A good day to be gay

I don’t mean to gloat – oh, who am I kidding, I’m totally gloating – but yesterday was a pretty fucking good day to be gay. Prop. 8 was ruled unconstitutional, again, this time by the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. This is a Joe Biden-worthy Big Fucking Deal. This is a federal court. This is probably headed to the Supreme Court next (with a possible pit stop first to the full Ninth Circuit). Granted, the marriage ban stay remains in effect. And the ruling was relatively narrow, meaning is upheld it would only apply to California. But still, a win is a fucking win. High five, gays and friends of gays. High fucking five.

Also yesterday, avowedly anti-choice and rigidly conservative Komen for the Cure Vice President for Public Policy Karen Handel, who was behind the Planed Parenthood funding debacle, resigned from the group in a defensive huff. How dare we think someone who during her failed, Sarah Palin-endorsed run for Georgia governor who vowed to defund Planned Parenthood and said in her own campaign blog that, “I do not support the mission of Planned Parenthood” have a political agenda when defunding Planned Parenthood? How dare we! Though, lest you think this resignation is only a win for the pro-choice/progressive forces of light, it’s also a nice don’t let the door hit you in the ass for us gays. Because during that same failed gubernatorial run, Handel said she was “wholeheartedly” against gay marriage, civil unions, domestic partner benefits and gay adoption. And when asked why she was against civil unions and gay marriage her response was this: “Why is marriage between one man and one woman? (Laughs). Are you serious?” Like I was saying – door, ass. Buh-fucking-bye.

Look, we don’t always win. In fact, we’ve been on the losing team for pretty much ever. But the good news has always been that we’re on the right side of history. So yesterday was a bit like Big Gay Christmas. Because as important and essential as it is to continue to fight injustice, we should also celebrate and revel in our victories. That doesn’t mean we rest on our laurels. But as Martin Luther King said, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” So on that long road toward equality, we have to appreciate each little bend in our direction.

And in the end, it is the very words of the court decision itself that speak the loudest for justice. You can read the full opinion here. As Judge Stephen Reinhardt wrote in the majority opinion:

“All that Proposition 8 accomplished was to take away from same-sex couples the right to be granted marriage licenses and thus legally to use the designation of ‘marriage,’ which symbolizes state legitimization and societal recognition of their committed relationships. Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples.”

Yeah, it was a good day to be gay yesterday. And, really, everyday. Because we know where that long arc is going. And we won’t stop until it gets there.

My Weekend Crush

I’ve never understood the forces against choice. Not just the choice over when and how and whether we as women have a child or not. Though that does baffle me to my very core. But the forces against choice, freedom, access and rights in general. Why limit and restrict when you can free and grant? Yet here we are, in the year 2012, and we are still fighting a basic fight to be in control of our own bodies, to be granted the full rights, to be free to choose how we live our lives. And to be honest, it pisses me the fuck off. Like when I heard this week that the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation, the world’s largest breast cancer organization, had bowed to political pressure and pulled its support for Planned Parenthood, it majorly pissed me the fuck off.

Komen has given Planned Parenthood about $700,000 in grants each year since 2005, which have funded some 170,000 of the breast exams and 6,400 mammograms. But now, that money has stopped. You can have whatever opinion you want on abortion. I certainly am not some sort of abortion cheerleader, but I also certainly respect the right and choice of any women to decide what happens with her own body. But this isn’t about abortion, because none of the Komen money went toward abortion. It went to what the Komen Foundation is supposed to be about – preventing and curing breast cancer.

Komen’s bullshit answer is it has a new policy where it does not fund organizations being investigated by local, state or federal authorities. And it just so happens that Republican Florida Representative Cliff Stearns has launched an investigation over how Planned Parenthood spends its money. Stearns, it should be noted, is virulently anti-choice and, just for good measure, also super anti-gay. Heck, he even wanted to ban gay adoption. How dare we try to be parents to those babies the women who did what you demanded and decided not to have abortions gave up for adoption!

But for the record, because it bears repeated repeating, only 3 percent – yes, THREE PERCENT – of Planned Parenthood’s patient care goes toward abortion services. The vast majority is contraception (35 percent), STD infection/prevention care (35 percent), cancer screening/prevention (16 percent) and other women’s services (10 percent). In case you’re doing the math, the other 1 percent goes to other services. Also, Congress has already banned the use of federal money for abortions. So while the federal government does provide a large portion of Planned Parenthood’s funding, it is already prohibited from using any of that money for abortion services.

I have been lucky in my life not to need Planned Parenthood services. But I have many friends who have. In fact one in five women in the U.S. has visited a Planned Parenthood health center at least once in her life. The organization helps millions of particularly low-income and minority women who would otherwise have absolutely no access to safe and affordable health care services. These are life-saving services like pap smears, breast exams, STD screenings and more.

So what’s this all about then? If the Komen money goes toward breast cancer screening and the federal dollars are already prohibited from being used for abortions? It’s about attacking women. It’s about denying us the most basic health care rights. It’s about controlling our bodies. It’s about making the choices for us. Well, we can make our own choices. We are in control of our own bodies. We are not political footballs. We are women. And you will now hear us roar. Donate to Planned Parenthood today, tomorrow and as long as it takes. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: UPDATE: Indeed, Komen has issued a statement saying it changed its policy prohibiting organizations under investigation from being eligible for its grants. It said “We will continue to fund existing grants, including those of Planned Parenthood, and preserve their eligibility to apply for future grants.” Given the debacle, this is a clear attempt at damaging fallout from this clearly political decision. While I am happy Komen has made Planned Parenthood eligible again for its grants, I have learned more about the organization that makes me wary of its motivations. Not only did it hire a stridently anti-choice senior vice president for public policy last year and its CEO is a major contributor to Republican political candidates. The good news, Planned Parenthood has received some $3 million in donations since this whole debacle started. The moral of this story? The women and men who support women’s health are legion. And we will not be silenced.

