The Unsnubbed

You know what I get a lot of emails saying? “You should write more about [insert beautiful, talented woman’s name here].” People are always asking me to write about their favorite actresses, singers, shows, athletes, authors, younameit. I don’t mind this at all. I’m just one person and, clearly, I am not omnipotent to even the tiniest degree. So I like being alerted to folks I may be shamefully ignoring. That said, there are certain people I purposely ignore, without the slightest hint of shame. Though I actually don’t get too many requests for those people. Not too many Kardashian fans read my blog it seems – imagine that. So here then is a round-up of some of my most frequently requested blog snubs (or just woefully underrepresented ladies), my reason for their previous snubbing and my heartfelt apologies.

Stana KaticI don’t watch “Castle.” And that’s the one and only reason why. Because, seriously, that bone structure – yum.

Crystal ChappellI don’t watch daytime soaps. And I don’t watch online soaps either. Jesus, I can’t even get through my DVR queue of nighttime shows.

Laura Sánchez & Marian AguileraI don’t speak Spanish. And my need-to-watch list of English-language shows is already ridiculous. Otherwise PepSi all the way.

Anna SilkI don’t know why I waited to write about “Lost Girl.” And I have even watched all the Bo & Lauren bits on YouTube, some multiple times. Those two together? Dead sexy.

Paget BrewsterI don’t have a good reason, again. And I’ve been watching this show for years. But I’m not sure how much longer I can hang now that she and AJ Cook are gone. Plus that new girl? Words cannot express how much I loathe her father-daughter vibe with Joe Mantegna. LOATHE.

So, kittens, who else have I missed? Who needs to bloglight shined on her? Remember, check the tags. I actually have written about a shockingly large number of ladies. It’s almost like it’s my jobs.

The Good Detective

Kalinda, Kalinda, Kalinda. She has been a naughty girl, hasn’t she? I’m not a regular “The Good Wife” watcher, this I freely admit. But I have caught it on occasion and I do try to keep up with the exploits of my favorite international woman of mystery/baseball bat wielder/sexy boot strutter, Kalinda Sharma. News came earlier this week that Kalinda may be headed for a brief flirtation with a female nurse (played by former “Women’s Murder Club” and Angie Harmon co-star Aubrey Dollar). So, then, by my informal count that would be three lady conquests on her books so far. That’s not Shane speed, but it’s not bad either.

Kalinda’s private life has been just that, private on purpose. She’s secretive to a fault and the guessing game was a bit of the fun at first. Is she, isn’t she? She controlled its release like a slow-drip coffee filter. Of course now with recent developments, it looks like information is threatening to foam out like an overactive espresso machine instead. (Yes, I realize I’m taking this coffee metaphor too far. It’s early. I need some.) Granted this current Big-shell (See what I did there? No, seriously, I need coffee) has nothing to do with her past same-sexual relations. But I do like that the series doesn’t seem to be just dropping Kalinda’s complex sexuality now that new meaty subplot has arisen. From my limited exposure, the show seems to be doing a good job portraying her bisexuality as not just something titillating to draw in ratings. Nor are her relationships props to attract male attention. Sure, she’s also using them for information, silence, whathaveyou. But she kind of uses everyone for information, silence, whathaveyou. So they’re consistent.

And, heavens, is it sexy. Archie Panjabi can wear the hell out of stiletto leather boot. She’s a mix of restraint and aggression, all carefully controlled bold moves. Yum. Whether it’s the big-time FBI lady Lana or broken-hearted ex Donna, her chemistry is pretty potent with female co-stars. And, again, by “potent” I mean “sexy as hell.”

Kalinda, Kalinda, Kalinda. How come I never get job offers that last one?

p.s. Though, here’s a tip. If you’re YouTubing for more of the lovely Ms. Panjabi kissing the ladies, don’t make my mistake and watch her full appearance in the British series “Personal Affairs.” Yes, she has an affair with a woman. But don’t get sucked into the whole story like I did last night, causing me to need coffee. Spoiler Alert: Things don’t end well. Just watch the kiss and call it a day. Trust me.
p.p.s. Did you notice the blonde with her arms crossed? Yeah, that’s our Frankie. All roads, fictitious or otherwise, really do lead to Rome. And by “Rome,” of course, I mean “lesbianism.”

Sucker Princess

Oh, “Sucker Punch.” How you’re still disappointing me days later. It wasn’t just that it was bad, which it was. It’s that it had so much potential to be awesome, which it wasn’t. Girl power isn’t just a girl with a gun. Girl power is giving women the power to control their own destinies, to decide their own fates, to carve out their own places in the world. All that lovely talent and whiz-bang CGI wizardry and what you’re left with is an ugly mess that manages to be as unsexy as it is unfun. How do you make two hours of hot girls in tiny skirts kicking ass boring? Like I said, disappointing.

