot more to say about her over on AfterEllen a little later today.



Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew BarrymoreIt’s the hat trick of lesbian kisses with Cameron in “Being John Malkovich,” Lucy in “Rise: Blood Hunter” and the “Ally McBeal” kiss heard around the world and Drew in “Poison Ivy.” With that track record it’s amazing they didn’t work in a threesome kiss in “Charlie’s Angels.” Well, there’s always the new TV show.



Sasha AlexanderDr. Maura Isles wearing Det. Jane Rizzoli’s clothes? I’ll be in my bunk, possibly forever.

p.s. Maura is totally checking out Jane’s ass in her dress here.

My Weekend Crush

Some of you noted when disclosing my tendencies toward dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the UK of late that I had left a certain lady off my recent crush list. Well, actually, I left several ladies off. But, truth be told, I left out one purpose. You see, I wanted to save Jaime Murray all for the weekend. Certainly, she ticks all my categories: hair, check; cheekbones, check; accent, check. And, she has something else – where she goes, something gay often follows. First in “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” and now in “Warehouse 13,” Jaime has caused her female cohorts pulses to quicken – both overtly and covertly. Of course, how could they not? Just look at her. And besides just being just outrageously gorgeous, Jaime brings a delightful dose of sass to her roles. It’s a rare combination, really. You don’t usually get to be so endearingly cheeky when you’ve got the body of a femme fatale. But it’s that very combination of an aristocratic face and a devilish charm that makes her so wickedly intoxicating. I mean, anyone who gets to make out with Lucy Lawless and give significant sideways glances to Joanne Kelly clearly has some serious game. But then, as I’ve said – just look at her. (That link is so NSFW and so worth it.) Happy weekend, all.

p.s. HG returns Monday night on “Warehouse 13.” Who else has purchased a first-class ticket on the Myka/HG love ship?