Pro-choice

One of the fastest ways to make a group of gays mad is to talk about what it means to be gay. Queer identity and how we label ourselves makes some people’s heads explode. It really does. And don’t pretend it doesn’t. I know it does because a) I write for the Internet and b) I read all the comments in the AfterEllen article about Cynthia Nixon saying that “for me (being gay) is a choice.” Heads exploding like rockets on the Fourth of July. Boom! Boom! Boom! KABOOM!

Because this is what Cynthia told The New York Times Magazine when the topic of people finding her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous:

“I totally reject that,” she said heatedly. “I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.” Her face was red and her arms were waving. “As you can tell,” she said, “I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

Woo and doggy. I see the powder keg and I see the lit fuse. The smart thing would be to take cover and hope to avoid the worst of the collateral damage. Fire in the hole, save yourselves! But, no, like an idiot I’ve decided to walk toward the fuse and see if I can’t tamp it out before spark meets powder. God, I am so fucking stupid.

Here’s the thing. This is a complicated issue. That no one is denying that. Part of the driving narrative we, as a queer community, have used on our march toward full equality is that we should be equal because, in essence, we can’t help it. We were born this way, baby. And in this country and hopefully this world, people should have the right to life, liberty and happiness regardless of inborn differences like race, gender, sexual orientation, et al. We are born gay and we stay gay and we deserve all the same rights as people who were born straight and stay straight.

And for some of us, many of us, that’s 100 percent true. We’re 100 percent big-time gay from cradle to grave – do not pass go do not collect $200.

Make no mistake there is a definite advantage to presenting a public and united front where homosexuality is not a choice for anyone. Optics and perception matter. No one wants the “Ex-Gay” forces to feel justified or vindicated. Because for many, many, many queer people, we were born this way. Plain and simple. But the thing is, we humans are a lot of things. And we have this crazy thing called free will. And something like who we want to see naked and who we fall in love with, they can fall along that spectrum. Does that make being gay or acting gay wrong? Heavens no! It just makes the experience of it, the realization of it, the acting upon it different for different people.

I tend to look at the LGBT community as a big umbrella of sexual otherness. And I don’t care if you like to stand directly in the center of the umbrella or on the outskirts so your shoulder gets wet – as long as you’re happy and proud to be under the umbrella with the rest of us I’m happy to have you there.

What Cynthia said may rankle some, with reason because we’re nowhere near the finish line when the fight for equality. But something else she said rung even truer. “You don’t get to define my gayness for me.” And isn’t that, in the end, what we’re fighting for in the first place? To be able to love who we want to love free of discrimination or judgment or criticism and hate. But instead, people always try to define other people for them. Look, it’s hard enough to define ourselves as is, so don’t project your definition on me and then scold me for not conforming to it.

If everyone just realized that we weren’t all identical widgets from the widget factory, but individuals who deserve to be treated the same no matter what, the world would be a better fucking place and widgets could just happily do what widgets do. But everyone has to get up in everyone else’s nut.

And that, to me, is really fucking tiring. Fighting amongst ourselves about how to be gay isn’t helping anyone actually be gay. Policing other people’s gayness isn’t helping anyone actually be gay. Demanding people use one label or another label isn’t helping anyone actually be gay.

You know what helps people be gay? Saying I accept you no matter who you sleep with or fall in love with or want to make a home with. And as long as you treat me the same way back for the people I sleep with and fall in love with and want to make a home with, then the world will be a better place. And absolutely no one’s head has to explode. At least not today.

Out of dreams

Today is Martin Luther King Day in the United States. And for those of us who still believe that one day we will all live in a nation where children are not judged by color of their skin or the people that they love, but by the content of their character, this video is for you. The dream never dies unless we let it. Dream big today, kittens, dream big.

My Weekend Crush

Change can be a real bitch. It doesn’t comes right when you want it to. It always takes forever. Sometimes it seems it’ll never happen. But, still, we never have to stop trying, stop fighting, stop working to make it happen. So each step toward change, however small, is something to celebrate. Something to embrace. Something to hold up as a reminder that, yes, change is coming. It always comes. It is the only inevitability in life besides death. And that, in itself, is a change. So this week, when Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton stepped before the United Nations in Geneva and gave a speech declaring gay rights human rights. This isn’t a baby step. This isn’t even a regular step. This is history.

God, I love this speech. Hillary spoke for 30 solid minutes about gay rights. It is, quite simply, extraordinary. A few excerpts (but really, watch the full 30 minutes – you will not be sorry).

On human rights:

“Some have suggested that gay rights and human rights are separate and distinct; but, in fact, they are one and the same…. Like being a woman, like being a racial, religious, tribal, or ethnic minority, being LGBT does not make you less human. And that is why gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.”

On religious objections:

“This is not unlike the justification offered for violent practices towards women like honor killings, widow burning, or female genital mutilation. Some people still defend those practices as part of a cultural tradition. But violence toward women isn't cultural; it's criminal. Likewise with slavery, what was once justified as sanctioned by God is now properly reviled as an unconscionable violation of human rights. In each of these cases, we came to learn that no practice or tradition trumps the human rights that belong to all of us.”

On freedom of expression:

“Universal human rights include freedom of expression and freedom of belief, even if our words or beliefs denigrate the humanity of others. Yet, while we are each free to believe whatever we choose, we cannot do whatever we choose, not in a world where we protect the human rights of all.”

On creating change:

“We need to ask ourselves, ‘How would it feel if it were a crime to love the person I love? How would it feel to be discriminated against for something about myself that I cannot change?’ This challenge applies to all of us as we reflect upon deeply held beliefs, as we work to embrace tolerance and respect for the dignity of all persons, and as we engage humbly with those with whom we disagree in the hope of creating greater understanding.”