But you know what’s not disappointing? “Sucker Punch” and Disney Princess mash-ups. Certainly the Disney damsels too often represent their own set of gender stereotypes and problematic perpetuations. But they never wallowed as much in their unapologetic misogyny as Zack Snyder’s little porn fetish rape fantasy. Plus, their villains were way, way better. Steampunk zombies have nothing on Ursula the Sea Witch.

You don’t know how much I wish I had seen this movie instead.

SGALGG: Sucker Punch Edition

As counterintuitive as this may sound, there are considerably better ways to spend a Saturday night than with five hot girls in tiny shirts kicking ass. So, yeah, “Sucker Punch” is not a good movie. It’s a bad movie. And not good bad, but bad bad. It’s like they gave a 14-year-old videogame addict $82 million dollars and told him to go make the movie of his dreams. Except they told him he wasn’t allowed to show nudity or sex. So he made up for it with more samurais and more robots and more dragons and more zombie German soldiers. Oh, and a lot of threats of rape. Sigh. Also thanks to all the slo-mo CGI green screenery, I never noticed how short Emily is. She’s a good head shorter than all her co-stars. She’s practically elfin. Has anyone checked her ears?

Of course, none of this complaining about the film is meant in any way to disparage the movie’s lovely leading ladies. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung and Carla Gugino are very lovely. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed the film more on mute, just to gaze at their loveliness and forget the huge fucking mess around them. Still, I am grateful to the movie for bringing these delightful women together, and giving them the opportunity to do their best Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals renditions at the film’s premiere last week. In short, save the 10 bucks and just enjoy the eye candy here. You can always make your own popcorn at home.

Carla & EmilySqueeze a little tighter, darling. It’s working.

Emily & VanessaSo that’s why she broke up with Zac.

Abbie & EmilySignature short-girl second base move. Trust me, I’m short.

Emma Roberts, Emily & some girl who went for itHey, you’ve got to take your shots when you see them.

Vanessa & JenaNo, wait, clearly this is why she broke up with Zac.

Jamie & AbbieWhatever Abbie is doing, Jamie likes it.

Abbie & CarlaSomewhere Ryan Phillippe is seething.

Malin Akerman & CarlaHer ex-costars keep coming back for more snuggle time.

CarlaAnd now we know why.

Read my full “Sucker Punch” review on AfterEllen.

My Weekend Crush

This isn’t a crush on any one person, because – truth be told – Elizabeth Taylor was my de facto Weekend Crush this week, and then some. So instead today my affections fall to a happy circumstance. I’m talking about those instances when universes collide at the intersection of Gay and Gayer. What I love in the course of doing what I do – whatever the hell that is – is when I organically tumble on two lesbian worlds colliding. Like when Shay Mitchell tweeted Naya Rivera, and then mentioned she’d like Emily Fields and Santana Lopez to date. God, the visuals in my head. So yesterday, in the course of researching a post on Kate Walsh’s new lesbian role the indie drama “Angels Crest,” I stumbled across a clip of her in the never-heard-of-it indie drama “Inside Out” from 2005. It brought about a whole new set of visuals, but not in my head. The only set-up I will give you is that it’s NSFW. Headphones, people, headphones.

Right, two things. 1) Told you about the headphones. And 2) Is that Emily Fields’ mom?! Yes, ladies and lesbians, that is Kate Walsh and Nia Peeples full-on in flagrante. Holy lesbian universes colliding, Batman. “Private Practice” Dr. Addison Montgomery and “Pretty Little Liars” Mrs. “I’m happy your girlfriend got shipped to Juvie Camp” Fields are going at it. Loudly. Really loudly. So, of course, I sent the link to friends and then the rest of the known universe because something this good must be shared to be appreciated. And then the cosmos sent back this. The only set-up I will give you for this is it’s a drama in three parts.

[Click each to embiggen. All credit goes to my genius friend Heather Hogan.]

Oh, universe. Sometimes I curse you. Sometimes you exasperate me with your cruelty and randomness, misery and loneliness. But other times I lay offerings at your shrine of delightful coincidences and the fact that you can bring the smoking celestial bodies of actresses we love from separate lesbian galaxies together in new and extraordinary ways. Let’s call it the Big LesBang Theory. Happy weekend, all.

Our Elizabeth

That Elizabeth Taylor was beautiful was never in dispute, she simply was. Her reigning title as The Most Beautiful Woman in the World alone would be enough to send her into the pantheon of our brightest stars. She was, of course, ferociously talented to boot. “A Place in the Sun.” “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.” “Suddenly, Last Summer.” “BUtterfield 8.” “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.” These films have been seared into the cinematic canon, in no small part by Elizabeth’s white hot performances. But beauty and talent, perhaps even nearing Elizabeth’s levels, is nothing too terribly unusual in Hollywood. We expect at least one, if not both, from our celebrities.

