Vacation Vixen: Dianna Agron & Lea Michele

Well, now they’re just teasing us.

p.s. So, yes, I’m on vacation through June 23. But I promise to fill the time with pretty pictures each day. And if you’re so inclined, you can follow my vacation loafing @dorothysnarker.

Pucker up

They say when it rain it pours, but this is ridiculous. You go days, weeks, months without any good, tasty lesbianish happenings and then – BOOM – a ton of them blow up all at once. We’ve got Sandra Bullock kissing Scarlett Johansson at the MTV Movie Awards for no other reason than it’s hot to kiss Scarlett Johansson. Somewhere Meryl Streep is seething with jealousy. Then we’ve got Ruby Rose and Kim Stolz tweeting what everyone else’s gaydar already told them: Kristen Stewart seems mighty gay. Their tweets were followed by adorable Twitter death threats from Twihard wingnuts who think calling KStew (forevermore affectionately redubbed GayStew) a lesbian is slander. It’s not, kids. Also, vampires aren’t real. And finally we’ve got little Miley Cyrus air kissing a female dancer and then blowing her defense of the act by saying because their lips didn’t touch that she “did nothing wrong.” Once more with feeling: Kissing girls isn’t “wrong” or “bad” or “slanderous.” It’s just awesome. Also, did you know Cybill Shepherd has another lesbian daughter (scroll to the end)? I know! It’s totally pouring. And I’m probably missing something.

So amid this downpour I have only one thing to say: Look, straight (and gayish) ladies who want to publicly (or secretly) make out with other ladies – cool it. I’m going on vacation tomorrow for two weeks. Don’t do all your gay stuff while I’m gone and therefore can’t comment snarkily on it. I don’t want to miss all the ridiculousness. Well, OK, I could do with a little less ridiculous in some cases. I mean, what the hell was that Sandy-ScarJo kiss all about anyway? While I’m not complaining about the act itself (a refresher, girls kissing is always awesome). But I am complaining about the reasoning. For laughs? For the straight boys? For attention? Jezebel has a great rundown of the reasoning for each instant of straight-girl on straight-girl smooching. Sure, this trend of fauxmosexual snogs is good for a giggle and to fuel our most feverish wishful thinking. And ultimately, I don’t think it really hurts us – in a strange way may help normalize the concept. But call me when the real homosexuals show up. What can I say, I like my kisses to count.

Invisible man (and then woman)

You always remember your first. No, not that first. The first film that thoroughly blew your mind. Mine was “Brazil,” the mind fuck from mind-freakilicious director Terry Gilliam. Of course, I was just in grade school and had no idea what the hell was going on. (Yeah, blame my dad who let me watch with him in one of his more questionable parental decisions.) So, and more significantly, the second movie to blow the lid off came almost 10 years later with 1993’s “Orlando.”The movie with Tilda Swinton in a film adaptation of Virginia Woolf bent space, time and gender like no other.

Well now, there just might be another. Rachel Weisz has signed on to star in “Invisible X” as “a man who turns into a woman.” But this isn’t gender bending in the transgender sense, but a “[David] Cronenberg-inspired body horror” film by “Jennifer’s Body” director Karyn Kusama. She described Rachel’s role as “two characters, or essentially two halves of the same character, but she is both male and female.”

If course, the problem is money. The project doesn’t have funding yet and Karyn is working on a rewrite. But Rachel seems committed and I can certainly try to be patient. Because a film about bending gender with Rachel doing the bending is unquestionably worth the wait.

[Hat tip to the always amazing Scribegrrrl!]

My Weekend Crush

I had another crush picked out for this weekend, but then Rue McClanahan passed yesterday and all other crushes were rendered obsolete immediately. Because Rue is a crush for the ages. She was a woman of style and spunk, sophistication and salaciousness who refused to be slut shamed. That, by the way, was a big deal. Women who sleep around on screen have not always been treated kindly, let alone beloved. But as the delightfully desirous, unapologetically amorous Blanche Devereaux you couldn’t help but love Rue. She was the Southern Belle who could ring your bell in the bedroom, and was happy to bellow about it to anyone who would listen. She represented a shamelessly sex-positive image of a woman of a certain age that was practically unheard of – even today.

In real life she embraced the role with the same bravado. She famously wrote in her 2007 memoir, “My First Five Husbands…And the Ones Who Got Away,” about her similarities with Blanche: “People always ask me if I’m like Blanche. And I say, ‘Well, Blanche was an oversexed, self-involved, man-crazy, vain Southern belle from Atlanta—and I’m not from Atlanta!’” She was a staunch supporter of the gay community. In 1971 starred in the gay film “Some of My best Friends Are…” and her last role was on the gay family comedy “Sordid Lives” for Logo. And then there were all those years with The girls. She also championed animal rights and was, by all accounts, just a fantastic lady to have worked with, befriended and just shared the planet with.

Then there were those one-liners:

“I’m tired of lying on my back….did I just say that?”

“Like I’m the only person who’s ever mixed a margarita in a sailor’s mouth!”

“You know how fragile men’s egos are. Do the smallest thing such as scream out the wrong name and they go to pieces.”

“I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man! In a library ... on a Saturday ... unless he’s cute ... and drives a nice car ... Amen.”

Rose: “Is it possible to be in love with two men at the same time?”
Blanche: “Well, let’s set the scene – have we been drinking?”

And, well, there was her love of the Lebanese.

Thank you, Rue. For being fabulous, for being fearless, for being – as always – a friend. Happy weekend, all.