Chills, really, chills. Clear, direct, eloquent, forceful. It’s everything we want our leaders to stand up and say to the world. And, like Hillary herself admits on the speech, our “own country's record on human rights for gay people is far from perfect” and we “have more work to do to protect human rights at home.” No, the Obama Administration’s record on LGBT rights isn’t perfect. No, neither Obama or Hillary fully support gay marriage – yet. But still, this speech is a landmark worldwide. A message to the corners of the world where being gay is still a crime. A clarion call for equality across the globe.

You can read her full transcript here.

Her speech could not be more of a contrast to the new political ad put out by Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry also put out this week. In it, the want-to-be President of the United States says:

“I’m not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. As President, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion. And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.”

When people scoff about voting and say, “Oh, who cares, politicians are all alike,” show them these two videos. Sure, sometimes it’s hard to find perfection in our leaders. But then consider the alternative.

p.s. As distasteful as it is to watch, I urge you to take a look and then click the “DISLIKE” button to help make Perry’s hideous spot the most disliked video on YouTube.
p.p.s. But it’ll make your day infinitely better knowing that that Perry wore Heath Ledger’s iconic “Brokeback Mountain” jacket in his big, dumb anti-gay ad.

Hillary ended her spectacular speech with a call for change, that ever elusive yet always present creature. And it urged everyone to get on the right side of history. It’s what makes me know that no matter how hard the Rick Perrys and worse of the world try, they’ll never be able to truly stop change from coming. Delay it, sure. Aggravate it, definitely. But history has proven to have very little patience with those who deny its progress. As Hillary said, “no matter how long the road ahead, we will travel it successfully together.” Happy weekend, all.

It's time

This video has been making the rounds this week, getting passed from friend to friend and site to site. It’s lovely, just lovely and I won’t ruin anything for you if you haven’t seen it yet. And even if you have seen it, watch it again with me. I’ve watched it a good half dozen times and each time get that lump anew. But it’s a good lump, such a good lump.

You know, every time I write passionately about pop culture, someone will inevitably tell me to lighten up. It’s fiction, idiot. It’s make believe, dumbass. It’s not real, loser. Get a life! This is always terribly edifying. I’m so glad someone finally let me know. This is truly life-altering news. Next thing you’ll be telling me you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Crazy.

Aside from wondering why these people are on a pop culture site in the first place since they’re clearly so busy doing important things with their lives like collecting unicorn tears to cure global drought, I always want to ask if they think art – even popular art – happens in a vacuum. Sure, we use it to entertain. But we also use it to illuminate, to educate, to elucidate, to fascinate. At its best it’s not just a mirror to reflect our current reality, but a powerful looking glass which we can travel through to imagine a world exactly how we want it.

And popular art, pop culture, matters exactly because of its popularity. It’s our mass opiate, but with more than just the ability to get us high. It came make us think. It can help change who we are. So, then, if a show about a bunch of high school students who sing and dance can help someone, somewhere out there understand the world just a tiny bit better, why not embrace that? And if a show that can help people misses an opportunity to do so, why not call it out and demand it improve? Is it a cure for cancer? No. But it’s something that has the potential to impact masses.

And in a world when we still aren’t as free, as equal, as accepted, as embraced as everyone else, every little bit of positive representation counts. If even a dumb old commercial can make you cry, it matters. It all matters. So here’s to art, in all its forms, the high brow and the low brow. The popular and obscure. The message filled and even mindless. May we never stop demanding it be better. May we always look to it to show us who we are, and who we’d like to be.

We hold these truths

In this seemingly never-ending march toward full equality, one thing is abundantly clear. The more you meet us, the more you realize how crazy it is to hate us. Us, of course, being the LGBTQ people of this world who are no different than everyone else save for this tiny little detail about who we love. So, with that I’m pleased to throw a little love behind the Self Evident Truths Project by the artist iO Tillett Wright. This photo essay is a bit like the NOH8 project, but less glitzy and more grassroots. It is backed by the Human Rights Campaign. The goal is to shoot more than 4,000-5,000 faces of LGBTQ people across the United States, hitting 25 cities in three big road trips. She started in New York, shooting more than 300 people. And now is on the first leg of her road trip, hitting San Francisco and Los Angeles in the next two weekends. And, best yet, if you want to be part of the project you can.

The shoot dates and times are such:

SAN FRANCISCO
FRI 4-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM BROADWAY WATERFRONT
SAT 5-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM PINK TRIANGLE PARK
SUN 6-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM DOLORES
MON7-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM UNION SQUARE

LOS ANGELES
FRI 11-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM ROOSTER FISH, VENICE
SAT 12-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM LOS FELIZ
SUN 13-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM AM (TBA)/PM THEABBEY
MON14-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM HOLLYWOOD

To take part you must make an appointment via the Self Evident Project’s Facebook page or email selfevident2011@gmail.com with the subject “SF APPOINTMENT” or “LA APPOINTMENT” with a couple of time preferences.

They say there’s not much a single face in the crowd can do. But all those faces together making one big crowd, well, that no one can ignore.

Kiss this, Southwest

Do you know how to make a lot of lesbians really angry really fast? Be mean to Alice Pieszecki. In what seems like a plot out of “The L Word,” but is actual real and infuriating life, Leisha Hailey and her partner were escorted off a Southwest flight yesterday after kissing. Yes, in the year 2011 two gay ladies can’t kiss on an airplane without it being the end of the goddamn fucking world.

Leisha took to her twitter account last afternoon to express her justifiable outrage. (Click to enlarge. Read from the bottom to the top for the correct chronology).

So at Southwest bags fly free, but gay ladies can’t fly at all?

My outrage at this is multifold, and only compounded by Southwest’s official statement on the incident, released hours later. It read, in part:

“Initial reports indicate that we received several passenger complaints characterizing the behavior as excessive. Our crew, responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board, approached the passengers based solely on behavior and not gender. The conversation escalated to a level that was better resolved on the ground, as opposed to in flight.”