What made Elizabeth Taylor so special then was not just her violet eyes, her two Oscars or even her very public private life. It was what she did with her fame and how she used it when it mattered most. Many of you are too young to remember, and others remember too well, but back in the early 1980s AIDS was fear. It was the boogey man and the Grim Reaper and – to some particularly unenlightened – God’s mighty vengeance all rolled up in one. I was still quite young when AIDS was first diagnosed in 1981, but I remember as it unfolded throughout my childhood. People thought you could get it from a handshake or a toilet, a hug or a water fountain. But not Elizabeth. She saw her friends dying, and instead of running she embraced them. Before the President of the United States ever uttered the words, she was shouting to anyone who would listen and often those who wouldn’t. To have such a glamorous star of her stature stand up when others wouldn’t was immeasurable. Of course, there were others, but few in the same stratosphere.

In September 1985 she helped establish the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amFAR) and over the years she raised more than $100 million in the fight against the disease. It was that same month during a press conference that then President Ronald Reagan first uttered the word AIDS in a public. Reagan had planned to release a statement to quell the panic about AIDS being spread to schoolchildren that same year. But a White House lawyer, a young future Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, advised him against it. He wrote in a memo: “I would not like to see the president reassuring the public on this point. ... We should assume that AIDS can be transmitted through casual or routine contact until it's demonstrated that it definitely cannot be.” Some chose fear, Elizabeth chose courage.

It took the President two more years to give his first major address on AIDS, at the College of Physicians in Philadelphia in April. By that time 40,000 people had died of the disease. And then a month later he gave his much more well-known and infamous speech on the subject during the keynote address at amFAR. That, too, only happened because Elizabeth wrote him personally asking him to speak. It turned out, sadly, to be a disaster with lawyers and White House staff second-guessing doctors and facts. But that’s not for want of Elizabeth’s efforts. Today, amFAR remains one of the leading international organizations in the fight against AIDS and HIV. And until her passing yesterday at age 79, Elizabeth remained a fierce ally in the fight against AIDS and in support of the LGBT community. She was an icon for the world, but in a way we kind of felt like she was ours.

Beauty fades. Talent slows. But compassion, compassion can change the world. Thank you for caring, Elizabeth. A star for the ages now belongs to them.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb

I know that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but this is ridiculous. Why is Amanda Seyfried posing with so many barnyard animals in Elle magazine? What is happening? Is this some high fashion version of Animal Farm? I hope she’s not allergic. Does anyone have Zyrtec? I think it’s just supposed to be quite literally a representation of spring. But it’s kind of weirding me out. Like I’m getting a strange Silence of the Lambs feel. Is she going to eat any of those animals? Someone call PETA. I have so many questions that do not involve what the photo editor no doubt intended, which was, “Aw, look at the cute baby animals.”

On a somewhat unrelated note, I recently watched “Jennifer’s Body” for the first time. I’m not really a horror film person (and by “not really” I mean “I’m a big wuss”) so it took me a while. But I have to say, it was OK. I mean, there were some problematic plot points. But it didn’t seem like a 40-something percent Tomatoes Meter movie. But then, I’m prone to like films with female leads, even when one of them is a flesh-eating demon.

Though what surprised me most about the film (though, I guess from a crass marketing perspective it is gold) was the intense relationship between Needy and Jennifer. Of course, I’d seen The Kiss (which, come on, hot). But what was more interesting was Jennifer’s real connection to Needy. While non-demonified, it seemed Needy (hello, her name) was the more dependent in the friendship, but AS (After Sacrifice) Jennifer is really the one clinging to whatever they had. And (Spoilers: Jesus, do I need them for a two-year-old movie?) once that tie is broken completely she sort of gives up. Yes, there were the unfortunate “teenage girls are evil” overtones. But there’s a pretty fascinating feminist film theory paper in there somewhere. Also, Megan Fox looks good in tight jeans. What? I’m human.

And while we’re on the topic of Amanda Seyfried, can I just say she’s a surprisingly good singer. I’m totally ashamed to admit that I haven’t seen “Mamma Mia!” yet, which makes absolutely no sense because I love ABBA, Meryl Streep and beautiful Greek islands. But I haven’t. And so I missed out on her singing. But having caught a couple of the clips on YouTube, you can’t really tell because the songs are produced to a polish. But when you hear her acoustic? Wow. She has a nice timber to her voice. It’s lovely, sexy, lovely some more. And she plays guitar – that’s a weakness of mine. Like, did you know she wrote this song for the “Dear John” soundtrack, which is probably the only good thing to come out of a Tatum Channing collaboration?

I know I was ragging on some other actor-singers last week (cough, still J-LO, cough), but Amanda can go off and record a record whenever she wants. She just released a cover of Sam the Sham & The Pharoahs’ “L’il Red Riding Hood,” which in turn is possibly the only good thing to come out of that critically lambasted fairy tale.

Seriously, she made the languidly lecherous vibe of this dirty ditty sound slyly seductive. And watching her sing the praises of full lips. Yes, please. See, Elle magazine, you posed Amanda with the wrong animals. That girl is a wolf.