The five Ws and one Heigl

Katherine Heigl is making my head hurt. No, not just because she has made a series of movies that look, sound and indeed are awful. Don’t get me wrong, that makes my head hurt – but that’s not the main reason my head hurts. The main reason my head hurts is because Katherine Heigl’s big screen career embodies one of life’s most eternal and unanswerable questions: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

In the actresses’ case the question becomes: Which came first, Katherine Heigl’s inability to pick good movies or Hollywood’s inability to make good romantic comedies? Since her first major big screen starring role in 2007’s “Knocked Up,” Heigl has given us one uninspired romantic comedy after another. “27 Dresses,” “The Ugly Truth,” this week’s “Killers” (which wasn’t screened for critics – always a good sign) and the upcoming “Life As We Know It.” If you think you’ve seen these movies before, and better, you probably have – “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” “Woman of the Year,” “True Lies” and “Baby Boom.”

Now, I have nothing really against Katherine. I appreciated how she had T.R. Knight’s back during the whole “Grey’s Anatomy” gay slur kerfuffle. And I have no problems with her acting abilities or outspokenness. But it’s the kind of movies she is selected – bland, generic, uninspired fare that reinforces the uptight single woman stereotype – that makes me and a lot of other people cranky. We could spend hours, days, weeks pondering the five Ws: who, what, when, where and why did people think these movies were a good idea? Which, of course, leads us back to out original question. Is she making bland, generic, uninspired rom-coms because that is all that is out there for actresses or does her taste in rom-coms just really stink? I would say it’s probably a little of both. Yes, romantic comedies have become rote and formulaic. But, no, Katherine isn’t the only one with a long list of crap rom-coms on her resume. (Hey, Jennifer Lopez! Sup, Jennifer Aniston! Hola, Kate Hudson!)

So what’s a gal who admittedly enjoys a nice, cozy rom-com from time to time to do in the face of a cineplex full of Katherine Heigl movies and their unillustrious ilk? Seek indie fare? Retreat to Netflix? Read a Jane Austen novel? Chicken, egg –who knows. I just know I cannot endure any more “unlikely suitor, high-concept hijinks, unnecessary obstacle, true love, happy ending.”

p.s. This does not, in any way, excuse the men who make crap rom-coms. Yes, Ashton Kutcher, I mean you – put down that Nikon, stop Twittering and start making movies that don’t suck.

Another Anne

OK, so, what is it with the British? They get the posh accents and the afternoon teas and the sophisticated yet secretly smutty lesbian dramas on the BBC. We get Sarah Palin’s Alaskan windsong, Grape Kool-Aid and “The Real L Word.” It’s simply not fair. So my latest envy comes in the form of “The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister.” After “Tipping the Velvet” and “Fingersmith,” the jolly old Beeb has proven that it knows how to dial up the lady loving. Say what you will about those Victorian-era sudsters, they certainly weren’t dull.

Now comes Anne Lister and this time, it’s not just a tall tale from the fertile imagination of Sarah Waters. This is based on a real lesbian’s life. Take that, Ilene Chaiken. Miss Anne Lister was a 19th century landowner and avid ladies’ lady. Hey, those aren’t my words. That’s just paraphrasing from some of the more than 4 million words written in her coded diaries. Sample text: “I love and only love the fairer sex and thus beloved by them in turn, my heart revolts from any love but theirs.” See, avid.

Now, considering we’re still struggling for acceptance in the 21st century, I have a sneaking suspicion that things do not go entirely smoothly for our 19th century heroine. I sense there will be much heartbreak and sobbing on tree limbs amid the delightful bodice ripping. But I am so ready to swoon over the dashing Maxine Peake as Anne.

Just my luck, I’ll be on vacation when “The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister” screens at the San Francisco LGBT Film Festival later this month. But, I may or may not have found myself a copy to watch while I’m on away instead. Hey, I’m nothing if not resourceful. Here’s a taste of the trailer for everyone stateside.

See, lucky British. Of course, you’ve got David Cameron and we’ve got Barack Obama. So for once we’ve have the cooler leader. But, yeah, other than that – totally jealous.

p.s. Damn, I just realized there is one thing the British really suck at – stopping oil spills. Hey, British Petroleum, fix it! Fix it NOW!

Trench Coat Tuesday

So, clearly, it’s a Tuesday. And, yes, Tuesdays are for tank tops. But sometimes a gal needs to mix things up a bit. I figure other articles of clothing should be allowed to stop by every now and then for a visit. Like a timeshare of hotness. So today, the humble tank top makes way for the elegant trench coat. The iconic piece of clothing is as practical as it is promising. That great promise, of course, is simple: That there will be only smooth skin and sin waiting underneath. For example, on Naomi Watts the trench says both a) I’m wearing a jacket in case things get nippy on our car ride and b) I’m wearing nothing underneath to ensure things get nipply after our ride. See, change can be good, or bad – in the someone has been a very, very bad girl sense.

Emily DeschanelMy what nice, um, “Bones” structure you have. I know – groan.

Mariska HargitayIf you get flashed by a cop, who do you call? If it’s Mariska, everyone.

Kate WinsletCold outside, hot everywhere else.

Anna Torv

Just ignore Joshua Jackson, I do on “Fringe” anyway.

Megan FoxEver since she got canned from “Transformers 3,” I’ve liked her a lot more. A lot.

Jessica CapshawDear Shonda Rhimes: Next year, please consider incorporating a trench coat into next season’s mandatory Calzona make-up sex scenes. Just a thought.

Jodie Foster

See, you’ve forgotten all about dumb old tank tops already.