I think Southwest’s spell check is broken because they typed the word “excessive” when they really meant “gay.” You know, they’re pretty much interchangeable for some people. Now, I’ve flown a lot in my day. Across the state, across the country, across the oceans. And I have seen a lot of straight couples kiss on airplanes. A lot. And sometimes vigorously. But I have never seen a straight couple asked to stop kissing on an airplane. And I have never seen a straight couple escorted off for complaining that they were asked to stop kissing on an airplane. Never. Not once.

The Uh Huh Her twitter feed responded in kind, refuting this whole “excessive” business:

Besides that clear double standard (which blames the gays for daring to be gay and also daring to kiss while being gay), Southwest is essentially shrugging off its responsibility for its actions by claiming they were just reacting to passenger complaints. So, if some wingnut says he doesn’t like Asian people on his flight, would Southwest then – because it says is “responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board” – ask those Asian people to leave? If a homophobic passenger doesn’t like to see gay people show affection toward each other, why do his rights trump the couple’s rights? How is that more of a “family” value than embracing love – in all of its variations? This from the company that calls itself the LUV Airline.

Now, the naysayers (and there are always sayers making with the nay – this is the internet, it practically breeds them) will say that gays should just cool it with the PDA. That all PDA is uncomfortable and should not be allowed for anyone – but, you know, especially that icky gay kind that has the potential to make “normal” Americans have to explain to their kids that the world is a big place and not everyone is the same or some such socialist malarkey.

They say when gay people kiss in public they “want attention” or are “rubbing it in other people’s faces” or “whatever other homophobic bullshit I can say to mask the deep insecurity I feel about my own sexuality and that one time at summer camp with my cute counselor.” To those people I want to make a rational argument about how affection between straight and gay couples is no different, and what is acceptable for one should be just as acceptable for the other. But mostly I just want to tell those people to go fuck themselves. Truly, I could not be more sincere about that.

Look, I highly doubt Leisha and her lady friend were trying to go all Bette Porter at the opera on each other in their seats. Nothing about modern air travel is even the least bit conducive to a frisky finger bang session. Instead, like a lot of couples do, they shared a small smooch or two before the plane took off. Again, like a lot of couples do. If a straight couple did it, these same so-called complainers would probably say “Awwww.” Because a gay couple did it they said “Ewwww.”

Keep in mind, this is also the airline that kicked Greenday’s Billie Joe Armstrong off one of its planes for wearing saggy pants and director Kevin Smith off one of its planes for being too, in his own words, “fat.” And those are just the famous people they’ve wronged. They also have that pilot who accidentally broadcast his homophobic, misogynistic rant about “gays,” “grannies” and “grandes” to all the planes in the Houston area. Ironically, they’re also the official airlines of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.

What is most frustrating about this, besides the obvious inequality and homophobia, is that every gay person already has an internal monitor that she or he uses to regulate public behavior. It’s mostly subconscious, often just instinctual. But it has been ingrained in us from the moment we realized we were different. I call it the “Is It Worth It?” Meter. It’s that meter tells us how fully we can be ourselves and when it is worth the consequences. For the most part, the answer is always yes. Yes, it’s worth it to be out. Yes, it’s worth it to be public. Yes, it’s worth it to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movie theater.

But then there are times when it simply is not worth it. No, it’s not worth it to tell the douchey coffee guy who always tries to hit on you because it will only make him hit on you harder, and with more lesbian jokes. No, it’s not worth it to keep holding your girlfriend’s hand when you’re walking home late at night and nearing a large group of unruly men.

So for every person out there who persists on thinking we’re just shoving our big gay agenda into their faces, trust me – we’ve thought about the consequences of what we’re doing a lot more than you ever have. And we do what we do because we’ve decided that it’s worth it – despite all the bullshit – to be who we are. Because to self-censor ourselves for other people’s so-called comfort isn’t doing the world any favors. In fact, it hurts the world to let this double standard exist that says one kind of love is more acceptable than another kind of love. We think long and hard and endlessly about many of the simple gestures that straight people just take for granted.

So each time gay people demand to be treated equal, cry foul against discrimination and simply dare to give the person we love a kiss before the plane takes off, we chip away at that double standard. We stake our claim on our own equality. We say, I have the right to do this. If that makes you uncomfortable world, well, that’s your fucking problem. It’s not excessive to kiss someone you love, Southwest Airlines. And it is definitely worth it.

EDIT: Leisha Hailey and Camila Grey of Uh Huh Her have released an official statement about their Kissgate. It reads, in part:

We believe everyone has the right to live openly in this society as equals. In no way were our actions on Southwest Airlines excessive, inappropriate or vulgar. We want to make it clear we were not making out or creating any kind of spectacle of ourselves, it was one, modest kiss. We are responsible adult women who walk through the world with dignity. We were simply being affectionate like any normal couple.

Exactly, ladies. Exactly.

It Gets Google

This ad ran during “Glee” last night. Think long and hard about when was the last time you saw a gay-themed ad on a major American broadcast network during primetime. No on Bravo. Not on MTV. Not on Logo. On broadcast TV during the “Family Hour.” Yeah, embarassingly hard, isn't it? I’ve been a Firefox gal for years. But, you know what? I just might switch to Chrome.

Our stories, Ourselves

I try to write about women’s issues a lot on this blog – not just because I’m a woman, but because it matters how 51 percent of the population is treated in this world. I would hope that even if I wasn’t a woman I’d still care a lot about women’s issues. Women’s rights, women’s representation, women’s equality – they aren’t just about how women are treated, but what we value as a society. Even though this is mostly just a silly site that merrily muses about effervescent pop culture and pretty, pretty ladies, I try to do my small part to advocate for more, better and total inclusion of women in all forms of entertainment. This year I made an informal resolution to myself to stop watching TV shows that don’t pass the Bechdel Rule. So that killed “Hawaii Five-O” (Grace Park in a bikini is great, but it’d be even greater if she had another regular female castmate to talk with each week.) In TV – where we follow characters for years, not just 90 minutes – it’s even less excusable to not pass the simple test of having two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.

But what we see on screen is one thing, what happens behind the screen is another. The simple fact, the undeniable truth is that we women simply are not in command of our own stories. You see, who tells a story matters. Yet according to a new study by the Women’s Media Center, only 8 percent of all film writers are women. That means 92 percent are men, telling all of the stories we see on the screen. In 2009, women directed 7 percent of the top films that year. That’s the same percentage as in 1987, more than two decades ago. Last year, everyone crowed about the great stride for womankind with Kathryn Bigelow’s win as the first woman in 82 years to win an Academy Award for directing. She was only the fourth woman ever to receive the nomination. This year no women were nominated, despite two female-directed films landing best pictures nods. One step forward, yet we’re still looking up from the bottom rung.

These kinds of stark imbalances are sadly not sequestered to the world of entertainment. Women represent less than 25 percent of all op-ed pieces written, 13 percent of Sunday morning news show guests and 3 percent of the decision makers in the media. And we haven’t even reached the halls of real power. Out of 435 members of the House of Representatives, only 79 are women. Out of 100 senators, only 17 are women. We’ve only ever had one female Speaker of the House, who has now been relegated to minority leader. We are still waiting for our first-ever female vice president or president. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Just yesterday it was revealed in The New York Times that just 13 percent of Wikipedia contributors are women. And Wikipedia is a self-selecting group that can create, edit, contribute at will. So we’re self-selecting ourselves out of 87 percent of the information shared on one of the world’s largest information databases. Fantastic.

These numbers should make us furious. We should be livid. We should demand and accept nothing less than an equal place at the tables of power. Yet, here we are, chugging along. We coexist calmly in the face of inherent inequality. And, sure we frequently bemoan our fate and raise a righteous fuss, but otherwise we kind of just accept it. Maybe it’s that we've been conditioned to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. So we’ve been fooled into not caring. But it matters who tells our stories, who makes our news, who controls our power.

I guess this is my long and rambling way of saying, I’m mad. I think we all should be mad. That informal Bechdel resolution is now a permanent one. Same goes for movies. Same goes for whatever I put out there every day in my small of slices of that media pie. I’m going to try harder, be madder, get louder. Our stories deserve to be told, and we deserve to tell them.

Ask. Tell. Enjoy.

Ding dong, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is dead. The Senate voted to repeal the policy 65-31 on Saturday, finally ending the more than 230-year ban on gay and lesbians serving openly in the United States military. You’ve come a long way, soldier. Granted, the legislation (which President Clinton Obama* will sign this week) did not immediately lift the ban – the military leadership ultimately controls the timing and implementation of the new policy. But it certainly doesn’t have long left. So there you have it, history. One step close to that more perfect union. Each step matters, each step is huge. We should savor this sweet victory, for they seem to come so slowly. We should salute all those who fought so hard for this day and served so proudly even while the country they were fighting for asked them to hide who they really were. And, to be slightly more shallow, we should celebrate how many more women will now be able to look really fucking hot in uniforms.

So while we wait, let’s enjoy some of the loveliest ladies to wear the U.S. military uniform on screen. Ten-hut, indeed.

Glenn Close, “Serving in Silence”Glenn looks great in a uniform and a suit, it’s almost unfair.

Dana Delany, “China Beach”God, green is her color.

Loretta Swit, “M*A*S*H”Hot Lips is one of the best nicknames for a character, ever.

Goldie Hawn, “Private Benjamin”Still my favorite Goldie Hawn movie.

Catherine Bell, “JAG”Finally, a color other than green.

Meg Ryan, “Courage Under Fire”Remember when Meg did that serious movie about that first war in Iraq?

Kelly McGillis, “The L Word”She didn’t get to wear a uniform in “Top Gun.” To her credit, Mama Chaiken rectified that on her show.

Rose Rollins, “The L Word”Oh Tasha, how I miss that smile.

Demi Moore, “G.I. Jane.”The shaved head, the one-armed push-up. Where do I enlist?

At ease, soliders. A grateful nation thanks you for all the hotness.

*Wow, now that was an impressive typo. I love how you all assumed I meant Hillary, but alas I was actually probably thinking about Bill. I had researched DADT's creation and signing before I wrote this and had too much Bubba on the brain.

The cruelest cut

I talk about my love for Tina Fey endlessly a lot here. I make no apologies for my unabashed Feyminism. But every now and then, it doesn’t hurt to have a reminder of exactly, precisely, without-a-doubt why I love her. And today that reminder is in the segment PBS cut from her Mark Twain Prize acceptance speech.

“And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women — except, of course, those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape kit ‘n’ stuff. But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years. Whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know, actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster.”

See it for yourself here:

[Sorry the right side is cut off, stupid parameters.
Tina nails it at 12 minutes and 30 seconds mark.]

Boom. I love the smell of roasted Mama Grizzlies in the morning, it smells like victory over hypocrisy. Also, s’mores. Well, it would have if PBS had actually aired the bit in question. According to The Washington Post, PBS executives say the quote was trimmed for length. The show ran 19 minutes over and every presenter apparently had his/her segment snipped.

PBS also trimmed Tina’s individual shout-outs and thanks to presenters and friends, which she herself acknowledged “we’re probably going to cut this part for the broadcast.” But to then snip such an obviously political and pointed part of her speech seems, well, off. I mean, about 20 minutes of the 90-minute show were clips from her past work anyway. You can’t cut clips?

What the hell, PBS? You are PBS. Everyone knows you are liberal elite lunatics already. Go with it. You’re not fooling anyone. And, speaking of not fooling anyone, give it up with the Bert and Ernie are “just roommates” stuff. Yeah, for 40 years.

The best humor cuts through the clutter and lays bare simple truths. It doesn’t have to be political, often it’s about the mundane. But we relate, if sometimes through nervous laughter, because of its core truth. And whether PBS cut the Sarah Palin slam out of misplaced anxiety or overactive politeness or wussy fear of the new Republican Congress cutting its funding, it was the wrong call. Boo, PBS, no reusable canvas tote bag for you.

To extrapolate wildly from this one incident and make broad generalizations (What? It’s my blog and I can extrapolate wildly if I want to.), this timidity is sadly endemic in our media – political or otherwise – these days. We like to push this canard that there are two equal sides to every story. Sometimes, believe me, there just aren’t. Not all opinions are created equal. Some are based on fear and ignorance and flat-out lies. That doesn’t mean you don’’ have the right to that opinion – you absolutely do. Believe, think, say whatever you want. But I don’t have to give it as much weight as an opinion based in fact.

Fact are not political, or at least they shouldn’t be. So when someone like Christine O’Donnell, who doesn’t even know that the separation between church and state is built into the First Amendment, gets thisclose to going to Congress, we’ve failed as a media on a very basic level. When Sen. John McCain’s constant flip-flopping on his reasons for opposing the DADT repeal isn’t called out when he moves the goalpost yet again, we’ve failed as a media on a very basic level. (And don’t get me started on Cindy McCain’s about-face (more like two-face)on DADT. Did old man yell at more than lawn to make you go from bold equality backer to cowardly intolerance back tracker in 2.5 days?). When the daughter of the almost vice president of the United States of America uses gay slurs on Facebook and we don’t question the mentality that allows that, we’ve failed on a very basic level.

Let’s be honest here. The Mama Grizzlies aren’t feminists. They aren’t good for all women. They’re good for people who believe a very specific, very conservative ideology. Which, if you believe those things, good for you. But let’s not buy into the lie that their victories are ours. They are not. For many of us, they’re just a disaster. Preach it Tina, preach.

Vote, baby, vote

Go forth and vote today, kittens. Do it for Olivia Kickin’ Chipotle Glazed Time Warner.

p.s. If you want to have Olivia scream your name in that video, watch it here.
p.p.s. I promise to have a real, actual, no kidding post tomorrow.
p.p.p.s. Thanks again for all the birthday love.
p.p.p.p.s. How about them Giants!

My Weekend Patriotism

The President of the United States of America is looking into a camera and telling gay kids everywhere that “You are not alone. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve being bullied. And there is a whole world waiting for you, filled with possibilities. There are people out there who love you and care about you just the way you are.” Does it negate the deep disappointment I feel about how his administration has handled DADT, ENDA, gay marriage, etc.? No. Does it make me proud to have a president who cares enough about gay kids to speak to them directly and tell them their lives have worth? Yes. The leader of the free world wants gay kids to know they shouldn’t be bullied and they shouldn’t kill themselves. It seems so simple, but it is so very significant. This is how things get better. Thank you, Mr. President. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: A little more on why, despite our disappointments, this is still a Big Fucking Deal. (Joe Biden.)

Purple Pride

People have criticized the “It Gets Better” project. They say it’s idle words and cold comfort for kids who are hurting now. But it’s much more than that. It’s a community coming together for a community that isn’t always easy to find when you’re new. It’s a community showing those who are just realizing who they are what it looks like to finally figure it out fully. It’s a community reassuring each other that, yes, we have all been there and, yes, it does really get better.

It’s also those who support our community showing us what it means to be an ally. Yesterday, our biggest straight ally to date stepped in to the conversation. Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released an “It Gets Better” video. Before you watch, I want you to think about the magnitude and significance of this – a sitting Secretary of State filming a message of support intended specifically for GLBT youth. That’s a powerful message from someone with real power.

Oh, Hillary. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love you more.

Today is also Spirit Day, a day to remember GLBT youth who have tragically taken their lives and rally to end anti-gay bullying. I admit, I’m not wearing purple. I wore my one purple shirt to work on Monday and, alas, do not own another. (It was my high school color, and no one wants to be reminded too much of the days when you were forced to look like a grape while dealing with acne and adolescence.) But I’ve changed my Twitter profile for the day. And I know each time I think about Hillary’s support, I’ll swell with purple pride. It does get better, and it will because so many people – like Hillary, like everyone else who has recorded a video – care enough to make sure it does.

Make it a better place

Kids can be cruel. This is nothing new. Human can be cruel, period. Bullies have been around since the beginning of time. But that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate them. What has happened in the past month with five high-profile suicides of gay teens is as tragic as it is unacceptable. This must stop. No young person should feel like ending his or her life is the only option. Ever.

The statistics on GLBT youth harassment could not be more stark or sobering:

• 9 out of 10 LGBT kids get harassed at school.
• LGBT kids are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.
• A third — A THIRD – of all LGBT kids have attempted suicide.

The suicides of these five young men make me sad beyond words. How can we live in a world where this keeps happening? Thankfully there is a lot of justifiable public outcry right now about bullying. The unfettered harassment of GLBT youth must be addressed in schools across the country. Curriculum must be created, bills must be passed. But this isn’t just a classroom issue. GLBT bullying doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Sure, kids have always picked on other kids they think are “different.” Yet we live in a country that still allows for the wholesale discrimination against GLBT people.

Gays and lesbians are not allowed to legally marry. Gays and lesbians are not allowed to openly serve in the military. Gays and lesbians are not protected from being fired for their sexual orientation across all 50 states. None of these rights and protections exist on a federal level.

So, then, why are we so surprised when teens pick on gay kids? When a government says it is OK to discriminate against gay people, kids think it's OK to hate them. All politics are personal, and nothing is more personal than being treated like a second-class citizen.

So this, this is why Prop. 8, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, the Employment Nondiscrimination Act, etc. all matter so much. While on the surface they may seem like they’re about a single issue — marriage, military service, employment — they’re a gauge of what we as a people believe is important to protect. They’re the legal harbingers of our overall acceptance and, ultimately, full equality.

And they’re also why it is so very important to vote come November. Will the repeal of DADT or Prop. 8 end GLBT bullying overnight? No, of course not. Are they are an important step to creating a culture of tolerance? You'd better fucking believe it.

Whatever disappointments we might have in this administration, in this congress (and, believe me, there are many), think long and hard about the alternative. We’re up against an extreme opposition that hates us. I am so fucking disappointed that President Obama hasn't been more proactive on DADT and Prop. 8 and all the rest. But if you think not voting is a way of showing him, then I hope you enjoy that bullet hole in your own foot. Change comes slowly and painfully and is never perfect. But sitting idly by will ensure it never happens. It won’t make life better for you and me, and it won’t make life easier for the gay teen getting picked on every day at school.

When something like this makes the headlines, we often feel helpless. How can we reach out to these kids? How can we tell them they aren’t alone? How can we encourage them to hold on? Things like the It Gets Better Project are wonderful. Things like The Trevor Project are essential. But we can, and we must, help in other ways, too. That means calling out homophobia when we see it, whether by the teen on the street or the pop starlet on the stage who uses “so gay” as a put down. That means electing people who, at the very least, don’t think we’re an abomination. That means continuing to push our leaders to give us the same basic rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as everyone else. That means reaching out if you see an LGBT kid struggling.

They say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But that simply isn’t true. Words can do as much damage as a fist and, as we’ve sadly seen these last few weeks, sometimes even more. While the bullies of the world, be they in the school hallways or the political pulpit, will continue using words as weapons, we can use them as a shield.

If you need help, feel alone, want someone to talk to, call The Trevor Lifeline toll-free any time of day or night: 866-488-7386.

Believe me when I say this, things do get better. Kids can be cruel, but you are not alone. We are with you. We are doing everything we can to make sure it gets better. We want you to be alongside us when it does.

To be self evident

I want to say something eloquent, moving, powerful about the yesterday’s overruling of Proposition 8. I want to convey the importance of the decision, the giant step forward this signifies for equality, the long road still ahead until all men and women truly have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want this moment in history to be remembered as the beginning of something bigger than ourselves. I want this to be the train that cannot be stopped.

But, to be honest, mostly I just want to squeal. Squeal with joy. Squeal with relief. Squeal with every gay fiber in my body.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

We won, finally, we won. After so many defeats, so many bitter rejections, so much heartache and so much needless hate, the simple truth won out. Our love is no different. Our love is not wrong. Our love deserves protection. Our love is just love.

Of course, the fight is far from over. This ruling is not the last we will hear of Proposition 8, nor is it the last our country will grapple with what it means to have truths we hold self-evident, yet do not follow. This case could and probably should make it all the way to the Supreme Court. While I fear the new conservatism of the bench, I hope against hope that those words declaring us all created equal will prevail.

Chief US District Judge Vaughn Walker certainly understood that, ruling in his conclusion:

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

In fact, the entire ruling is filled with amazing, thoughtful, decisive language that says in no uncertain terms that to discriminate against gay couples’ right to marry is wrong, the arguments presented by the Prop. 8 backers were baseless and that our relationships are no different from straight relationships. One doesn’t often get choked up reading 138 pages of dense legal documents. But I did, I really did.

Some highlights (read the whole thing here):

“Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis on which to deny rights to gay men and women.”

“Same-sex couples are identical to opposite-sex couples in the characteristics relevant to the ability to form successful marital unions.”

“The sexual orientation of an individual does not determine whether that individual can be a good parent.”

“Gender no longer forms an essential part of marriage; marriage under law is a union of equals.”

“That the majority of California voters supported Proposition 8 is irrelevant, as ‘fundamental rights may not be submitted to [a] vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections.’”

And then, perhaps the most satisfying part of his whole decision was the last four words: IT IS SO ORDERED.

Judge Walker, just so you know, you’ll never have to buy a drink in a gay bar ever again.

Yesterday was a good day. With hard work and perseverance, it will be the first of many more. Oh, and one more thing: Suck it, Prop. 8. Suck it hard.

For richer, for poorer

Lots of marriages don’t work. Gay marriages. Opposite marriages. People enter with the best intentions and then, for whatever reason, end up with irreconcilable differences. Until death do us part is really more of a suggestion these days. So the end of Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels nine-year relationship is in and of itself not shocking. Sad, but not shocking.

But what is shocking, and also sad – not to mention really fucking disappointing, is what seems to be a shirking of responsibility on Melissa’s part now that their marriage is over. Melissa filed for divorce on Friday, citing that old standby “irreconcilable differences.” She also asked the court for a) joint custody of their 3-year-old twins and b) to not pay financial support to Tammy. Um, what?

Tammy, not one to take a headline lying down, took to her blog to let the universe know exactly how she felt about that. She wrote that she was blindsided by Melissa’s filing (she says Melissa had promised not to file until after her tour was over in the fall). And then she had some choice words about Melissa wanting to wriggle out of alimony.

i gave up my managers, agents, contacts, all that good stuff, because i stepped directly into potty training a small boy, and carrying around a small girl on my hip. both excellent souls. and i was a very huge part in raising them for many many years while She with the Guitar focused on her Guitar.

i was always the house wife after that. the only thing i hated about it was not bringing in money- i have made my own money since i started babysitting at 10, and having a newspaper route at 11. having no steady paycheck killed me for those years with her. and now it's really killing me. the other week i had to borrow money from a friend. two weeks ago i had to scrape together $1.25 to pay for gas. i know she doesn't want to give me money. trust. i'm borrowing cash left and right from people to get through this summer, and feed my kids, with a stomach full of ulcers, thank you. no stress here. :-)

Look, She with the Guitar, Tammy helped raise your two kids from your previous marriage. She is raising your two twins. She stuck by you through cancer. She stuck by you when you won an Oscar. She gave up her career to make this all happen. She was truly there for better and for worse. These things, they have worth. She may not have made a paycheck, but those are work. And you benefited from that work. And now, just like any other marriage that ends in divorce where one partner made the money and the other stayed at home to raise the family, you need to pony up.

We can’t enjoy the fun parts and then when things get decidedly unfun say, well, it wasn’t a real marriage anyway. Hell yes, it was. Weren’t you all filled with piss and civil disobedience when Prop. 8 passed, saying you wouldn’t pay your state income taxes because California took away your right to legally marry? Or, as I now suspect, do I detecting much more simple reasoning. Is it all about saving a few bucks and not paying people what they are due?

As we stare down the still-smoking barrel of the latest sorry shooting down of our civil liberties (Gee thanks, Hawaii. Aloha this.), the absurdity of Melissa’s request becomes all the more apparent.

With rights come responsibilities. In this quest to be equal, we have to take the good with the bad. The right to get married? Yes, absolutely. The responsibilities that come if that marriage ends in divorce? Yep, those too. Love is love. Marriage is marriage. Fair is fair. Honey, if you didn’t wanna pay up, shoulda got a pre-nup.

Faking it

People can be awful. Really, truly, unrepentantly awful. While this is nothing new, the realization of how awful people can be particularly to members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning community is like a kick in the gut anew each time. Which, in turn, is exactly how I felt when I heard lesbian teen Constance McMillen was sent to a fake prom by her town.

You remember Constance, the 18-year-old lesbian student who asked her Mississippi high school if she could go to prom in a tux with her girlfriend. And instead of saying, “Of course, who loves dancing more than the gays?” her school said “Ewww, gay! No prom for ANYONE !” Lawsuits were filed, private proms were organized. And then Constance was finally invited to the parent-sponsored private event. But when she got there, only five other students were there. All the other students? They were far away from the gay at the “real” prom enjoying their night of throwing up in limos and potentially getting date raped.

Constance told The Advocate:

“They had two proms and I was only invited to one of them. The one that I went to had seven people there, and everyone went to the other one I wasn’t invited to….It hurts my feelings.”

And who chaperoned the fake prom? The principal and teachers. Classy, really classy.

Oh, and guess what? Among the seven students there were two with “learning difficulties.” Said Constance, “They had the time of their lives. That’s the one good thing that come out of this, [these kids] didn’t have to worry about people making fun of them [at their prom].”

Hey, that sounds kind of familiar. Who else was it that rounded up the queers and the people with developmental disabilities and society’s other “undesirables” and shipped them away from the rest of the “pure” world? I wonder if any Jewish kids go to Itawamba Agricultural High School, and if so which prom they got to go to. Just saying.

And if your blood isn’t boiling enough, some delightful townsperson has started a “Constance quit yer cryin” Facebook page. The first post: “Seriously, you've pretty much eff'd up your fellow classmate's best memory of High School.”

What, exactly, is wrong with people? Why are they so terrible and cruel, hateful and ignorant? What makes an entire town conspire to leave the gay kid out (and the learning disabled kids, too, for good measure)? Also, if we all scream the same expletive at the same time in the direction of Fulton, Miss. do you think they could hear us? Because I really, really want everyone who was part of this appalling stunt to hear us.

While it’s cold comfort now, history will prove these people for the shameful bigots that they are. All that rage doesn’t have to be impotent either. We can use it, focus it and fight even harder. People can be awful. But we can be better. We have to be.

CONTACT:

Itawamba County Schools Superintendent Teresa McNeece:

tmcneece@itawamba.k12.ms.us
662-862-2159 ext. 14

Itawamba Agricultural High School principal Trae Wiygul

twiygul@itawamba.k12.ms.us
662-862-3104

SUPPORT

Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition

ACLU LGBT Project

Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom Facebook Page

Constance’s prom may have been fake, but these people are real assholes.

UPDATE: One more way to speak out. Sign the HRC petition to say "I stand with Constance McMillen.”

My Weekend Crush

Say what you will about Nancy Pelosi, but the lady delivered. When it counted most, when others swore it was futile, when the full brunt of an angry opposition came down on her, she delivered. Not to go all Joe Biden on the situation, but the passage of health care reform this week was a big fucking deal. Sure, it’s not everything many of us had hoped for. And it’s a lot more than others ever wanted. But this is how progress works. It is rarely pretty. It is always hard. It is never perfect. Change is a process, but it won’t happen without that first, gigantic step.

And it might not have ever happened without the Speaker of the House. Now I’ve had my differences with Pelosi’s leadership style and overall approach before. But I’ve never doubted her intellect and conviction, and now I’ll never doubt her toughness again. By all accounts it was Speaker Pelosi who prodded President Obama to stay aggressive about passing health care reform. By all accounts it was Speaker Pelosi who cajoled Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to grow a pair. And by all account it was Speaker Pelosi who strong-armed the skittish House Democrats to get the votes needed, more even, to pass this historic piece of legislation.

Now l still believe that the role of government is to help people, to solve big problems, and to ensure our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. And it’s really hard to have any let alone all of those three if you’re sick and can’t afford to get better. The simple right to be healthy, to even just be alive, shouldn’t be reserved for the rich. We are a society that is plenty wealthy enough to make sure our most basic health is ensured. It’s downright shameful that we don’t. But that begins to end now.

Pelosi, who turns 70 today, is not only the first female Speaker of the House, but as second in line to the presidency she is perhaps the most powerful woman in American history. And she has done it all, amazingly, with that near perpetual smile. For this, she has been called many things. A dingbat. A dilettante. And, my favorite, a San Francisco liberal. The horrors! Yet somehow, people still buy Rice-a-Roni.

But such chronic underestimation is something she is no doubt used to, and clearly has no problem overcoming. There were times during this past year when I was sure that all hope was lost, that the bill was dead, that the Democrats simply didn’t have the spine. But that was just me underestimating her, too. She had the spine all along. Sure it wasn’t seamless, and certainly the work isn’t done. But it’s that first, gigantic step we needed. Thank you, Madame Speaker. Have a happy birthday, you’ve earned it. Happy weekend, all.